Gay Stuff : 9 Tips For Online Chat


(photo credit : MEN)

After spending many years on online gay hook-up sites, I believe I have finally learned some rules for successfully meeting up with other men. Gay men are a fickle bunch as a whole and in a perfect world probably none of these tips would apply. Although there can be many more added, following are some of the basic rules for making yourself more marketable online and getting those men to want to meet up with you:

1- Be witty and clever when describing yourself and why you are online in the first place. Don’t say you are online because you are “bored”.  No one really likes the idea that they are simply saving you from spending another tedious evening at home and you don’t want him to know the true reasons you’re alone anyway.  Be sure not to describe yourself as “down to earth”.  Instead of how everyone else might understand its definition, the actual meaning in gayspeak apparently is “high-maintenance”.

2-Learn the correct spelling and usage of the word “discreet” (not “discrete”).  The rule of thumb is that anyone that uses the word is cheating on somebody anyway.  Nobody likes an ignorant cheater.  Look the two words up online and show that you’re an educated cheater.

3-Dump the “bi” description…unless at least one of your last five sexual partners was a biological female (particularly if you are a married man), chances are it’s no longer accurate.  Use the beautiful woman/average man test:  Go out in public and wait for a really beautiful woman to pass by…as you watch her walking and if an average-looking man crosses her path going the opposite direction and your gaze automatically switches to him instead, it’s a good bet the “bi” label no longer applies.

4-Be honest. Don’t shave a few years off your age and pounds from your weight, unless you are already under 25 and are not more than 150 pounds.  Anyone under 25 is always the exception to any rule.

5-When it comes to physical appearance, be careful with the use of the word “average” or “swimmers build”.  These days, waist sizes over 40 inches can be “average” and even a whale has a “swimmers build”.  It’s all relative.  Also, having been forced to play Little League as a child by a homophobic father does not make one “athletic”.  Remove any reference to “masculine”. The fact is no one is truly masculine looking with their legs in the air

6- Keep your standards high, regardless of how you look, be sure to only specify that a guy you’ll accept is muscular, smooth, outgoing, young, and of course, attractive. Make it clear that you’ll only accept perfection as far as looks go from the other person. (This is a joke by the way…)

7- Be sure to keep your options open; say you are really looking for a long term relationship but slip in the line “but occasional hookups are ok”.  This allows you to date someone and let them know you are serious.

8- I suggest you to have a face pic in your profile or one in your “private” pictures at least.  Face pics are important for the other guy to imagine what you might look like as you are making passionate expressions just inches above his forehead.  It is recommended the pic be recent and clear. Don’t use old pictures of yourself or one that is either very small or taken from a far away distance.

9-Specify if you are a “top” , “versatile” or “bottom” when it comes to sex and have pictures that reflect that. If you are top and your main picture is your ass, good luck !

So, there you have it. This is just the basics and as time goes on, you’ll probably find your own rules more suited for your own personal tastes.  I know I continue to refine mine and will happily report them as I figure them out. Until then, good luck and happy surfing! Let us know if you have other interesting rules and we can add them….

Make sure to also check out our Safety Tips here!

Now login A4A and have fun !


There are 54 comments

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  1. Kevin Bradley

    I hope guys out there will wake up to reality after reading this. Because they are letting move on a potentially great thing.

  2. Serpenti

    There should be an addendum to #2 for the words masculine and feminine. Every other profile has it spelled wrong. It is an immediate turn-off. If it something that is that important to you, set aside 5sec to open a new tab and Google the correct spelling.

  3. seth

    rule # 10
    use your own pics and nobody else’s!! be creative with your pics. we all know what a dick and ass looks like. ever heard the old saying less is more (dayum that tells you how old I am by saying that, lol). leave a little something something to the imagination. Teasing/sneak peeks are fun and besides as my mother would say “who wants to buy the cow, if she’s giving the milk for free” or in today’s terms ” you can make a husband into a whore, but you can’t make a whore into a husband”… get it..

    rule # 11
    be funny and have some kind of personality. most men in here are as dead as two bottoms trying to screw each other in the personality department. something more that sup, you looking, whats up, can I dick you down, or I wanna ride that dick like theres no tomorrow gets boring after like the 10 e mail saying the same thing. being a little different goes a long way. oh and one last thing. I gotta agree with the writer on this point. no matter what, you are gay. stop trying to pretend you like woman. if you like woman you would not be on here. try eharmony, plentyoffish, or Christian lastly people will always have different opinions their your own, you not always right and they are not always right, learn to respect each other’s ideas and differences.

