Health : HIV Status Online

Marketing is generally the driving force in all sales efforts; that includes the sale of one’s self.

Hooking-up online has it’s advantages: advantages that can get you laid quickly and matched with just the right guy. One of the advantages found in profiles are that they can tell you what a guy is into, where he is, what he looks like, and when he is available. Profiles are the online marketing tools of those seeking sex. When accurate and honest, a well written profile can reduce the talk required before meeting a sexual match to a couple of emails and help to ensure you have a great time with the right guy. When a profile is completed with detailed information, the information posted can effectively weed out those you are not interested in meeting, and invite those you want to meet. Profiles are great marketing tools!

When members join Adam4Adam seeking a sex partner, what goes in your profile—your marketing tool—will ultimately help to determine what happens sexually between you and other members of the site.

Profiles on Adam4Adam, as on most sex seeking sites, have the option to disclose your HIV status (blank, negative, positive, don’t know). The primary reason this field exists is to provide the option to include your HIV status, if known, under the belief that having this information is important to the health of other members and will help you find a sexual match.

The fields are clear, yet assumptions regarding any one’s status other than “positive” must  be avoided. A status of negative is only as accurate as the testing method, frequency of testing, and sexual behaviors since being tested (and about 3 months before) of the person claiming to be negative.

Having HIV status in profiles is not always welcomed by all members. As I see it, there are two sides to this debate: those that believe that the field lends an unjust creditability to someone stating they are HIV-negative and those that believe that having the field is a form of risk reduction.

I believe that having an HIV status field is important. I also understand that men lie. There are most likely men that believe when someone states they are HIV-negative, that it absolutely means they are HIV-negative. In fact, there are too many variables for many sexually active men to state with no doubt that they are in fact negative and be 100% sure and accurate.

Consider this: if someone lies about their HIV status online, would they not also lie in person?

Further consider which is a more misleading statement of ‘safety’ a field on a profile or a face to face statement? What would you give more creditability, a face to face statement that “I am negative”, or a field in a profile that says negative? I would personally be more apt to believe someone who told me face to face that they are negative over what I read in a profile. HIV status, field or not, is a conversation.

One of the key issues, in my viewpoint, is not the HIV status field,  but it is understanding what a statement like HIV-negative really means, especially in our “buyer beware” world of sales and marketing.

How one discloses their status is a personal choice, but disclosing your HIV status honestly is a responsibility we all share, regardless of what we know our status to be, or what we assume it to be.


There are 87 comments

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  1. Rich

    Dave, I agree it is up to ALL users of Adam4Adam to disclose their status as they know it. Helpful if spelled out as to last test date too. I know when I see a profile WITHOUT the optional information I ASSUME the guy is hiding something.
    So PLEASE have the courtesy to disclose your status as best of you knowledge and be honest in you descriptions.

  2. Jason

    All the points you brought up are very good. But only one is true. You must treat everyone as POZ (at least for the first 10 hook ups).
    As long as the sex educators and Dr’s teach that if you meet a person that is POZ, RUN – DO NOT LOOK BACK – TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW – DEATH WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN WITHIN 2 YEARS IF YOU EVEN TALK FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. And you wonder why or how a person could lie about something so important as this. These men are still horny and still looking for that LTR. So always play safe, and take the chance, talk to a man about having safe sex before you get naked.

  3. Bob

    I try to list what I am looking for. I feel it is important to do so. I also list my list aids test. I get tested once every three months. I will get another one this week.


  4. GG

    Hi Dave,

    I don’t agree with you. “If someone lies online, would they not also lie to you in person?” NO. By stating that you are HIV + in your profile, it becomes public knowledge to anyone who looks at a profile, not just the intimate partners that an HIV + person chooses to connect with, but everyone! In terms of safety, HIV is almost always transmitted by someone who doesn’t know that they are HIV+. When someone knows that he is +, he can get treatment and the chances of transmitting HIV from someone who is undetectable is zero or next to zero. Further, because the common assumption is that someone is positive when he doesn’t include his status in his profile, you really only give poz men the choice of lying or being 100% public about their status. Status disclosure in profiles does nothing to improve risk and may actually increase risk by giving a false sense of security. It also further stigamtizes HIV.

