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Speak Out: When He Refuses to Wear a Condom

It’s as the title says, guys, what if your hookup or date refused to have sex with you the moment you said you prefer to fuck with a condom? It’s because they are on PrEP they’d say, or that they just got tested negative.

We are asking because a friend of mine recently sent me a message on Instagram and he told me he had a date with this guy but then everything fizzled out when condom use was mentioned. Not only did the guy say the date and, well, sex is off once he learned my friend only have sex with a condom on, the guy also told him the relationship could not go any further.

I read about this issue online on a regular basis as well, how some guys would get pressured into having unprotected sex because the other party says he is on PrEP. The scenarios vary: guy #1 for example, had a regular fuck buddy and they’d been having unprotected sex for quite a while already when one day, his hookup said he tested positive for chlamydia. He didn’t catch it but when he asked the guy to hookup again a month later, only this time he suggested they use condoms, hookup blocked him. Then, there’s guy #2 who got ghosted by his boyfriend (who he had been seeing for a month only) when he said he wasn’t ready to go bareback yet. There are plenty of stories really but they vary a bit, and usually their story would come with a question: when is the right time to go bareback with your boyfriend or partner? Or, how do you respond to guys who don’t want to use a condom?

While we don’t have the answers to all these questions, we can at least remind you of the health risks that come with barebacking and how important sex education is in order for us to be able to make an informed decision. Of course, consent is the most important not to mention communication is key to any healthy relationship so let your hookup or partner or boyfriend know what you want. As for tips on what to say to guys who refuse to use a condom, NHS has words of advice for you.

That being said, the emergence of PrEP has led some guys to refuse to have sex with guys who prefer to use condom. What do you, Adam4Adam members think of this? Also, have you ever been ghosted by a boyfriend or fuck buddy because of this issue? Share with us your thoughts and stories in the comments section below.


There are 40 comments

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  1. Matt

    I always wear a condom and I rarely get fucked, but if a guy wants me to bareback the answer is no and either he consents to a condom or I leave. If I get fucked it’s with a condom only. No condom no sex.

  2. anonimatovato

    don’t do it unless you want to. unless you’re being held at gun point, there’s no reason to give up your power to decide what’s best for you. this is something you guys should have talked about before a potential date or hook ups. know your limits. if condom use is important to you and he doesn’t accept that, he doesn’t care for you at all, all about his selfish need to get off bare and go lol!

    yes prep use is good and all, but it doesn’t cover other std’s. can’t assume he’s 100% neg or ‘clean’ like many of us sadly use that term. your guy of the night is not your knight in shiny armor lol! that view point is so outdated and so hetero! lol!

  3. Paul2

    Because of lust, I’ve participated in some risky sexual behavior, but never anal sex without a condom. The fear and anger that follows risky behavior, once I regained my senses, were too much to handle. At some point you have to realize your life/health is more important than a hook-up’s ego; a hook-up who doesn’t give a fuck about you, it’s all about instant gratification.

    • Robert

      If you have fear and anger after having SEX – natural SEX, like humans are supposed to have, I’d say you still haven’t regained your senses.

      • Ras

        Oh Robert, what a stupid idiot you are! Firstly the FEAR is not about having a “natural” sex but about giving your life away to the hands of a government and pharma companies who will dictate how, how long for and how much your life is worth (and you have no say in that whatsoever) and Spending the rest of your life on toxic “medication” that will fuck yo your internal organs and subsequently fuck up the quality of your life. And no, not everyone has access to PrEP!
        The ANGER is about realising the stupidity of your reckless action that would put you in the situation mentioned above.
        And secondly what exactly is a “natural” sex that humans suppose to be having? You mean ANAL sex? Ha ha ha.
        And here is a shock news for you… no humans should be spending the rest of their lives poisoning themselves with any toxic drugs. ART or PrEP! The human body has not been designed to cope with the toxicity on daily basis!

