Gay Stuff: Gay Men Over 45 More Likely To Be Single

People nowadays like to use the word “daddy” to describe someone attractive, but a new survey points out that gay guys old enough to actually be daddies may not be getting any love at all.

A survey conducted by the AARP reveals that 57 percent of gay men over the age of 45 reported being single, while 48 percent of bisexual men and women over the age of 45 said the same. The survey interviewed 1782 LGTBQ adults in the United States, across all 50 states.

Aside from being single, these gay men also have a smaller support network compared to lesbians. As stated in the study, “when asked about their social support network, gay men are less connected compared to lesbians on every relationship type tested, from LGBT friends to straight friends, from partners to neighbors.”

Not only do the findings say that gay men over 45 are more likely to be single, the survey also reported that gay men over the age of 45 are also concerned about having adequate family and/or social support as they age. The survey suggests that this could be an “indication of being more self-sufficient, or an indication that they are less likely to reach out for help.”

Here on the Adam4Adam blog, you guys have certainly had no qualms sharing your thoughts on having a relationship at a later age. Our post “How Do You Feel About Age Differences?” prompted a lot of discussion from you guys. A number of men in their 50s talked about their relationships with men in their late twenties or younger. Reader Willie, for instance, had this to say: “My man is 25, I’m 56. His energy has refreshed me, make me feel and act younger. While he has benefited with a stable secure man, I get the most—new life and love.”

To our older readers, do you find the survey’s results reflected in your own life? Is it harder to find a partner once you’ve passed the age of 45? Or are you like Willie, happily in a relationship even in his 50s? Or better yet, if you’re a man over 45 and you’ve found your partner on Adam4Adam, we’d love to hear about it! Share your thoughts and stories with us in the comments section below!

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  1. GnRSM

    I’m am 65 and my partner passed 15 year ago.
    It’s been very difficult since then to meet another person regardless of their age, in part living behind the “Orange Curtain” here in Southern California.

  2. Franz

    bullshit 70% are bottoms that’s why there all single.
    I know a ton of 20 year old twinkies that are single too.
    its more like men over 55 have a less chance of finding a mate an getting laid.

    • Dylan

      Ummmm… could you introduce me to some of those twinks? I can prob take about 10-15 off your hands. I’ll treat them right.

  3. Barebacker

    I’m 45 and met my partner over 12 years ago on Adam. We’re happy, albeit nothing is perfect, and we have no thoughts of leaving each other. He is aware I sometimes play on the side but regardless I come home to him and a home cooked meal. I think Adam is a great place to find romance, love, and even friendships. Most of my gay friends I’ve met on Adam. It’s as simple as being respectful to everyone.

    • Danny

      Well that may just be the key. If more people practiced it there would so that many singles. Sure we all have our “type” attractions ,but that doesn’t mean we should be rude those who aren’t when one drops on our path.

  4. Patrick

    It is a sad state of affairs when you reach your 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s. Gay men won’t even look at you, much less date you. Superficial people who do not realize that the fountain of youth soon fades.

    • Dylan

      You sir, are not looking in the right places. The “daddy movement” is alive and well. It seems the twinks are looking for a lack of bs, great sex, experience and something a bit regular. Since I’ve gotten older I’ve had more younger guy I did when I was at a younger age. I am NOT complaining. Maybe add the word “daddy” to your profile. See the difference in response.

    • Geoff

      I agreed . . . . its like I am the white elephant in the room. The best I get is a week or so of some 0nline chat but thats it. This goes for young as older guys. I came from the era when you would go and and meet peope that way – so much easier then it is today. I am still hopeful but as each year goes by I get less so. . . .

  5. Lee

    In all the messages I have sent stating interest in meeting, I never get a response. It is tough even finding friends of mutual interests out of bedroom.

  6. Mitch

    You talk about it being hard to find a man at 45. I think at 45 you have those that like daddies. But once you pass 25 it starts going down hill and get hard the older you get to old for those that like younger guys to young those that like older. You have a small network of Equal Opportunity Fucks that will always be there young or old but your wet dream guys will always be out of reach during that in between guy.

    Jaded Small Town Bible Belt Guy.

    • SteveC

      Get yourself out of your small Bible Belt Town into a more urban and sophisticated environment. JTwenty-five is NOT over the hill. Life started to get better at 30, and better yet in my 40’s and 50’s. Some unexpected health issues have made the 60’s less fun than they could be, but as long as I have breath in me and my mind a lot of things are still possible.

      Now what is unlikely is that I would find a partner my own age. Gay men my age were wiped out by AIDS until the protease inhibitors were introduced. Some of us buried several people and the guys my age who are still around are either in 30+ year relationships or so scarred from burying too many people too quickly that they just are not good candidates.

  7. PostGayGrandDad

    The findings are not surprising, but you can arrive at the same answers in many ways.

    I’m over 57. I’m single. I have few friends or family.

    My husband is long dead. Most of my gay friends died, too. The family kicked me out, as happened back then.

    I’m sure there are as many scenarios as there are over 57 A4A men. The survey shows answers, not how the participants arrived at them.

  8. hardtopftl

    many of us lost our true loves and good friends early in the epidemic. Poz-phobia is still a thing – (UB2!) many negative guys still refuse to associate with poz guys, and poz guys learned early to keep up their guard and withhold affection in anticipation of the inevitable heartbreak of being rejected.

    plus now the “dating pool” of men of a certain age is much smaller, and many who were lost were the more OUT-going types (pun intended); less social guys had a better chance of staying negative.

    younger guys usually don’t have this baggage, that’s one reason I seem to get along better with them….plus so many seem to have daddy issues !