  4. Agatha's other child

    I don’t know if it qualifies as ‘a rule’ that you’re looking for or maybe more of an alteration needed in profile setup options .. but
    I live in a place that is predominantly black .. like 70%
    I like dark skinned guys and make it clear in my profile but if one is ‘black’ they only have the ‘black’ field to select from and that’s what they have to click on.
    Now , we all know that chocolate comes in many different flavors ranging from ‘high yella’ to ‘dark fudge’ but if you like ’em lighter or darker there’s no separation of the choice for the profile owner.
    I was disappointed, to say the least , when one guy who described himself as black actually showed up to meet me and he was whiter than me. It didn’t help either that he was way too queenly for me . Something else I make quite clear.
    Hope I got my point across.

  5. Cole

    We’re still knocking bisexuality?
    There’s a reason no one takes homosexuality and especially gay men seriously.
    Sexual attraction shouldn’t be binary and it doesn’t matter which gender or sex you have a sexual attraction to.

    We don’t accept each other and therefore will never be accepted.
    So please keep your outdated thoughts, that way it’s harder for the rest of us who actually think to gain equal rights

  6. john henry

    where O where do I begin. and I aint gonna sing the theme from love story. last week I hooked up with a guy from a4a at Walmart around the corner. his profile said mid 40s, athletic, 8c very successful. gurl puleez, he was 60 if not a day, chubby and had a 5 inch dick at the most. now I did give him a bj as I don’t turn down dick even from a pathological liar. btw we have another date next week at target.

  7. Reallybimale

    I don’t mind posting pics but is there a way you could install a program where pics can’t be lifted? I understand that if you email pics they have your pictures as well but I would like the opportunity to post without pics being lifted similar to the program they utilize in manhunt. I’m not saying I am all that where people lift my pics but I have seen a couple profiles using the exact pics who are not the same person and I really don’t want my face picture floating around there. I would like to control who I open them for. Just a thought, thanks for listening.

  8. Ricky

    Great article, just wanted to reiterate that there do seem to be loose interpretations of the various body types. Skinny vs swimmer, large vs muscular… And average – well who’s to say what the “average” body looks like. If the average American is a little chubby, what about the guys at their specified body weight? Best way to avoid this problem is to have pictures. No point in bait-n-switch. Just be upfront.
    Oh and things that DON’T automatically make you hot: DL, bi, str8 acting, masculine, married….

  9. DezuRavioli

    A lot of these seem more like the fuel that lights the fire. Basic assumptions that try to trash someone or discredit them into being someone lesser than being known.

    For example, assuming someone who calls themselves discreet is obviously cheating on someone. That’s BS.

  10. Anon

    Cannot agree more with #5 & #9. I’m not going to say anything about #5 because I don’t want to offend anyone, but come on… let’s be real here.

  11. Mark B

    I guess I need to change mine to this: ” A single bottom BITCH looking for a single top BASTARD.” 😉


  12. joey

    Yes I agree, some of the gay terms become so over used, and when asked, such as one stating they are athletic, and what sort of sports they enjoy playing, and how often do they play any of the sports they might state here, I believe most are thinking typing in gay chat rooms as a sport event, since most of them are here 24/7 pretty much lol I read a lot of profiles here, and some reading they want guys with way opposite states compared to themselves, such as there body size, age, dick size, and so on. So I think guys just use the online experience as a fantasy experience, otherwise, what a let down for the meeting guy to meet with some of the pozers here only to find out there stages and age don’t come close to there own hype. Sorry guy don’t mean to sound like a hater, but this is real life here, not fiction. lol

  13. John...

    Don’t use terms like “witty and clever” unless you’re are looking for fem guys and others who need to contrive and connive in order to make themselves and their lives seem more interesting than they are.

  14. Dick Sparkleboner

    Learn the meaning and spelling of the terms “dominant”, “dominate”, “dominated”, and all the other variations.

    Stupidity isn’t sexy.