  4. Darryl

    This is not a typical thing, but it does scream Condom Shaming. Why do we always fall backwards into thinking everything is good, just because a new medication can somewhat solve HIV AIDS? I’am no prude, but I do want Men to use their other head for a change to understand fully what is best for them. HIV AIDS is nothing to play with, nor is getting an STI. Come on Guys we are smarter then that.

  5. Casper

    PreP is an anti-viral; it protects against HIV infection, but it does not protect against HPV; CMV; Herpes 1 & 2; Hep A,B,C, and D. Also, fecal contamination introduced into the upper oral cavity, including, the mouth, throat, and stomach.

    Anyone who refuses to wear a condom is irresponsible and should be avoided. It isn’t all about HIV anymore; it is, now, about every thing else. CMV causes blindness and possible dementia; HPV is the major cause of cervical cancer for women and prostate cancer in gay males 50 or under.

    Hep infectivity is already well known and studied. The ultimate responsibility for ones health and safety lies with the individual. Sex is interchangeable…so, if one person refuses to wear a condom, the next person might?

  6. Hunter0500

    If a guy chooses unsafe sex (especially with random partners in hookups), that’s his choice and the choice of guys who will have sex with him. If he requires unsafe sex as a basis for dating, that’s his call … although it could easily be flagged as intimidation, manipulation, or bullying.

    For some guys, there’s no unsafe sex until they’ve been in a one-on-one relationship for many months and test negative. They are the “no risk” guys.

    For other guys who play in closed small groups, barebacking with a regular bud in the group may be the norm. These are “reduced risk” guys who play safe with guys outside the regular group.

    Any guy who requires safe sex, owes no one any kind of apology and should in no way feel bad about either not meeting an unsafe guy or calling play off once he finds out that the other guy plays unsafe. He shouldn’t let himself be bullied into sex just because “the date went well.” He’s the smart guy of the two, after all, not the idiot.

    Wherever guys fall … whether it’s totally risky, reduced risk, or no risk .. that’s their choice. Guys choose to connect with guys, or not, based on a long list factors (top/bottom, kissing/no kissing, smoking/no smoking, race, looks, age, build, affluence … the list goes on and on). Safe/Unsafe Sex is just another factor guys have to decide where they fall with.

  7. Sabo

    Here’s a thought. How about you find someone who likes to have sex the way you have sex? I have been on PrEP for the past six years and fucking hate condoms. Always have. I don’t even respond to dudes who are ‘condoms only’. If wearing a condom is important to you, how about you fucking put it in your profile and stop crying like a little bitch? I have no sympathy for the guy who got dumped because he wouldn’t go bare with is damn BOYFRIEND. I wouldn’t put up with that shit either. Hell, I would have dumped him the moment he refused to go raw. I really hate these kinds of people. If you are so afraid of catching something, I think you should stick with dildoes and flesh jacks, because condoms aren’t 100% safe, and there’s a whole mess of things you can catch from just a blowjob.

    • BSintolerant

      Hey, you okay? You seem really angry at the condom users not putting that info into their profiles. Actually, just really angry in general. Any how, hope you are okay SABO, it actually is okay for you to share any opinion you want here.

    • Rano

      Sorry bro, I think you are blind or selfish. Respect boundaries. People have the right choice to choose, you shouldn’t bitter and harsh for the person who loves their body protected. Life is not only sex, yet sex is part of the life, many attribute to life, don’t ruin your life because of sex.

  8. Hunter4B

    I am okay with others engaging in any activities that they as ADULTS care to do. Their body, their life …
    For me, condoms matter. I am old enough to recall a time, after The PILL, when the entire world THOUGHT they could do what ever they wanted, because NOW there was no fear of pregnancy, and that there was no price tag for that belief system. The end result was a huge 1970s rise in the number of cases of STDs and STIs. I can also recall the early 80s, panic, gay cancer, GMHC, fear, ARC, and AIDS. Now, that it seems we have nearly triumphed in the ‘death sentence’ that HIV once represented, it seems some (and many with no recall of these aforementioned situations) freely engage in condomless sex because it not only feels better, but the consequence is not what it once was. As I said that is a right they can maintain, but that exact scenario was the reason for the end of my last relationship before we even got physical. We talked, we wined and dined, we were at the point. I made it clear that it was condoms for me and he assured me he was on PrEP, and that:
    I HAD NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