  5. Ray

    Always assume the guy(s) are lying when they tell you they are neg. Your safety and health are to important to fling away on a…fling. If a guy says he is pos, good, you at the least know he is honest and can then decide whether to pursue or not.

  6. Chris

    If you are positive and say otherwise to a sexual partner you can be sued for damages should you pass the virus to them.

  7. Shakerrump

    Love the article looking forward to the responses. I will say this i am 125% sure i am negative as ive only had two e experiences which only consisted of two deepthroats with a condom on. I believe and trust in myself it’s other people im weary of. I think thats why i havent had many experiences.

  8. Enzo

    My take on online status info has always been to leave it blank because it doesn’t matter. In other words, are you going to do something with someone who claims to be negative that you wouldn’t do with someone who tells you they’re positive? If so, I think you’re a fool. Even if we politely assume no one is lying about their status, there is a probability someone may be positive and not even know it.

    I suggest everyone chooses a level of informed safety they are comfortable with and sticks to it with every individual they play with, regardless of what some stranger tells them either online or in person.


  9. einathens

    Serostatus should only be an issue if you’re looking for unprotected sex. Even then, the question is vague. What if you don’t have HIV but you do have herpes? There’s no ‘neg plus’ option.

    Once again, my posting about the previous topic being a commercial never saw the light of day.

    I believe that you must truthfully answer any serostatus or STD question asked in advance by a potential sex partner, but if they don’t ask you don’t have to tell.

    If you’re a barebacker, you should presume that everyone agreeing to go raw with you is either (knowingly or un-) positive or will be, that men who tell you ‘I only go raw with other neg guys’ are idiots, that serostatus can change and men lie.
    You have to keep up with what’s going on in your body. Get tested for everything 3-4 times a year.

    If you’re not a rawdog, it doesn’t matter as much but you should get tested every 6 months anyway. It’s the only way to really know for sure.

  10. Robert

    I have noticed alot of men put HIV- But they say anything goes and bearbacking onlt. So how do they know they are neg. Also see alot of men that are pos into bearback only.
    More and more men in their 20s are positive. Is this a new fad or they get infected on purpose. I think they believe if they are infected then a load is off their mind and they get free medical and a check. I don’t think it’s worth it. I remember when there were web sights for the bug chasers. How can anyone want to be or make another person positive? There is so much to live.

  11. Happihour

    I’ve been pos for over 30 years! I know where I got it and I’ve not shared it but continue to have awesome relationships men neg & pos. Albeit im a very lucky survivor to be healthy, undetectable for many years, I never take it for granted. Being open about my status will someday help remove the stigma that still exists regarding contact.

  12. Joe

    Being POZ is not the death sentence that is once was. There is a fate worse than death however and that is the stigma associated with being poz. I agree, however, that many make the assumption that they are neg when they do not know. IT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO NOTE: The risk of transmission of the disease is highest at the earliest stages of infection before it would even show up on a test during what is known as seroconversion. Anyone willing to have sex with strangers the first time they meet is taking many risks no matter how the status is listed.

  13. Rashad

    Great read! I’m thankful that someone took the time time too carefully voice there concern. Being Poz for 5 years has been a journey thus far. However, I must say that ive had some really positive relationships with guys that are poz as well as negative. Word too the wise, treat all men as if they are HIV Positive. . Strap up, learn how too protect yourself. Too those that are positive, thesame should apply too you as well . No one want too risk themselves, and end up with a different strain of the virus.

  14. Bill

    guys, so real! We, above all others are responsible for our actions, there are ways to play if infected, but without honesty there is nothing left except the breeders who will produce another of us. We need to be honest, safe, and look after ourselves, then of course, you hit my age, plus and noone is interested, but I still enjoy all if given the opportunity

  15. CoxZuchre

    I concur with the poster who considers everyone to be HIV+. It is an assumption I make automatically to only practice safe sex limiting any potential exposure for everyone involved. Your health remains your own responsibility and short of quick testing each and every partner (a quick buzzkill) your best method to insure safety for all. Nothing short of abstinence is 100% effective but this method places everyone in the safest possible place.

