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Fantasy: How To Set Up A Threesome

Take a look at the comments section of the Adam4Adam Blog — or any other sexually-inclined blog, to be honest — and you’ll find that most gay men are pretty open to sexual activities straight people don’t usually go for.

Threesomes, for instance, are something most of our readers seem to be down for. In a previous Adam4Adam blog post titled “Share Your Favorite Group Sex Experience!”, you readers talked about threesomes in local spas and about getting spit-roasted. In a post titled “8 Things To Know About A Threesome”, reader RightNowDave shared that the greatest climaxes he’s had was when he was getting fucked and getting a blow job at the same time.

But what if you’re with someone and you’ve always wanted to have a threesome? How do you go about doing it? An article recently put up on Lifehacker gives a step-by-step on how.

Written by sex therapist Vanessa Marin, the article gives seven steps someone interested in having a threesome should take.

Of course, the first step is letting your partner know that a threesome is something you’ve been considering. Be prepared to explain why you want to have a threesome, as there are plenty of opportunities for this to be misunderstood. Don’t make them feel like the reason you want to do this is because you don’t find them attractive or because you’re looking for somebody else.

Hand in hand with letting your partner know is making sure that this is something that the two of you want to do. Don’t pressure them into making a decision immediately, and be sure that they’re doing this with you because they want it.

Once that’s clear, be sure to discuss what boundaries are in place as well. Aside from how far the two of you are willing to go when it comes to sexual activities, talk about what to do if either one of you becomes jealous or uncomfortable during the threesome itself.

Marin also advises that you and your partner fantasize together before actually engaging in a threesome. She says that the two of you go through potential situations together not just to get each other hot, but also to make sure that both of you are comfortable doing this.

By this point, Marin says its time to search for the third person in the threesome. She recommends using dating apps, and what better one to use than Adam4Adam?

Once the two of you have found the third person in your threesome, be sure to tell him about the boundaries you and your partner have discussed. Do it before the three of you are naked to avoid any awkwardness or misunderstanding.

Marin’s final piece of advice is to take your time and not rush yo or your partner into a threesome. SO many things could go wrong, so it’s best to be very cautious about going through with this.

Do you guys agree with Marin’s tips? Share your thoughts, threesome experiences, and advice for those who want to try out a threesome in the comments below.


There are 27 comments

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  1. Father Hennepin

    As Dr. Drew Pinsky pointed out, in his experience, when a partner wants to start including other people in sex/lovemaking, the relationship is winding down. The fantasy seems to be the idea that threesomes can work. If it is the best sex, then, unless you can maintain that threesome for the rest of your life, how do you find satisfaction with one person? Three’s a crowd. I don’t know if planning one can make it work. In certain situations, it could arise accidentally/naturally, then one might go with the flow. It raises a need for choreography, I would think. It doubles one’s exposure to germs and bacteria, so one does have to be doubly careful about keeping safe, and being healthy, and knowing all your partners.

  2. hardtopftl

    3-somes can be great, but they can also be very tricky…often the third is much more attracted to one partner, and the other may feel left out. It is important to focus on having fun and keeping expectations low. If you are the “odd man out” it is ok to sit and watch, with the occasional pat or stroke. If you are the “man in”, try to include everybody equally. And if it is not working for you, it’s ok to say so and go make a PBJ sandwich. It is important to stay casual and not be too emotionally invested – jealousy and/or hurt feelings are not what a good 3-some are about.

  3. DayShadow

    Or you could just not be a ho, give loyalty fedelity a chance. Same thing these “open relationships”, go on and keep kidding yourself that it’s an “open relationship” when it’s really the other one is going to cheat on you whether you like it or not and you hate yourself to the extent that you’re just going to accept what’s going on instead of finding someone that wants you and ONLY you.

    • Antonio

      Why does someone wanting to have a 3some make them a ho. This shaming of exploring yourself sexually in the gay community is extremely sad and pathetic. If your partner is constantly bringing it up or always asking about it, that’s one thing but if it’s something that will be a one and done event, then go for it, who’s it hurting. If you’re single and decide to only partake in 3somes/group activities, you have that luxury. It doesn’t make a ho to partake and it doesn’t make you a saint if you don’t

      • DayShadow

        If you wanna justify being a ho in whatever way makes you feel comfortable but all means. But I’ll tell you this, generalizing with cute little phrases the way you are is only gonna get you burned. There’re better ways to ‘explore’ ones self other than to stick it where the sun doesn’t sun with multiple people. Not to mention the diseases spread through such behavior and save the safe aspect because if that were affective 95% if the sexually active population wouldn’t have HPV.

        • Rob

          My partner and I have had sex with singles and other couples many times over the years and in many countries that we have lived in. Most of the times it was ‘new friends with benefits’. We are still close friends with many of these people. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t do it. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t knock others who enjoy it. Safe sex always. It’s sex, it’s not love. Although some of the people we do actually love as close friends. By the way, we are together 36 years and we’re a bi-national couple (American & German) both in our 60s now. It’s not for everyone but it is for us from time to time.