    Except for that bad rash he got.
    THAT turned out to be syphilis. Hey, he’s lucky, it is treatable with penicillin, and he can go back to that safe and secure mindset he once had. It didn’t work out for US though, he kept telling me I had no right to judge him, and sadly he was right, I didn’t have the right, and I hadn’t JUDGED HIM, I was only doing what was in my OWN self interest to protect my body and my sexual health. I’m glad I can recall the past, because syphilis may be an inconvenience to some, but to me, it is something more worrisome than that … it is a generational gap, that spans IMMENSE suffering and loss, something I will NEVER over come or forget, and something that the simple use of a condom might allay for the rest of my life.

    • Javier

      I’m totally right there with you. I remember all of that too. I have been very lucky to never have caught an STD or STI, but the scares have been palpable.
      Now, I make it obvious in my profile that I prefer condoms and my inbox has tumbleweeds; but that is inconsequential.
      I have two very important reasons to play safe with my health: a son and a daughter. They both lost their mother and I’m all they have left. It’s not easy for them and having a father who is out and sexually active is not a worry I wish for them to have.
      For every sexual situation I find myself in, it is against these reasons that I weigh my decisions.

  9. Rick Jones

    One must respect the wishes and limits of the other whether you agree or not…if it’s a deal breaker so be it…theres plenty more out there to be “NEXT”…personally I won’t wear one they make me go soft…so if a guy chooses not to have bareback sex then there’s another one as cute and as hot and hung in the wings just around the corner who is a bareback guy…move on and respect the 1st guys choice…pretty elementary folks

  10. Luigi Nonono

    Using slang disguises the real issues: lack of responsibility, respect. Barebacking is NEVER okay. If you’re married, perhaps you might want to risk it. So many millions of men died in agony because of one encounter gone wrong. Prep won’t stop it. It’s not an excuse. Dirty sex is sick.

  11. Robert

    If guys insist that I wear a condom, I kick them out. I think it’s funny too, when guys say they always wear a condom. Ask them, if they have one on, right now. Such little brainwashed drones.

  12. Rano

    Condom please, other wise we are spreading the nightmare! Don’t be so selfish, I am afraid who refuse to use condom is for himself, why bother. One mistake, life is over but regrets! Don’t be that person. Life is not all about sex, sex us part of the life. Don’t ruin your life because of sex, I saw many victim of regret, I wish I wish but it’s too late.

  13. Tomzuk

    I haven’t had sex in 7 years but if and when I do decide to have sex… My life…My rules. Most men suck in bed so not missing anything.

  14. Italian Stallion

    Been seeing this great guy and that moment came when penetration was about to happen in our unplanned makeout session. He wanted to “just put in the head”… I refused. He said it won’t matter if it’s just the head, and besides he is using PreP…
    ..I don’t give a rat’s ass what he says, I live by my own rules. I have to protect myself no one is going to do that for me.
    ..Later for you bud.

  15. rparktop

    Why all the drama? If you don’t feel comfortable doing someting, say no. Stop being a 15 year old girl insecure about the size of her breasts. . You have made.a.choice about your body. so has he. you don’t agree. case closed. your choice trumps his. if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem, don’t make it yours.

  16. Lamar

    For all the reasons, intelligently stated, these days; I’m only having frottage or maturational type sex, prostate massage, things that are creatively-safe, even in a monogamous relationship, “things go wrong.” I just have no trust for guys these days.