    • Hunter4B

      Thank you HardTopFTL for sharing this! I was very young, but I recall the epidemic, and the nastiness which followed, I am sorry so many here are are so negative regarding those who were by chance caught in the middle. We are all absolutely lucky to be alive today, and so many have medicine to keep them alive, and so many more have no idea that they are no better, no worse, just ABSOLUTELY LUCKY … [DID YOU HEAR THAT? If you have sex, EVER, and even if you used protection every time, you are simply LUCKY to be negative. Sure, there were ways to lower risk and avoid chances, but ultimately HIV was non-discriminant]; I still recall those who said “the general population doesn’t need to worry about this” … I wonder how many people were unaware that some people injected and shared needles? I wonder when people fully realized that men and women, and women and women, and men and men were ALL having sex with each other, and I wonder how many didn’t realize that SAFE SEX was really just ‘safer sex’
      When I was so lost, and at some point more willing to let go, than ever accept this part of me, I was very lucky to have two POZ friends who were kind and supportive of me. They never pushed for themselves, and instead taught me how to be wise, to love myself, and to remain negative, they also taught me through their deeds and kindness how to love a POZ man.
      Once upon a time gays were MEN, some hyper-masculine, some feminine, some just guys … and in watching so many of them pass in the 80s and 90s, I got to see how a MAN faced his mortality … and not be like the negative ninnies here, who constantly share how insecure little boys behave when hiding behind the safety of their keyboards.
      I bet you have a lot you could teach us!

  9. Lamar

    Another really worthwhile study, in my opinion.

    One of my older sisters said this decades ago about this very same thing, “its so sad gay men grow old alone.” Well, when all of your relationships revolve around quick-immediate sex, yeah, that’s what happens to most gay men.

    We keep long term friendships, but too frequently, that does not transfer to monogamous-partnerships. . . relationships teach you something quite valuable. Prepares you to do/be
    better with your next partnership as people do frequently fall out of love with each other
    for numerous reasons. Me, I out-grew my last lover in multiple ways.

    Key word here, being ‘value’, at some point a “thinking man” will invest just as wisely in someone whom he would finds significant value in, just as you would for a capital investment,
    for the long-term investment.

    Some of us grow-up, mature, and then there’s others whom of course are just simply growing old; and like “waving at a parade that has long since passed you by” (Sunset Blvd). This, is the case with many guys, depending on the region you live in; I’m now here in So. Florida, having grown-up in the Midwest where older men might be more inclined.

    I speaking of the difference between So. Flo and the Midwest anyway, its like party-city here; living for the next trick, unfortunately. I’m quoting, “this is where relationships end.” It’s all about the partying-sex and sun-beach, money.

    And lets note, ‘most’ gay men, typically, are quite selfish, self-centered, shallow as a cookie-sheet, lol, trendy-moving at the speed of light, not really taking stock in anything much.

    Having said all that I have, its just fine as very young men, guys are still kids at heart, lol, in you’re very young 20’s, however, its the mid 30’s, 40’s and up, you should, ‘if’ you’re growing-period, some really important things dawn on you.

  10. Dakota92

    As a man that can still see age 45 in the rear view mirror and having had a long term relationship or three…(?), I have found that the best support I have is… me. While I have very good long term friends, most I have known over 30 years, gay and straight, I was raised to be independent and I have tried to remain so. And for better or worse, at a certain point I found I wasn’t as hung up on the idea of a life long partner. I have had meaningful relationships and I love my friends and family but after a couple failed attempts I have found spreading my love of life and friends/family works better for me than a traditional relationship.

  11. bradley sprague

    also the thought of being alone and or dying alone is awful, there is a shortage of men in this age group is because of the aids crisis , it came around and affected alot of men in the age group

  12. Hunter4B

    Yes! THIS data is what I have been speaking about: smaller support networks, less likely to feel the need to share their sexuality with others, and in many ways less likely to unify with others similar to us.

    For a long time I thought, this is the positive side to my possibilities. This could be great, loving men means I don’t need to uphold those tired old traditions (holding a door, bringing flowers, etc.) except, I now realize that I want a traditional guy, I want THAT reciprocal and responsible [for & to] someone else … while I get the appeal of ‘right here, right now’ sexuality, it changes seem to go along with a national move towards convenience: you no longer have to drive through a restaurant, you can have someone else drive and get it for you! Oh man, as I fast approach the 40s and start of the 50s I notice the guys here seem really fit, maybe that is why younger guys are attracted to them. I certainly hope that is why, how hollow love might be if we pick up other heteronormative behaviors such as pragma-love! How sad I would be if I only fell for the package, and find I was not interested in the contents!

    • Lamar

      What! You write with a certain kind of , what, exuberance I’d say, thus, I had you at the age of a college student kind of age, give or take 5yrs, lol.

      I keep myself in shape, lean, I love my thick full dreads, I get the “daddy-dick thing” with frequency! But, as you’ve pointed out, men in their our 50’s are looking fantastic, and some in their 60’s even, besides, I love character lines on a mans face, greying hair, I always have.

      A few years ago, there was man on here, complaining about some young twenty-something
      and I asked, “why are you complaining about a 20yr old acting like his age?” I went on to tell him, “You’re the problem, man, not him what’s your excuse?” He was done. I wouldn’t have anybody, young enough to be my son, I’m going on 58, I think mid 40’s is ok, though. I envision growing older with some one, though, based on ‘who’ I am to me.

      I seen hetero and homo types of these relationships, where one is significantly younger, nothing but disaster.