  15. skinned

    a couple of other points on pics: if taking pics in a mirror, CLEAN IT OFF! Those dried soap and toothpaste spots are unsightly; learn to use the timer on your phone or camera to keep them out of the pic, if you don’t have a friend handy; make sure the area behind you is tidy, so you don’t look like a slob; don’t use the same pic more than once, it shows lack of imagination. that’s all.

  16. Mark

    Don’t get why “masculine” shouldn’t be used to describe you or what you’re looking for. I’ve met guys who in person are very effeminate and it would be nice to know that in advance.

  17. Tony

    Some of these are good tips but there are a couple that I have a huge problems with or just seem completely irrelevant:

    1. Discreet: This sounds more like a personal pet peeve than an actual problem. I don’t think the spelling of that word is going to change the outcome.

    2. Lose the ”bi” description: Sounds like another bi-phobic statement to me. There are a lot of men that like both sexes but mostly go for just men, and vise versa. That doesn’t mean they don’t like women. Sexuality can be a fluid thing and avoiding the bi label just ignores the reality that people MAY have or be curious about the other side. The number of sex partners, or even if they only go for one sex, does not mean they CAN be attracted to the other sex.

    3. Nobody is truly masculine with their legs up in the air:
    Being the bottom does not necessarily imply femininity. Men enjoy having their prostate stimulated, gender roles don’t really have anything to do with it.

    The ones I really like are:

    1. Specify top, bottom, vers: I have noticed on this site that most of the total tops have pics of their ass and not their dick. Furthermore, they don’t even like their ass played with. This doesn’t make sense.

    2. Physical Appearance Descriptions: I have come to realize on this site that “Average” is synonymous to fat apparently, because most guys that are obviously large call themeselves “average”, or even “muscular” when it’s all just fat.

    3. Pics in general: I don’t understand why people don’t post face pics on here. I understand you’re ”not out” but anyone who sees you on here is just another man that has sex with other men anyway. It’s not like people aren’t already probably talking anyway. Lots of users also like to use pics from like 10 years ago, which is so misleading.


  18. Mikey

    I am kind of taken back by this article.
    The article is showing Biphobia.
    You are not the judge of ones sexuality and for someone to tell you based upon your sexual partners that if you did not have a certain amount a sex with a gender then you identify with that orientation.
    We as a community should support each other and not cause phobia of any sort.

  19. Steve

    I don’t use “discreet” in my A4A for profile but do on other outlets.

    I recognize that it’s generally code for “cheating” but I use it in the context of “I won’t come to your door and scream, ‘READY TO PAR-TAY, GIRLFRIEND?!'” or walk you out wrapped in a towel shouting “MAN, YOU ARE ONE GREAT LAY!”


    (Not that I would ever actually consider those lines but I think for guys who are just coming out or don’t want the neighbors/roomies knowing their business, it’s the sort of thing they’re afraid of.)

  20. einathens

    If you tell the truth you don’t have to worry about getting caught in a misrepresentation.

    That said, it’s fair to use adjectives that have some elasticity. Examples: beefy, solid, working on it, grown man, big….

    Something about you will turn on someone out there. So says me, the short, beefy, sarcastic, opinionated, 48yo who is always getting hit on by guys half his age.

    But i’ll take one 40yo over two 20s any day. And I believe my profile says so

  21. The_Inspector_069

    What really captured my interest about this article is number nine. It bothers the hell out of me when I encounter someone that claims to be a Top, and yet has their legs up in the air faster than mine, not to mention it places me in an awkward position. There are quite a few bottoms that insist on displaying a dick shot. I guess they must have an ugly ass, who knows. I like when I am told, does it really matter? My answer, most definitely. I like Top(s) that are assertive, and yes the forbidden word, “Masculine”. These attributes do exist, just not on here, and definitely not in the Southwestern, IL region.

    So to my fellow bottoms, look elsewhere. 🙂

  22. Dean

    Personally i like to think i have little problem following the 9. With all my experiences though, black men are the worst about #’s 2 and 8, only showing pictures of their dick or ass, or saying they’re on the DL or need to be discreet, instead of being honest and upfront. One black guy told me he was into making out and the foreplay leading to sex, but when we hooked up he practically dropped trou immediately and told me to suck his dick or he would leave….i told him to GTFO and called him on his bullshit…

  23. Randy

    I agree with most of the tips. Especially the big tag. I happen to be married to acfale but I am 100% gay. I was a late bloomer but the first time I was with a man I knew that my earlier desires were true and real. I also think responding to a message on a site is the right thing to do. Even if there is no obvious connection, a simple no thanks is the polite thing to do.