    Disclosing status as positive insures discrimination and while admirable, remains the decision of each individual. This could clearly lead to employment discrimination as well as discrimination in other areas OTHER than sexual partners choosing to NOT pick an HIV+ partner. Protect yourself and your partners and never have unprotected sex. If you are heading toward a relationship and want to move toward monogamy, then perhaps the discussion is valid but you must have great trust to determine to make love without protection.

  16. Gay Tony

    I’ve recently gotten a diagnosis of being poz, and thanks to modern medicine, reached undetectable status in record time.

    I’m not a liar by nature, so I put my HIV+ status right in my profile. However, I live in a medium-sized city with a small town mindset. Putting my truthful status meant making me undateable or even unfuckable.

    What’s especially sick is that guys who I know are poz (whether it’s in their profile or not) in my area prefer to only hookup with neg guys, because they feel that they’re entitled to. They view other poz guys as not good enough for them, while neg guys are some kind of trophy. To have a neg boyfriend as a poz guy is seen as a status symbol in my stupid area.

    When I travel to large cities, I’ve done much better. Guys are not close-minded or afraid of poz/undetectable guys, even neg guys. And the poz guys aren’t closeted about their status. But then I come home and it’s back to chastity.

    It’s enough to want to move. But my family lives here. So I have a choice of staying near my loving family (parents, sibling) and being unhappy, or moving away to find happiness but leaving my family behind.

  17. Legion

    In my personal opinion, as a positive man seeing that another is positive makes it easier. On the other hand I have run across a few dozen that state they are Negative, when in fact they positive. Leads me to think what else are they lying about.

    Still there are others that are treating those of us that have it like crap, (not withstanding the superficiality of body types) and wont even say so much as hi!.

    Honestly it is a double edge sword one can say yes it is a something people should know in a profile (and saves time) but it also can put you into a corner.

    I personally would love to see a4a do section of this website for HIV positive men.

  18. Steve

    Stuck in the 90’s… Neg or Poz is irrelevant. What people really care about is infectious or non infectious. Too any folks guided by fear say one thing and then do another in the heat of the moment. Our team keeps growing by 50,000 new members a year! Forward transmission is rarely from someone who knows they r POZ and never from someone who is undetectable.

  19. Jodie

    I’m poz, and I do not share my status online. Too many messy people! Besides, it’s no one’s damned business unless he is planning to fuck me. I’m ALWAYS honest about my status if/when I hook up, but not until then. Consenting, mature adults should be responsible anyway. For those who don’t mind publicly posting their status, then I say “Bravo!”, and I commend that level of transparency. But let the rest of us maintain our privacy (and responsibility) without the judgments!

  20. Shakerrump

    I also wanted to add i don’t want to be judgemental but when i see Anything goes and Barebacking a red light goes off in my head and my guards come up. As my profile says: Anything goes doesnt go with me.

  21. darryl

    You all are on point about full disclosure when it comes to HIV. In my opinion, it’s better to know up front, then you can decide what to do next. The stigma is still out there, but in 2014 we must use our heads, as well as our hearts. We have fought hard to get where are, and the fight isn’t over. There is no room for discrimination, so let’s not add another separated class of people, we have enough already.

  22. Ken

    GG is absolutely right. If I’m gonna hook up with someone, they’ll know my status. Otherwise it’s none of their business. If you practice safe sex every time, then your hiv status doesn’t matter. If you aren’t safe and you end up poz you only have yourself to blame. Your health is YOUR responsibility. Why would you leave it up to some anonymous trick you met an hour ago?

  23. Michael

    I know someone personally who lies about his status online. Instead of merely not listing positive or nothing at all, he lists that he is HIV negative. I also know that he was and probably still is very promiscuous and does not tell his partners about it. I don’t necessarily agree that people should HAVE to disclose their status online, but choosing to willfully lie to your partners because and withhold from them the right to make an informed decision about their own health is beyond wrong.

  24. CK

    To Gs999 – yes it is possible. I have been + for 5 years and my viral load counts keep going down. I am not on meds and the doctor and I have discussed that going on meds will be costly and long term use of medication may have other side effects on the body.