      • Hunter4B

        Man Lamar, I believe we were BOTH lucky to be taught that we were no better, no worse, than any one else, and those lessons stuck. I get what you are saying, and you always make me think from another perspective. Further up, in your original blog, I totally agree about the maturity factor; we DON’T have to grow old ALONE. Unfortunately, most gay men are used to always having a large disposable income, and making individual choices, in the moment, which best suits them! It makes it more difficult to then subsequently place another’s needs before your own. I do not believe they start with the intention to be selfish, but always having your way and doing as you please in the moment can have some negative consequences too. Maybe I’m an idealist. A long time ago, when I felt some depression and wasn’t taking care of my self, I gained some weight, not that bad, but went up a full size in clothes, (total SIN here). I handled it well, but made the adjustment to my profile … man if I didn’t get ignored a lot more, some blocks, it was funny because when Dave posted about a ‘Body Positive’ model here and guys were so comfortable making horrible comments on the blog (yeah feel good about yourself, but no one is gonna want to F him!) Um, yeah, like it is not possible for different guys to have different things turn them on? Maybe fat isn’t healthy, but neither is the mindset that you are ‘perfect’ or ‘hot’ … the damage we do to ourselves here is tremendous … Any how, later, I got back into working out, and I never changed my profile back, because they guys that matters to, are not guys I want to know … those guys aren’t just just acting their ages, they are acting out like the spoiled child they have indulged for a lifetime … they are pure id, and I feel sorry for them, because one day, reality will knock on the door. We have to work hard: to be healthy, to be kind, and to try to overcome the dumb and capricious mentalities our community revels in daily.

        I am taking some time from work, so if you notice me posting more, that is why 😉

  13. K. Hoyle

    Unfortunate that the gay culture does not embrace relationships that are meaningful and impactful. What is embraced is endless amounts of bad sex that never goes anywhere. We fuck our way through our 20’s, get hooked on sex sites that we desperately want to believe will lead to something lasting, and turn around and find ourselves in our 40’s–a new ballgame. Older and wiser, human nature settles in and out of nowhere you suddenly want 1 person to share yourself with. Unfortunately, no one is in the mood to share because they are on the same merry-go-round you were on years earlier. ***I am glad my siblings came along much later and 2. I had a relationship in my 20’s that lasted 15 years. All of that to say, I feel good moving into this stage of my life and single.

    • Jer

      Hate to tell ya but a lot of you are wrong and Esp you making this statement , I’ve been with guys half my age way more than when I was their age But it is true that the AIDS epidemic took away a lot of these men that are over the age of 45 but it couldn’t be that 30s and even the worst 20 somethings are a bunch of pretentious superficial very shallow people
      “Me Me Me” Millenials
      Being Very Shallow and superficial has always been amongst gay “bitches” who want “the next best thing” but this young generation of guys ARE even Worse

  14. soft & fluffy

    Yet another stupid ‘article’ (Not Dave’s fault!) that picks an arbitrary number that makes anyone at that age or over feel like a dinosaur .
    I’m 62 in a few week’s time and I’ve (regretfully) been single my entire life. And it’s not because I look or act like an old fart. An hour ago I was just mistaken as a 43 year old .
    The problem in my case is I have a lot of latent hangups having had to grow up and live as a hetero , plus I know absolutely what I like and there’s no wavering from it at all . If it don’t float my boat I’m not interested. I can not and will not just jump into the sack with anyone.
    Willie , quoted in the article above is a very lucky guy . I keep hearing from good friends that there’s a load of guys out there looking for older , more settled and stable guys like me that would also fit the bill as far as what I like but be damned if I can find them anywhere.
    Such is life living in a very small place where people have a multitude of hangups.

    • Abackus37

      Age, etc., describes me to a ‘T’. It felt as if I wrote this. Totally agree with you, man. This sums it up. A good read.

  15. dls245

    I’m 55 and single and never had a real loving relationship with anyone. I have always thought I could never be good enough or have enough to give to another person and I would fuck it up. I guess seeing others get hurt in relationships and breakups, I didn’t need to put myself in those shoes. So, I avoid it.
    There are days I kick myself for not trying and the time is ticking faster as I get older. I’m sure with my HIV undetectable status hasn’t help find my perfect match for a relationship. Like the article stated…”the survey also reported that gay men over the age of 45 are also concerned about having adequate family and/or social support as they age. The survey suggests that this could be an “indication of being more self-sufficient, or an indication that they are less likely to reach out for help.” This hits the nail right on the head for me. Most of the time, being single after 45 isn’t all that bad either.

    • Robert Patterson

      I can relate to your post. I am over 50 and single, but I have good friends and a surrogate family that keeps me smiling. If I die alone, so be it. Good luck to you.

  16. Michael Supko

    Relative question:
    What percentage of the older, gay, male population was decimated by the HIV/AIDS epidemic of the 80s and 90s. I know as I look around at the age of 50, most of the people in my youth are gone. They didn’t survive their 20s.

    • PostGayGrandDad

      So true. I have heard a good 50% of the men of my (65) generation are dead. That has been so for 25 years. We may be old now, but we survived. An even more interesting question might be what percentage of the survivors are tops? AIDS seemed to take the bottoms.

  17. Luigi Nonono

    There are no support “systems” for older men. They are mostly scorned by younger men and by each other. I find most to be emotionally or socially stunted, extremely self-centered, peculiar, and extreme in sexual desires. Delving into the dark alleys of kink and other sexual extremes only serves to make you less accessible to others. Many have developed their sexuality to an extreme while remaining heartless and unable to have a close relationship. I have no close gay friends, and rarely have ever had any.
    The unanswered question in this essay is, are younger gay men more likely to be in relationships? Then why aren’t they lasting? I see so many “open relationships” out there, or guys who just cheat because their sex life apparently cooled down. That says to me that the relationship did not have a solid foundation to begin with. Or, because they are comfortable, or unwilling to financially separate, couples stay together when they should have moved on to new partners.
    I also think, as much as gay men need help, too much therapy is doing damage, as the emphasis is on self-involvement rather than guidance to healthy living. We need better leadership and better relationships. We need to lead the way with more than our erections. And, by the way, even by 50, many of you may lose those erections. The heart is far more dependable than the glorious penis.