  24. brian

    Id have to first politely disagree with the blogger on the face pic thing. Unless your marketing your youtube channel,on facebook,twitter,vine,etc..those kind of social media,I would NEVER post or have a face pic online on any site like A4A,Manhunt..or any gay site that promotes sex,cuz whether you think you’re only looking for friends,most others just want sex,and half the guys who CLAIM to only want friends,ask me for random sex..all most want to know who is online,get you to unlock your face pic,and talk about you behind your back at the local gay bar..I stopped posting face pix a LONG time ago..prob back in 2000 ,just because I didn’t want the locals in my biz,so when I went out the local gay club,the guys didn’t know I was on the internet lookin for BE AWARE..and also alwas assume that prob 75% of men on gay sites have older pix and false stats..its ridiculous how many men are fake online,and then when you meet them,they get pissy cuz you rejected them..HELLO! Also…NO CAPS,or EXCLAMATION pts,or angry rants online,I don’t care how bad your experiences have been,NO ONE wants to read a bitter profile..MAJOR turnoff

  25. Rob

    dis·crete (not discreet)
    adjective: discrete

    individually separate and distinct.
    “speech sounds are produced as a continuous sound signal rather than discrete units”
    synonyms: separate, distinct, individual, detached, unattached, disconnected, discontinuous, disjunct, disjoined More

  26. jriley154

    All good advice, #9 is a personal pet peeve. Being a bottom, there’s nothing more frustrating than a pic of a gorgeous looking cock as the main pic of a fellow bottom. Total want but can’t have!!!

  27. Chip

    A few of my own pet-peeves about online profiles:
    – The text of the ad says they want a relationship & they are not into hookups; but the pics in the same ad are solely made up of “anatomy shots” of their cock and/or asshole
    – The ad says they are straight (or a favorite: “mostly straight”) — and the account number shows the profile is at least 2 or 3 years old
    – Pics that are seemingly older than some actual users & online age settings that haven’t moved in the past 4 years (or moved backwards!)
    – Profiles of guys who are CLEARLY lying about their age & say they only want to hook up with dudes “close to my age” (maybe they mean MENTAL or EMOTIONAL age??)
    – Guys who are “looking for right now” but then reveal that they cannot host, have no transportation, have their location set to 50 miles from where they actually are, and/or want “gas money”
    – Ads with no pics demanding that anyone replying “must have a face pic”
    – Lines similar to “if I don’t respond, I’m not interested” — which could be re-written “I am not only a self-centered egotist, I’m also lazy and don’t care if I disrespect you — so long as you don’t disrespect me!” (I guess I should be thankful for the shorthand!)

  28. Brandon

    Yes, yes, yes!

    let’s just cut through the bullshit and call a spade a spade.

    as for the commenters making claims of Biphobia:

    true bisexuals do exist, nobody is doubting that. But they don’t exist in the numbers that one would assume from looking at self-identifiers online. Far too many guys like to claim they are bi because of one sexual experience they had one time, most likely years prior…just like some identify as “jocks” because they wear a jockstrap to the gym.

    the author used a very fair guideline: the rule of 5.

    the issue here is not biphobia, it’s internalized homophobia. So many men cling to their one hetero experience with a death grip, as if identifying as bi makes sucking dick less queer. So they can tell themselves, “well at least I’m not TOTALLY gay.”

    queen, please. You gay. Super gay. Libberace fisting George Micheal on a unicorn made of crystal meth could not be gayer.

    make peace with the fact that Jack Wrangler is dead. “Butch” is an act people put on to make straight people more comfortable.

    in the spirit of cutting through the bullshit, maybe it should start with ourselves. If someone who identifies as Bi (but lacks the resume to back it up) is offended when comments like this cone up, maybe it stings because it hit a nerve of truth.

  29. TK

    To the guy who mentioned software preventing ripping of pics no matter how many road blocks you put, remember that any schmuck can screen capture their screen and crop a photo there is no protection, once it’s on the web that’s it you have no control.

  30. Brandon

    While we’re on the subject of the rule of five, let’s talk about the word “versatile.”

    if you haven’t topped one out of your last five partners, chances are you’re a bottom.

    and topping one time many moons ago does not negate all of the bottoming you’ve done since.