  17. Texas dude

    i wonder how many of these “i hate condoms; i never use condoms; it makes me lose my erection” guys wear cockrings and other genital gear? how many of them are currently older guys (25 years and up) that may already have genital herpes, and or other STD’s? How can people really think that if their profile is blank, especially regarding their sexual practices with using protection, and including their HIV status, that they are open and are going to be honest with their next partner/ victim. what astounds me are the “bug chasers” and those that go around infecting younger, ignorant, and just coming to terms with their man2man desires men. What those that are living their life with an incurable STD are doing to lure and tempt their partners into joining them in POZ status, through deceit and pressure, could be possibly breaking the state law (of where they reside or hooking up at) if they infect someone under false pretenses or had forced, assaulted, or got their victim unconscious, and could facing serious criminal charges. Even though infection does not equal instant death as during the beginning of the AIDS crisis, it still is a premeditated act to deny or outright lie to your sexual partner about your status in order to get laid without condoms. If two people agree and have mutual consent, then there was a missed opportunity for keeping ones own health, removing risk, and actually letting go of ones own self care and esteem. And to address the frustration of a previous poster, if they were attempting to be in a monogamous relationship, i would expect the two of them to discuss their sexual preparedness before joining up. How could you be in a relationship with someone that wants the opposite of your sexual practices??? If you love bareback then stick to those that are on the same page. If you are into safe sex, then your obvious choice remains others into safer sex. Continuous intoxication and substance usage/ abuse are an issue for many and do not help maintain healthy choices all around. And i hate to say this, but if one stays on the safe sex side it won’t matter as much if there was infidelity by a partner, in regards to contracting what the cheater may have picked up and brought home….Always do your best to maintain your OWN life and wellbeing. No need to judge or shame others. If we truly cared about ourself, then the likelihood of hurting ourself by allowing an unhealthy person access to undue our stability will also lesson.

  18. John

    Personally i would recommend that monogamous or not, condoms should be worn. I had a trans fuck buddy and we used condoms and sometimes we went raw but i learned my lesson after catching the clap twice from her that people or horrible people and i was lucky i only caught the clap and not HIV. NO GLOVE = NO LOVE (or no fucking). These days i don’t even suck dick without condoms and i have withdrawn from eating ass because people are horrible to each other. I keep a book with the names and contact information for if i have to back track who i was with last to be sure that i know where to look if i was to contract something since i also don’t sleep around like i did in my 20s. CONDOMS ARE MADE TO BE USED SO USE THEM!!!

  19. SCOTT

    the “ice cold clean out” technique will cut down on ALL transmittable diseases and could eliminate the need for condom use if clinical trials would ensue.
    too many people think latex and lube is the cure all, but it isn’t.
    hygiene and discouraging unwanted renters is a better outlook in my opinion.
    using temperature theory to control disease is much more effective against the pesky little ones and we all know HIV is much harder to contract. it’s been working for me for four years, maybe the medical industry should look into it.

  20. ShyBiGuy

    I’d love to have bareback sex, it’s so natural and to me feels much more intimate. Unfortunately the amount of worry afterwards makes it not worth the risk . Maybe on day.

  21. N Klotz

    With all of the “gay shaming” we get from the hetero world, I would hope that our community could treat each other with a little more kindness. If you like condoms–awesome! But there’s no need to say those who partake in “dirty sex” are disgusting. And if you are a fan of barebacking–have fun with it! But don’t treat the person who’s not ready to take that step now (or ever) like they’re mindless drones not worth a moment of your time. Do what you want, be comfortable with your decision, but don’t shame others if they’re personal choice isn’t congruent with yours. We have enough outside influences tearing us down–we don’t need to do it to ourselves. Just my two cents…

  22. Gregg

    Remember. if the dude wants to fuck you bare, he’s fucking other dudes bare, too. Do you want to take that risk? Monogomous relationships are quite a bit different. If both are clean and both have a serious monogomous commitment, then fucking bare would be appropriate. It’s a nice expression of truly being one with your partner in sexual intercourse.

  23. Daniel Aseel

    If you can’t use a condom then don’t look for me to Bottom for I only play safe and that’s That got it I might be Versatile Top here but even I know safe sex is always best and when I bottom I want to feel safe at it it’s your body just remember that ……


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