    • Hunter4B

      Totally agree about ‘support systems’ though it really isn’t the younger generations fault, nearly an entire [80s & 90s] ‘cohort of generations’ was wiped out. People were scared, it got manipulated into blame and hate (including a lot of internalized hatred). A new generation is growing up, and they see the best aspects of technology, conspicuous consumption, and hands-free hookups. THIS is their inheritance, their dowry if you will: quick and easy online sex, and a tough hard candy shell. Your final point, regarding too much therapy … WHO raises these gay kids? Mostly straight parents who, through no fault of their own, were raised to believe in heteronormative values and they don’t WANT their kids to be gay, and some over-the-top parents refuse to accept their gay child. That scenario would ALSO be an absolute impetus for US to take on the responsibility and be the examples for this younger generation (Unfortunately “daddy” has such a mutated meaning here, and few have the fortitude to be self actualized, beyond what’s in it for their id [noun, concept])! Check out the old blogs, when you are young and gay, and you come out so others might see there ARE good examples, and so suicidal kids might see it CAN and DOES get better THEN the tired, old, selfish, jaded queens HERE pounce, they shame them with trite TOP 40 commentary: “Oh gawd!” “Not Again!” “stop sticking it in everyone’s faces!” and my favorite of the worst: “He ain’t that HOT.” Yes, we have turned our sexuality into INFOtainment, a commodity, it glorifies the worst of our “ANY WARM HOLE” mentality, and trivializes the plight of children awakening to new thoughts, feelings, emotions, and drives they cannot just ‘control.’ This behavior negates their struggles … Man, when I was new here, I was completely jaded to the jilting I found from so many. I had no one who could show me how to BE the man I was becoming. One dude, who I shared so many private thoughts, and emerging feelings. finally told me:
      “Its cool, if you want to find out if you’re gay, come suck me off in ___ parking lot!”
      Wow, that was magnanimous of him … but, since I didn’t want to give up my virginity in a parking lot … my big reward was being blocked (just another of the stupid features here, DON’T tell them what’s wrong, just block them). In Sept-Dec 2017, I donated when I heard guys were being beaten and killed in Chechnya, and in the blogs that same week guys were dissing those being tortured, more concerned about the letters in LGBTQ, than in the torture … my heart sank, those that hate us, don’t need to do anything, as the trolls here are already doing it for them …

    • bjjj

      You are so right, that the heart and love for each other is much more glorious than a hard cock. I find it very hard to find hookups, the occasional blow and go thing, seldom to see him again. Sometimes at an older age “kinks” go way too far, as they believe it’s going to take the place of a good friendship and relationship. A relationship, good friendship is really the true acceptance of each other. Acceptance between me and my BF has always been great, as he is black and I am white, which doesn’t even matter or concern either one of us.

  18. Randy

    I get hook-ups pretty much whenever I want. I just find I want don’t want hook-ups so much any more. It is all about experience and moving on. Most of the guys I hook-up with are 19 to 30. I’m 60. Most of the guys I hook-up with are simply putting themselves out there to gain experience, and thank goodness for that! I’m single and would like to be dating… more than one young dude at a time!

  19. Pete Manatrump

    60 single extremely handsome yada yada. I missed the survey but I find there are a lot of teases. Get to the point of meeting, and they’re gone. It’s tough out there, but it has been for 20 years it seems. Prostitution needs to become legal. I believe this would make life more enjoyable, safer and healthier for the consumer and the sex specialist. Yeah, $15 at KP.

  20. ISOLTRJock

    LUIGI NONONO beat me to it, i.e., asking the $64 question: What percentage of gay men UNDER the age of 45 are single? I that one reason it’s tough for older gay guys to not be single is because by age 45 many guys own their home and probably a house full of “stuff.” Two guys in that situation are probably not going to live together. Some would say “If you’re not living together, what’s the point?” I’m in my 60’s and living alone sucks, and not in a good way. If there were a gay tennis retirement community somewhere, I would probably be looking into it. My ex- was 27 and that worked for 3 years. I found him on the defunct .

  21. JustGuessing

    I’m a 58 year old bisexual. I admit to have dated more women than men. I have noticed that women are more loving and devoted in relationships than men. Gay men tend to objectify – especially looks. As the earlier posters have mentioned, if you’re not young and hot looking, you’re lucky to get anyone to talk to you. Although this is also the case in the heterosexual world, it is amplified in the gay world. A gay man will allow or force himself to be alone unless he can find a “hot” guy. This is a very superficial and destructive attitude. It actually prevents you from having a meaningful relationship. This is pretty much impossible when you’re in your fifties and really need a loving, caring partner. As you get older you need others to help you – especially if you have health problems. It actually bothers me that none of the guys I’ve had relationships with ever really knew me – and could care less. We had fun and great sex and that’s where it ended. I’m trying to not be judgmental – maybe it’s me and I’ve just had bad experiences. ’nuff said.

    • Hunter4B

      Your SECOND line says it all. We hand little girls dolls (toy babies), we hand little boys toy guns … we begin socializing them the moment they are born (if not the moment of the GENDER REVEAL party). Being nurturing is a human quality, & good parents do it for their children (whether they are male or female). So unfortunate that the term DADDY has only ONE meaning here (while good for him, it could mean so much for the rest of us!) because we could use some MEN to nurture and foster support and positivity here. So blessed that to have had a father who cared for and loved me, taught me to stand on my own two feet, and to have honor and integrity.