  31. Take a wild guess

    I love this article.

    1. What I’d love to see is for guys to not be so offended by the article addressing the “bi” issue. Take it for what is says. If it doesn’t apply to you (which is highly unlikely) then ignore it and move it but be real and accept it. You’re on A4A for a reason: other MEN.

    2. One thing the article didn’t address is responding to messaging. Guys, there’s no law against ignoring a message. Get off of your high horses. Maybe the other party is busy and logged off, or already booked his hook-up and already logged off, or just plain not interested. Get over it. There are 1500 other guys in your city who are waiting to hook up and pass an STD onto you. Take your pick.

    3. If guys actually READ the profiles to begin with, there’d be a lot less disappointment. I get more messages from bottoms than from tops. Ironically, the sexual position on my profile says “bottom”. *sighs*

    4. Using a compliment like “you’re sexy” to “slide” into a “So, how are you”/”what are you up to”? dead-end conversation is just as lame as going straight into the “So can I come dick you down” statements someone brought attention to earlier (smart call, whomever said that. :-p)

    5. Basically, guys, just have fun with the site. Be honest, be yourselves, post pics of the REAL you, post stats of the REAL you, post your REAL sexual position and you’ll get your desired results. Now let’s get those hookups. LMBO!

  32. J_A_M_E_S

    After reading the comments, I realize many are clearly uneducated on the difference between gender role and sexual role. If a guy is infatuated with his own ass, that does not mean he’s feminine or a bottom. If a guy is infatuated with his dick, that does not = he’s masculine or top. Furthermore, there is a role titled “versatile”. Sexual roles do not tell you a person’s gender role and vice vers. For the record, I’ve come to understand that many football type guys over 6′ prefer to bottom. Also, physical size =/= sexual OR gender role.

    No one is ever complete masculine or feminine; thise are two labels that are very dated and difficult to place on someone accurately.

    There are gay stereotypes, however: the gay male with a lisp, who recognizes himself as a her, and who is generally very flamboyant. The other is the gay guy with the forced base in voice, who claims to be DL and overcompensates with an outrageously jocky/macho illusion. Qualities of either can repel one away.

    I’m obsessed with the shape of my butt so I enjoy sharing teases of my cheeks (in undies, of course). That does not = my preferred sexual role (I’m completely versatile but stick to jacking off & foreplay since I’m unattached).
    I also realize that bottom guys younger than 25 will FLOOD yoir inbox if you’ve a great butt. I’ve met more guys who prefer to bottom as a result (which is fine; just mentioned to neuter the idea that bottoms onky wanna see dick and tops only wanna see ass).

    Great list, my recommendations:
    – don’t lie about age
    – don’t bother to message someone without a clear, deciphered & recent photo
    – most guys don’t want the obese guy; can be unfortunate but it’s true. Don’t send a guy 100 more messages after he ignores your 1st.
    -READ HIS PROFILE; you wont get much but you’ll get an idea.
    – don’t ever morph into a bitter lemon. We all have dealt with rejection in some way; keep your head up and move on. Don’t mudsling at someone you know nothing about because he said “not interested.”


  33. Cole

    I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this one.
    The articles states ” Go out in public and wait for a really beautiful woman to pass by…as you watch her walking and if an average-looking man crosses her path going the opposite direction and your gaze automatically switches to him instead , it’s a good bet the “bi” label no longer applies.”
    If it was switched to a good looking man and average woman and my gaze went to the women and I claimed to be 100% straight it would sound ridiculous.
    Stop preaching this idea of attraction binary.
    That’s not how it works.
    If I slept with a woman 200 years ago and I sleep with a guy every day after, I’m still allowed to like both sexes.

    Just because it isn’t the majority doesn’t mean it’s illegitimate.

    I know what you’re trying to say I regards to men especially holding into one female experience but for someone to write and say that you can’t be bisexual because their sexual interactions don’t math up to 50/50 is ridiculous. It’s also that kind of thinking that is gonna put the community behind.