  4. SKOPE

    um 1st of all, where is it written that 3somes are limited to partnered couples? ( thats what this article seems to suggest ) 2nd , what would a woman ( VANESSA ) or DR. DREW know about GAY 3somes? ugggh. stick to the script. WE are here on ADAM4ADAM. correct?

  5. Hunter0500

    A major step is missing…one (preferably both) of you should have played with the new guy separately already or you both already know him reasonably well. Regardless of what may have been discussed prior to the meeting, new guys can become different once naked. If playing with the new guy separately is a issue, this is a clue both partners are not 100% onboard with the 3-some. If both of you know the guy well (he’s not a hookup and you both have met him socially several times), playing separately may not be needed. Lastly, everyone needs to ensure each of you are “taken care of” in a caring, balanced way.

  6. Southernboisb

    I’m in the group that if your bf/husband isn’t enough that it requires you to want to bring in a 3rd person, then WHY are you in that relationship? If you want multiple partners, try doing it while everybody is single.

    • Hunter0500

      And there are guys who have a guy they are locked into as their Top Dog but for whom sex isn’t a defining factor in their relationship. For them, sex is secondary, a hobby, an interest like cars, hunting, fishing, trains, etc. Tough for some to understand, but all about the texture of what men are all about. Just as viable as guys who want their Top Dog to be their one and only sex guy.

      • Wesley

        I agree with you, HUNTER0500. Being in a relationship isn’t all about sex. And, if your relationship lasts for years, sex is barely an issue.

  7. Subdicksucker7

    Well I had a 3 some with two black guys couple weeks ago and loved it, never been topped by two blacks at once ,can’t wait to do it again soon I hope I see nothing wrong with that

  8. Okzebra

    This imputing straight monogamy and fidelity into gay sexuality is little more than internalizing the values and morality, actually lack thereof, of the straight community that has stoned, burned, beat, ridiculed, and murdered us for thousands of years, and still do in most societies. Some would here if they could. Monogamy and that morality were byproducts of an era when women were powerless, had no legal rights, and depended on one man in a subsistence economy to survive and raise children. Grow up, deconstruct, and develop.

      • Matt

        The data shows conclusively that gay monogamy is virtually an oxymoron. As for gay fidelity, it is much different that the concept of straight fidelity. Straight fidelity is strictly sexual with perhaps emotional and social fidelity thrown in. Gay fidelity is the opposite with emotional and social fidelity being the expectation with sexual fidelity not significantly valued. Ask ANYONE in the field of psychology who is up on the research and what I’m saying is what they will say.

          • Southernboisb

            Once again, if you need somebody else for whatever reason OTHER than your partner…WHY stay in the relationship that they aren’t enough for you?

  9. CP

    Both should hit the guy up on Adam, when you both get the same interested party responding with like interest, go for him. If one/both are not feeling it, both of you should say, this isn’t working out. Thanks you gotta go.

  10. Rick

    Having my first 3some tomorrow at age 55. One is 45 and Ive seen him semi regularly over the past year. The other is 26 and a friend of the 45yo Ive never met him. As with the 45yo it will be an anon experience with both bottoms being blindfolded. I have very good stamina and have multiple orgasms during sessions. Im assuming thats why I was asked that and the fact I am an Aplus rimmer. Actually a little nervous. Any pointers?

  11. c2itmech

    Not so sure I have the degree behind my name to speak, but here goes. My husband and I have been together going on 22 years. We’ve done many a 3 some and still love each other very much. What I see as I read here is a misconception. Love doesn’t mean sex. Sex doesn’t equal love. In this self entitled society today, most seem to think that if I have had sex with you, then I should own you. And when that doesn’t happen, oh they are just a big ho…. Love doesn’t own. I have found love to be far more. Understanding, acceptance, sacrifice, compromise, communication, open minded and respect. As I have been privileged to see in my life, whether gay or straight relationships, most can give you websters definition of those words, but few know how to live within those meanings. Usually more of a punch line. Sharing, even sex in 3 somes, hasn’t deformed or deminished our love for each other. And it sure isn’t over, blah!! Dr. Pinsky’s experiences must be limited from where I stand. There is no set rules to follow. Only the narrow minded sees it as black and white. The only absolute I have read here, is a cliche: what might be right for you, may not be right for some. What works for us doesn’t mean it should be a standard for all, hence the misconception. Oh and just an FYI, our last 3some was like 3 yrs ago and we married just this past October. Our honeymoon…….didn’t need a 3rd there.

  12. Saps48

    I’m in a relationship, but I do have a fuck buddy on the side and he and I often invite a third to join us. Threesomes work best when all participate, it’s a drag when one guy lays back and expects the other two to do all the work. It also helps if there is a designated bottom, although versatile threesome is pretty good too. Don’t be afraid to move around, try different positions, taste different things…

  13. bjjj

    I am in an open relationship, and have had a couple threesome’s with one of my partners friends. It can be fun, but awkward. In my case though, I already knew the third partner, so everything was ok. Had a fun time.


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