  22. Bret

    Our generation came of age during the height of the AIDS crisis. There are less of us, we lost a large chunk of our generation so its definitelt more difficult to date

  23. Older and loved

    Im 52 and my partner is 28. He pursued me and I kept brushing him off after the hot evening encounters thinking age was an issue. I didn’t think i deserved a younger, handsome talented guy. I thought i was doomed to age alone. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. We met in Mexico City 2 years ago. Im from SF area, and even with the distance , his travel visa issues he stuck it out. I almost pushed away the best man in this world. He keeps me feeling younger and my life interesting. I worry about what will happen when I want to quit working and he’s still in the middle of his career. Im a medical professional and he’s a public relation spokesperson for a popular Mexican entertainer. He travels often for his work and i truly miss him when he’s gone. He keeps reminding me that age and distance is not a big deal when you love some one. I would say to older guys. Don’t give up hope, get out in the world, be available, open minded, and know that you deserve to be loved no matter what the age.

  24. Jer

    Let me shed some light on this topic
    And just to mention whoever doesn’t post this into this blog I’ll know you can’t handle some truth -so just post the damn thing!
    Anyhow I just turned 44 in April
    I have been single for 10 years but there has been other things that went on in my life that has kept me from meeting another actual decent human being that could just possibly be another guy
    First Like the economy tanking in
    ‘ 08 the financial instability that went on then
    Losing my father to a massive heart attack but then just Not genuinely meeting any decent guy that’s worth a sh*t that doesn’t play games- Who can commit to something more than just hooking up or actually meeting you then again I’ve never had too many people flake on me because it will make you own it but it couldn’t be that Gay men Are even more so now our bitch
    c* ntier now and more shallow than ever
    But it doesn’t also help when you have your own health take a beating and then lose other loved ones to death from different diseases so it’s a lot to just tag and then even the idea of trying to meet another person beyond all that in between but after the fact
    But than again like a previous reply to one other comment in this blog
    – is that –
    Superficiality and shallowness is and has always been amonst gay man -it’s like wild fire
    but actually more so like a really bad plaguing disease
    Most ARE NEVER satisfied
    this is the reason why it seems like it’s more prevalent now more than ever
    THIS IDEALOGY OF BEING about open relationships -committed but play on the side
    because God for bid any of you Actually commit to a marriage or commit for more than a few weeks TO ANY ONE PERSON
    & usually that MY KNOWLEDGE of
    I don’t recall “ third wheels” or third parties , groups or other beyond you and one. Other person
    -Third “Anythings” don’t work not for long in any documentation being involved or otherwise
    & YES I’m being snarky as f*ck but gay guys piss me off
    & have pissed me off for over 20 years because the fact because of this “attitude”
    that it’s like gay men think because they’re gay that it makes them somehow different that they don’t have to commit – to one person
    -that no commitment or rules of an actual marriage or otherwise true commitment applies to them
    -so yes it would make it difficult for 45-year-old + guy to be with somebody and especially with younger guys that take this “attitude “
    that Ive found more and more that they just don’t have the time or they don’t want to be tied down
    or this.. or that …
    Or some other bullsh*t excuse that they JUST don’t have the balls to JUST say they’re not interested or I’m committing to my career which could be an actual valid thing
    it’s JUST gay men playing games & nothing but f*cking stupid bullsh*t and yes it makes it Definitely very difficult for somebody like me to find a decent guy Esp to trust somebody
    – to try and be with
    or try and meet and give it a go – see where things could lead but then again you ha e to see anyone more than once and not just for sex like a one-nighter
    I’ve always been different than most people because I don’t put up with any of this bullsh*t and I certainly don’t put up with the games most try and dish out because I usually catch onto the sh*t way before they even get started or get going
    I do believe in love
    I do believe in relationships
    it’s something I’ve always wanted since age of 25 when I started dating guys and started having attraction to guys –
    —that I finally come to terms with after year at that time
    but I am not going to settle for anyone anything less than what I think I WANT AND SHOULD HAVE ANY PARTNER OR EVER POSSIBLY A HUBBY
    WHICH SHOULD BE SO EASY – FILLED WIth TRIE LOVE & TRUST AND TRUE COMMITMENT and SOME OF THAT that might sound narcissistic but only those that are narcissistic would think that-
    it’s too bad that the GOOD guys THAT WANT an ACTUAL ROMANCE ,LOVE & COMMITMENT seem to come in last or MORESO get left behind in the cyclone of all the BS And whoever is in charge of this blog if it doesn’t GET posted after the “moderating”
    I’ll know that you can’t handle truth because clearly you didn’t post this

  25. Jer

    Oh and by the way the black-and-white picture of this older gentleman
    I’m sorry but he’s way older than 45 you might want to get you an actual 45-year-old to take a picture of to post

  26. Someone in New Orleans

    yes, how sad, but true, in our life style we have catagories: Young,Hung, Rich. for those of you that fit one of these, life is wonderful, But if you are an average, nice sincer man, you are going to have to work for attention, When i was 20 i was young, thin,blonde hair, blue eye and a model with a husband, after 10 yrs, i have a new husband, and hit on all the time, at the age of 42 i was single and dating, at age 55 i was looking harder then i was ever used to, at age 62 i can’t pay someone to show me attention, why, because who wants a nice guy. Sad to think the next stage in my life maybe a nursing home, We really need to take care of each other. My best to all he old queens, like me

  27. Kim

    Being 61 and having come to terms with the fact that I am gay when I was 50 has created some challenges. I was married to a women for 25 years, and she was my best friend, but sexually there basically wasn’t anything between us. We did have kids. She got pregnant the last two times we had sex and my youngest was 14 when she passed, so that gives you an idea about that picture.