  34. Brandon


    reread. Everything. Nobody here is negating that bisexuality exists. We all know guys lie online…about age, fitness, dick size, role and even, yes, sexuality.

    reread this twice before you respond please:
    If a man self-identifies as bisexual, but has not had any opposite sex partners in recent history, I am sorry to inform you that most people will not consider them to be actively bisexual. Latently, sure. But guys don’t come on this site to hear about past conquests, they come on here for Now. The perception from the outside welcomes skepticism BECAUSE so many men who have internalized homophobia mis-identify in an effort to appear less gay.

    if one’s self-image hinges on the perception of others, they have bigger problems than which gender they are currently hard for. This goes for genuine bisexuals as well: if my skepticism over your sexual practices is so offensive to you that it hurts your feelings, maybe you should question why what I think matters…after all, we aren’t fucking, so why does it effect you? The people you SHOULD be mad at are men that intentionally misidentify out of their own sense of shame and guilt about being gay. Without them in the picture, I would have no grounds for skepticism. And with so many dishonest guys out there, why shouldn’t I be a skeptic?

    in the spirit of cutting through the bullshit, I agree that activity and orientation are not inexorably linked (gay for pay, anyone?) but the difficulty is in the fact that orientation is an internal trait, one that no other person can 100% be certain of except for the person to which it applies. So, you can tell me that even though you swim through an ocean of dick, you still find women attractive…but actions speak louder than words. If your actions don’t match what you’re telling people, expect bullshit. Sorry bout it.

  35. Brandon

    *with internal traits like sexuality, the only way people can gauge your self-reporting accuracy is based on external displays of evidence. If the evidence does not support the hypothesis…do you get the picture?

    if you’re bi, yay, great. Just remember that there are guys out there that claim that label out of self-loathing. As shitty as it is, there is no way for us to tell at a glance who is and is not full of shit, so get ready to take some flak because of insecure shame-filled queers.

    in the words of our lady of perpetual controversy, RuPaul: “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

  36. brandon

    If it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck and walks like a duck but insists it’s a chicken, everybody’s going to assume it’s just a delusional duck.

  37. joe

    My experience of much of the gay community leads me to believe that this might actually get you more responses, however the quality of those responses would leave much to be desired. I mean this is just the sort of biphobic, shallow, perfectionist (as expected of others, though not necessarily of the self), and narcissistic (yet somehow trashy) attitude that has become so shockingly prevalent in the community.

    To think Stonewall has led to this…

    If I have to become a bitchy douchebag in order to attract a man, I’ll just stay single. My hand does a better job most of the time anyways, and I don’t have to worry about becoming infected.

  38. Andrew

    Actually, it appears to me that bisexuality is not quite as minority as some think it is. It is actually a known fact that the majority of the human race is bisexual to some degree. If you are a straight man, and you have admired the looks or build of another man, then that sort of moves you towards the bisexual line, and so many men have done that, just not willing to admit it, because we have made a society where we believe that everyone had to act a certain way, straight men do this, and gay men do that.Straight men are often frightened of complementing other men, due to the fear of being labelled as gay, and becoming an outcast, even thought he may not be sexually attracted to man. Also, let’s think about this for a second, going on that one has to be either straight or gay is somewhat trashing on bisexual people, and yet the same gay people get angry when people put them down in the exact same way. It is sad to see that gay people have stooped to such a low, that we have to start causing trouble for others, instead of being caring and understanding, because, after all, that is what we want, isn’t it, understanding and acceptance. How can we possible be expected to be understood, accepted and eve taken seriously, if we are just doing the same thing to bisexual people as what straight people do to us.

  39. Brandon

    Let’s clear something up right now, shall we?

    this whole “attraction binary” line irks me for one important reason. The Latin prefix “bi” means “two” or “dual.” so yes, the term “bisexual”, simply from the standpoint of semantics implies a binary of sexual attraction. If you find yourself in one if the gray areas or you are “attracted to the person, not the gender/identity/expression”, then think about identifying as pansexual to avoid any confusion.

    secondly, there is a difference between latent bisexuality and active bisexuality. Sure, many people that identify as strictly straight or gay may actually have some latently bisexual desires or attraction, but not enough to act on or alter their desire for self-identification.

    the problem that arises is this: We label ourselves by what we sense internally. Others label us by our external expression. How do we resolve conflict when our self-image conflicts with how others view us? Here are your options:
    1.) you can decide to let the perceptions of others dictate your self confidence.
    2.) you can make yourself a victim. (cry “biphobia!!”)
    3.) recognize that you cannot please all of the people all of the time, accept the opinions of others as just opinions that do not change your internal workings
    4.) disengage from all potential conflict with your self perception, move to Greenland and become a hermit that lives on cave salamanders and cynicism.

    and many of you have been ignoring my main argument here: this was never an argument against bisexuality per se, but against homosexual men who misidentify out of shame over their true orientation. Sure, they may have latent bisexual tendencies, but not enough to be truly bisexual. Get off of your high horses people, we’re all marching in the same parade…we’re just tired of seeing posers on your float.