    I would love to find a soulmate and get into a relationship with someone whom I could grow old with, but that is not easy living in a smaller Southern Utah Mormon town.

    It seems like there is a lot of the attitude that a many of the older guys are looking for the younger guys and the younger guys are looking for either other younger guys or a sugar daddy.

    Where does that leave us older guys who either aren’t interested in being a sugar daddy or in a position to become someone’s sugar daddy? I just don’t know. If you have any suggestions, please post.

  28. Jason

    The sad thing is the the older guys all want someone in the their 20’s and 30’s…they don’t seem to want guys their own age in my area it seems. I’m 41 and I saw a guy who was 50 saying he was looking for younger guys…well, I’m younger but when I messaged him he said he was only interested in under 25. seems like a lot of older guys are only into the twins

    • Trent

      Jason don’t get discourage. Even I look 15 or more younger than my actual age ( yes it can) I don’t look for only 20 or 30s something. I look for the quality and for people/men that want to be with me. When I hear or talk to some older man that only look for younger well guess what I do ? LOL AND ELIMINATE/DELETE. and even worse some of these older men look awful and gross looking

  29. David

    The reality’s of the survey should not come as any surprise. Truth be told, as a community that understands the heartache of being discriminated against for there sexual orientation, the community itself is blind to the reality that within its own search for inclusion they overtly segregate. The gay community must always remember this – we are all heading in the same direction as we look
    In the mirror and become enthralled by the image of youth let us not forget that Father Time
    ( no matter how much Botox) Will surely breathe the season of winter upon us- The answer is to come to a better understanding that we are all here for more than just; the bar, the bathhouse, a one night stand and whatever predilection you may be drawn. We are here to establish healthy, long lasting intimate relationships – to share the joys and struggles of life with someone!

  30. Marcus

    Folks I’m a 50 (late) something single black male. I decided not to get old. I love my life and happier now than i been in many years. Luckily I’m able to go to the gym 6 days a week. I’m 6’0 195 athletic pounds. Some things we can control and that is our bodies, personal hygiene, grooming and last but not least the way we dress. Older men get old and stop taking care of themselves. Younger black males flock to me with no financial gains. I fend off the ones that try right off the bat. Secondly, being single to me is a plus. People don’t realize but relationships are stressful, very hard, fustrating at times and trying. Been there and done that. My heart use to ache during the hard, arguing, tense times. Tension would be so high at times it would be almost unbearable. All those who are in relationships know exactly what I mean. Not all lovie dovie but great at times. In closing older men, please take care of yourself. Buy some nice cologne. Dress neat everyday even when you go grocery shopping or to the mall. Wear nice shoes. Shave everyday and groom your entire body. Dye your gray hair some if you want too, older women does it all the time plus it’s not against the law. Lol. Please wear real jewelry and the most important thing is to keep your weight down and work out. If you can’t afford a gym go online to you tube and find the right workout for you and stick to it. Lastly older men. This is the hardest but you can do it if you want to look good and remain healthy. Try to cut out sweets completely. No sodas, donuts, candy, etc. Then cut out all breads completely. Older men you can sacrifice that for good health and to look good. Its a lot of other options out there now in the grocery stores. Remember you feel better when you look good and know you look good. That can lead to hot sex men. Its worth the Sacrifice to me and MOST importantly watch your blood pressure go down, cholesterol numbers go down and many other health benefits improve. 😉

  31. paul

    I am 59 hiv poz lots of people turn away from me…its sad…but i am thankful i am ageing gracefully… my sliver hair that a lot younger gay men like….. lost my lover jan 25 2014 and he was not hiv pos,( i was..)you never no when your time is up, hiv pos or neg,,,, yes its hard to find love again at 59

  32. Blondemike

    Well, as a single but looking 53 yr old, this post is depressing :-(. Seems like a lot of the people I encounter are men in open relationships…. so they fuk around but have a love at home…. that’s strange to me…and seeing sugar daddies with their bought and paid boy toys is revolting to me. (Sorry trying not to judge but it is!) … how about some older guys in committed long term relationships tell us your secrets of where you met and how you lasted?

  33. Jack

    I think this article is true for some, not so true for others. The gay universe has always been and will always be about youth (or at least looking young) beauty, and sex. Maybe it’s not fair and not right, but life isn’t always fair—that’s just the way it is. I know plenty of hot men over 40 (and yeah even over 50) who take care of themselves, have great bodies, look years younger, and who still get plenty of great sex. Then I know guys in their 20s and 30s who are overweight, unhealthy and (surprise!) never get laid. So it isn’t just about age. The reality is that most young gay men don’t take time to comprehend that they will one day be older. They don’t plan ahead. They smoke, do drugs, eat bad food, lie in the sun, work out only when they feel like it (if they work out at all). It’s too late by age 40 to think about these things: the damage is done. Of course, if you’re lucky enough to have a big penis and a bank account to match, that buys you some more time in some circles LOL. I think it’s also a mindset. Some of us love the single life. We are not meant to be in a monogamous relationship. We have sex when we need it, and surround ourselves with good friends who give us the emotional support system we need. When I turn out the light at night, I am content with the life I’ve created. I don’t need to wake up next to a man to get my validation. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones. Who knows?

  34. Veryhandy

    I’m 65. Yes Medicare. If that’s not a turn off for a younger guy I don’t know what is and I never thought I’d get here!

    Younger guys have never been a draw. I, that’s underlined, was the younger guy!