  40. Robert

    Remove ‘undetectable’ as an HIV status option. It’s very misleading, and I believe intentionally so in many cases. I think it is often used to make sex with an HIV positive person seem less risky than it actually is. Fact is they’re still positive and even though their viral load is ‘undetectable’ theyre still quite capable of passing HIV on to others which is what most people want to know when selecting potential sex partners.

  41. joe

    Brandon, you cannot do an accurate etymology of a word by just relying ont the prefix. Believe it or not, the rest of the word alters the implication of the prefix drastically.

    Binary comes from the latin “binarius” meaning “two” or “a pair”. Bisexual attaches the prefix “bi-” meaning “two” to the word sexual and implies attraction to both male and female sexes. Pansexual may or may not work. For example, in my case pansexual will not work because I am either attracted to a man or a woman, but not an individual displaying characteristics of both (or neither) sexes, as a pansexual would (pan- “all” + sexual).

    The assumption you are tacitly making is that displayed sexuality is the truest one, but what is identity but a personal matter. It’s like you are saying that you know better about someone else’s process than they themselves do, which is sanctimonious and arrogant. And then you have the nerve to tell us to get off OUR high horses.

    Do you think that it isn’t possible to be attracted to a person of a certain sex and not act on it, for whatever reason? Identity is a personal matter, not one that can be decided by the condescension of others on either side of the so-called fence. How about the bisexual who is in a committed exclusive relationship with a person of either sex? Does he suddenly become straight if he is with a woman or gay if with a man, even if he is attracted to others of the opposite sex of his partner though does not act on it? Maybe his love for his partner outweighs his animal lust. But no matter what you think he is, he is what he says he is and it isn’t up to you to determine his identity.

    Secondly, whatever happened to just listening to people and taking them on their own terms? You want us to accept the opinions of others without criticism (meaning you don’t like to be challenged), but then are not willing to accept the internal definitions people have for themselves. Hypocritical, much? Regardless of whether you think they are misguided, people are what they are. If they have to go through a stage of calling themselves bisexual before identifying exclusively gay, well guess what: it is their process, not yours. If you don’t like it, don’t hang around them. It’s not your responsibility.

    You can also disengage from all potential conflict with your self perception by not posting on an open forum. Guess what? People don’t have to agree with you. Especially if you are wrong.

  42. Brandon

    Presume much?

    first off, let me reiterate. Again. I am not negating the existence or validity of bisexuality.

    my argument from the very beginning has been about gay men that misidentify out if shame. If you’re an honest to heavens bisexual, chill out because it has nothing to do with you. All I have ever said here is that one fleeting encounter or one stray thought does not a bisexual make. If you find yourself attracted to both sexes, congratulations, here’s a damned cookie. But within the gay community, there are innumerable pseudo-bisexuals that lie about who they are for whatever reason.

    and since we are not a race of mind readers, there is no absolute way to know for certain whether or not someone else is full of shit. So we go by what they show us. I’m not saying nail a chick to prove yourself, but maybe don’t surround yourself on all sides with dick and laugh at jokes about how odd vaginas are.

    and excuse the hell out of mw for seeing a sexual minority being exploited and speaking up. If it doesn’t concern me, I should just piss off, is that it? So, Guru, if I hear someone making a racial slur, should I just sit by and sat nothing? I mean, I am white so it doesn’t really concern me.

    the way I figure it, gays who abuse the bi label are hurting y’all more than me, so why do I speak up? Because lying about something like that is wrong and hurtful to others.

    by the way, darling, I’m not the one that brought up the whole “attraction binary” deal. That would be cole. And what you said kind’ve supported what I initially stated, that bisexuality is the attraction to both genders, not hybrid or other.

    and how sanctimonious is it of you to grand Marshall who is right and wrong? This entire thread is opinion, your addition included. There are no absolute rights and wrongs here,just individual ideas crafted by perception and experience.

    I have never stated that monogamy negates bisexuality. I have no idea where you got that from, but let’s put that psychotic baby to bed right now. Of course a bisexual maintains their orientation regardless of whether or not they have a steady sex partner. The guideline given that I thought was a rather fair assessment was the rule of 5: if your last 5, not one but *5* partners have all been of the same gender, you may want to do some re-evaluating if you expect to be taken seriously. 5 partners is not a length of time, but a measure of quantity. It could be over a decade, or two weeks.

    and as a final thought, maybe this thread is why the bi community has a hard time. Everyone that has responded to anything I’ve said has been too busy thinking of ways to invalidate and disagree to even give a moments thought to the possibility that I may just be explaining why shit unfolds the way it does.

    nah, why give a shit about what other people think? I mean, it’s not like there are 7 billion other people that all must interdepend on one another for survival or anything.

  43. Brandon

    I’m gonna make this real simple:

    yes, bi guys exist and can be attracted to both sexes simultaneously. I never meant to imply a dispute over that.

    but if a guy only has sex with other men and insists he’s bi, chances are good that others will think he’s full of shit. Sorry, but thems the breaks

  44. Jim

    Yes! on spelling re #2 (although it doesn’t necessarily imply one is married and/or cheating). However, it is a hoot when someone’s wording is so ambiguous that both “discreet” and “discrete” would work in the sentence, as it usually produces a ROLFLMAO moment with the meaning the sentence actually is saying when the person most probably meant the other word…but not necessarily!! Learn to spell, guys!! English has a LOT of homonyms that can make you appear ignorant when you misuse them.

  45. Rex Ganymede, esq.

    brandon, i hear ya; i hear ya, and i agree with ya.

    folks: reading is fundamental.
    brandon made it as simple as possible, through the metaphors he was using.
    i shall do the same: if you walk into a guy’s abode,—which has thousands of old newspapers, rusted dog food cans, and Clouds of Dust, falling all upon you first thing you walk in the door (barely),—wouldn’t the first thought in your head be, ‘in what universe is he considering himself a “Neat Freak”‘?

    while we’re on the subject of the definition of ‘binary,’ let’s get into the difference between “perception of self,” “others’ perception of you,” and “the Actual Truth.”
    all three of these can be radically different, depending on the circumstances … but for the sake of this argument (and for simplicity), let’s momentarily eliminate the element of ‘actual truth.’

    actually.. ..why do i have to do that?
    brandon pretty much said everything that needed to be said here.
    i have no need to re-hash his points and arguments.

    if whatever he said does not apply to you, then don’t freaking worry about it; indeed, do not get mad at brandon.
    (all he has been doing is identifying the symptoms of The Sickness.) rather, you truly do need to get mad at the people who continuously (and intentionally) mis-represent and mis-label themselves. … while you’re at it: you need to, instead, be mad with the actual Homophobes who make it hard for not-heterosexuals to feel free to explore their sexuality in peace, to begin with.

    i am sure brandon does not give a rat’s ass about those guys who might even only fuck (or be fucked) by just one chick, for every 6,000 other dudes he rolls with — i am sure he’s reasonable enough to allow such persons to deem themselves “bi-sexual.”
    but, on the same token.. ..he would also want such individuals (and those who’d “defend” them) to understand, there really is an “expectation” and ‘implication’ that goes along with the terms we use.
    no one else is going to magically know (nor assume) that, while one may be “bi-sexual,’ the RATIO of his conquests isn’t quite ‘binary.’
    but a few simple extra words could fix that: “i truly do like women as much as i like men: no compromises.” “i am mostly attracted to women, but i do likes The Dick every now and then.”
    “once every two months or so, i want to get fucked in my ass deep, while i’m eating out a chick’s snatch. (and yes, i truly can concentrate on doing both without putting any of the three of us at risk for injury. :-D.)”
    what is some peoples’ problem with doing That?
    or, better yet.. ..why even label yourself “bisexual” anyway?? putting down something as simple as “i am also attracted to women, just so you know” should be a sufficiently-accurate substitute that can avoid confusion!

    (if i left anything out, tell me about it later — i have to skidaddle for now!)

  46. Slugger

    Brandon – you are speaking truth ! I’m a Homo and love being a Homo . Sucking Cock validates my Male identity . Many men that claim to be bisexual do so because they feel lees then a man if they don’t like women . Not all but many .

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