    All the men I have been involved with, save two, that I felt I ‘loved’ have all gone the way of Aids. Each man was an individual and their/our love was individual as well. One, for certain, I was ‘in love’ with and he broke my heart. Isn’t that what having a heart and putting it out there to be broken, is what it’s all about. To then heal and grow and love again.

    I am married to a man I fell for 38 years ago. He’s older, duh, and wiser. Our sexual life is past history. 25 years ago to be exact. He terminated it. We’ve gone on from there to have a business, family (dogs), friends (predominantly straight) and a relationship that ‘is, what it is’. Dependable. Comfortable. Supportive. Nurturing.

    I have moved on sexually with others. Men I care for, love, each in their own way. BUT, I am not ‘in love’ with them. Maybe I’m jaded, or just practical. I have an itch, so I scratch it. It’s just sex.

    We, as human beings, are just that, human beings, complete with foibles, anything but perfect, but perfect nonetheless in our imperfections. Argh, I don’t believe I just wrote tnat…but I did!

    I’m not saying anything new here. Just saying there are many paths and the one I’m on is pretty darn wonderful. We live in a community that is fully aware of who we, as a couple are. Not everyone is thrilled, nor am I, about those very few and their verbal assaults and ‘ignorance’. Grown men. Grown into what. I remind them that I pay school taxes. I have no children to benefit from that, but they do and I hope their children grow up not to have such a narrow view of the real world about them.

    I’m rambling. I’m 65. Cut me some slack! Love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, short terms, long terms……why does it have to be pigeon holed And folded into a neat little ‘thing’. Life is messy and too short no matter how long you live! Like the shoe ad……’just do it!’


    I’m finding (at least in my general area) that another problem is men over 45 in relationships are seeking out 3-somes with single guys like me and there are enough single guys here willing to do go with it so that may be a small factor as well

  36. Lamar

    It really is every man for himself, is what it is, mostly, there’s very, very little support, really. I think its all about the aspect of “nurturing” men usually really suck at it, they’re so busy worrying about how masculine they appear, their inner-beings. Learn to love be loved, through loving yourself, first.

    Those of us that are in touch with that female trait; ability to nurture, are really more-less outcasts to those that consider themselves some sort of “ultra-masculine.” These are the kinds of guys that are ‘usually’ into really extremes; aforementioned by LUIGI, man, you are so right, lol, nailed it!

    Also, you as you’ve said, their ability to even articulate/socialize-stunted, is really shocking!
    Being able to do so, I think once was considered a female trait, but its absolutely essential,
    I’m glad its not just me noticing this inability among some of us.

    Got to be able to nurture yourself, so, as hard as it is; I’m growing old gracefully, yeah man,
    ending this thread on a positive note, I think if you are ‘reverent’ about yourself, you’ll be ok.

  37. bjjj

    I agree that once you hit an older age, (say 50), most guys are no longer interested. ED along with older looks, (beer bellies, wrinkles, health problems, loss of vitality) takes it toll. Lots of older guys, even on A4A, are looking for younger guys, hoping to find the vitality that they once had back in their younger years. I’m in my 60s, and get turned away as far as casual hookups all the time. Although I still have the occasional hookup (usually with older guys). However I found my BF, lover, and best friend, almost 2 years ago. We find that sex isn’t everything, but doing things together is the key to being happy together at an older age. (Yes my BF is past 50 as well). We do all kinds of activities, (travel, movies, concerts, restaurants, museums, etc) and lots of conversation. We share our problems and happy times as well. Sure, we have sex, but it’s not an every day thing like most younger guys. When we do it’s like the, WOW factor. Even a nice hug and kiss is great. We are open in our relationship, and yes we both upon occasion have sex with others, as we both accept it and even talk about our encounters with each other. No jealousies, just happy that sometimes we both can have a good time with others as well.

  38. Frederick Ponzlov

    I believe it has a lot to do with the AIDS epidemic. I lost 47 friends during those years and I went to too many funerals to risk having a relationship with someone that is soon going to die. That is what is implanted in me by those years. It was a horrible time and I just felt I couldn’t risk being with someone and only to lose them months or years later. It conditioned me to be isolated and to insulate myself from any further loss. I wish I could look beyond this but I am 67 and the thought of losing someone yet again I don’t think I could emotionally handle. And anyone over 45 knows what I am talking about,

    • PostGayGrandDad

      Yes. Thank you. I feel the same way. I loved and lost and I could not handle going through that again. Better to stay with the memories than try to start over and be hurt again. It’s not just about the poz thing, although that does add to the fear of loss.

  39. Chance

    I will add to this article. Here in Chicago; all the men are seeking younger men and the younger men here are so out there sexing anything and everything that I find them uninteresting and definitely would not have one for dating and relationship. You know the phase; you cant make a whore into a housewife. I am a hardworking, educated man with a good life of money and home and cars and I would never put myself in a situation with the guys here looking for sugar daddies or seeking someone to take care of them. For those reasons alone; I would rather die alone than have that. Even the ones here on the site; they are seeking relationship; only who they can have sex with and then afterward; they don’t even speak when they see you somewhere out afterward; just totally immature and ignorant. So men are not just single for nothing; there are so many reasons why not to be bothered here in Chicago, these men here are just whored out and busted.

  40. Ray

    No surprise by this survey,its really in the gay life ,shallow,superficial ,trendy.
    No real connectkons anymore,justo hook ups, 1 hour romance,and see ya…
    While of course they are fun at any age,i find THEM rather boring and completely unfulfilling in my late 40s, of course i still desire a life mate,partner, i am no longer seeking it out or hanging daily for it.
    When its time it will come.
    And LIKE most of the responses, its true World Wide, 20-30s are justo figuring out whos they are ,no interest in relationships
    Men in their 40-50s all want the young twink…
    Someday may be everyone will get it ,its not about the exterior beauty at all
    (Most exocticlly beajtiful Men, are in love with their exterior beauty only)
    What is inside, the persons being is really what matters most
    Ir rather be with a beast that is a truly awesome person than a “clone:” stud that has no soul

  41. Stephen McLeod

    I am 55 and I can definitely relate. For various reasons I really only started having sex a couple of years ago. It’s a long story so I’ll spare you. I just never had a whole lot of sex, and when I did, it was always only oral and I paid for it. I still do when I can afford it. I feel like there is a great party, and everyone is invited to it but me. I have always been “out” about my sexual orientation, but I had things to do that precluded doing anything about it. Now I am free and I have no clue how to do this. And I have to wonder, would it matter if I did know? My biggest fear is that I will die alone. But as far as I can tell, that seems to be what I need to prepare for.

  42. Hunter0500

    At 62, I’m fortunate to have a group of “buds”. It took over a decade to get to know them. All are within 15 years of my age. We keep in touch and connect as often as once per week and as infrequent as once per year. Almost all are or were married to women. Most are divorced or widowers. A couple are seeking long term relationships. The rest are seeking friendship and regular sex with guys they’ve known for years. All of us have family that is supportive, but a few have a family member or too that are not. We respect each other and value each other’s time and attention when it comes to sex. We all reach out to new guys from time to time but find so many guys are flakes or too self-centered to become regulars. And many guys have a rigid list of “must haves” that focus too much on what they are looking for from others and far too little on what they are willing to give. We realize we’re very lucky and do all we can to keep our connections strong.

  43. Ben

    I had a dog once. She shit all over my rug. I had a boyfriend once. He shit all over my life. I might get another dog one day.

  44. Ahasuerus

    A) be the person you would like to date: eat carefully, join a gym, don’t wear cardigans and half-glasses. Limit nostalgic references to the Edsel and guy lombardo. Smile.

    B) live in a big city. Mobs of young people and immigrants. Fragile social networks. Anonymity.

    C) be on grindr, A4A, scruff, manhunt, hornet. Approach people you like and respond encouragingly when approached.

    I believe that in awhile you will have more interest than you can reasonably deal with, but maybe not in long term relationships. Or, maybe so. I’m 60, not gorgeous, not a stud, and I find I am over-committed. Young, older, married, foreign, you name it. Folks are looking for company.

    If what you want is a real, lasting, human relationship, I would ignore the advice above in large part, although something lasting might come out of it. If you decide that is really what you want after all.

  45. Michael

    A man found me on Adam pretending to be poz he stole from me he told all my neighbors I was poz. He used his car to run me down o foot he erased all the pics of my family on my phone he even made up lies and told my job I was found innoscent I call cops 54 times in one year. Finally got court to find him guilt. And to stay away from me. I met him on Adam and he is still on here. Oh I forgot. The doctor asked me how I got all the bruises. He was banned to from coming back. I don’t trust anyone on this site. Is there anyway to see in a profile a dude with no police record?

  46. Tom

    I am not sure men are meant to commit to each other romantically. It sure seems to be the exception rather than the rule and there must be a reason besides the same old tired cliches: gay men are shallow, can’t commit, etc. Most of the committed couples I see are like two sexless old ladies living together… ugh… Being alone or being single might be a good thing if you have friends, family, and some reg sex on the side… everyone is different and has different needs though, so what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for another… I will say tho that needing someone to make you happy isn’t really a reason for getting into a relationship… it won’t work. Be happy on your own first. You come into the world alone and you leave the world alone… maybe embrace it!

  47. Nick

    Rather be single than in an a wonderful ‘open’ relationship. Yes being single is lonely but it’s also liberating, you don’t have to account to anyone and if we are honest, a real dog is a much better companion than man.

  48. Ray

    I agree with most of the comments , however being an older gay male in my 50s , I had a wonderful long term( 23 yrs)
    Relationship, everyone grows as a person (hopefully) and partners grow apart , I remain very good friends with my ex we still own real estate together, he has been very supportive of my attempt at new relationships ( very destructive people )
    For some reason I’m always attracted to the next. Who are needy , need support , direction , or drug addicts . And has always ended ugly .. I was also an addict of cocaine and qualudes, it was all fun ,but I out grew those habits , and find now I barely like to drink alcohol.
    We all must learn how to love ourselves first , be happy with your life . No one can make you happy , they can only ad to your own happiness . I had been searching looking for a new relationship with out success so I let it go , if it’s meant to be then we will connect in time , when we both are at the same wavelength and until that happens , I’m enjoying my life as it is .. but one thing , the so called gay community isn’t a community at all , love and true life long friendship s rarely exit , gossiping , negative , shallow people are everywhere.. I choose not to be around that type of energy. Yes it’s a choice , I made , if your hanging out with people like that then you can only receive that type of energy ,, search out for what makes you feel good , and hang out there , then you’ll meet people that are at the level of feeling good about themselves,
    I have met some really good people some str8 , some gay , bi and have become great friends and even some FWB.. the whole age thing or shallow ,,, then get away from that crowd and find what makes you feel good … It really does make a difference in my life . If it doesn’t feel good for me , then I move on and find what does feel good … Always remember that you are special , and meant to feel good period… And kearn when you don’t feel good then move on
    Crying whining bitxhing about it doesn’t help at any level , only keeps bringing you more of it. Life is meant to enjoy , feel good and be happy … And it’s your mission to see that is !!
    May you all find what you are looking for, but look inside of yourself for it first !!

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