    I personally wish that indicating your status would be removed from sites. Being + has a horrible stigma. Many members use that as a way to stereotype or discriminate against. And even worse are the guys that say clean only. Being + does not make you dirty. I have never used drugs or been a cum bucket, I shower daily, I am not dirty. I contracted it from what I thought was a committed relationship. Everyone should have a dialog with their partner. If you can state your sexual preferences, but you can’t disclose your status? Stupid. And the one that goes along without asking is just as stupid. Most times in person you can tell by body language if a person is lying or telling the truth. Online you miss out on that and do you believe everything you read?

  25. Em Kay

    I have an Auto-Immune disorder that is currently well managed and requires me to take drugs to suppress an over-active immune system.

    Were I to ever get HIV, I have been told by my physician that it would complicate my life immensely and I would probably either get AIDS rapidly or have to get extremely use to the insides of doctor’s offices and emergency rooms. And, he was putting it very nicely.

    So, for me, knowing the HIV status of a potential hook-up is essential. It’s something that I look for immediately in a profile. If it is not listed, that’s all but an admission to being HIV Positive, in my view.

    You might think I am being “cold” or “discriminating” but it’s my health I have to safeguard and, at the end of the day, I am the only one who can protect my own health when it comes to being sexually active.

  26. PozOne

    Out of curiosity, I took a HIV test over the weekend. I kinda wanted to watch the tester squirm as he gives me the bad news. But to my surprise, the test came back non-reactive! They basically told me I’m neg when I knew for a fact I was poz. How often does this happen? Should we be concerned?

    I’m generally pretty open with my status, but I don’t feel its my job to prevent anyone from getting it. If you don’t want to catch HIV, do not have raw sex with anyone at all. Don’t trust what anyone says. Every poz guy I know (including myself) got it from someone who they thought was neg. Many guys on Adam put neg when they first created the profile years prior. Are they supposed to go in an change their profiles when they become pos?

    I never thought I would get HIV because I was always vigilant about using condoms. However, all it takes is one mess-up. The only way I can deal with my status is to say “at least I can have raw sex now.” If I meet you and you jump on my raw penis without asking about HIV, then I’m gonna assume you are pos and let you do it.

    The point is, you should not depend on anyone else to look out for your health. If you are concerned about HIV, do not have raw sex.

  27. Just A Guy

    I used to disclose my status. Then a sociopath who recognized from online at a bar inserted himself into my life and attempted to use that to extort money from me. Threatening to go to the police and have me arrested for intentionally transmitting HIV (that’s a felony in my state). We never had sex. When I called his bluff, he actually did it. Fortunately the matter was dropped since he had no tangible evidence i.e. he was neg for one thing. However, the stress of the ordeal was nearly unbearable.
    I’ll never disclose my status publicly again until it actually matters.

  28. David

    I like Jodie’s comment. I’m poz and I don’t post my status. Why? Because it’s not information for public consumption. Plus I work with lots of serophobic jerks not unlike most HIV- guys online. I don’t have to post my cock online and I shouldn’t have to post my status.

    You people who think I’m hiding something maliciously should feel lucky to be on that side of the glass house. You should be ashamed for stigmatizing us for being poz. And I would fight ANYONE who would sue me because THEY chose not to put on a condom. If I have sex with you, you’ll know my status before we start. After that it’s your reponibility. LIVE WITH YOUR CHOICES.

    No one made me positive. I made me positive. And I think A4A should delete that field completely because it only serves to perpetuate the stigma unfairly.

  29. Ben

    Heres the thing..yea im actually hiv heg and ddf..BUT theres a ton of poz guys in my area that lie their ass off!! And on top of it they do too much meth and heroin!!

  30. Mike T.

    HIV Status: I thought you are to be put in prison if you know your poz and declare you’re not and having sex with folks. Where is the enforcement??
    I am using toys can’t be bothered with this dating and hook up stuff.

  31. L

    First, I think that the status indication is ify. If the status of someone being hiv positive or negative is such a big deal, the person should bring up the question at some point in time with that person way before engaging in any sexual activity.

    Secondly, I’m positive and get tired of the stereotypical and ignorant notions some people have. Like alot of people stated most people contract the disease from someone who likely doesnt know they are positive.

    Thirdly, hiv is now a chronic but manageable disease. And the fact that A4A only has a selection for hiv is unjust and adds to the segregation of people based on it. To even the playing field a list of all other sexual transmitted disease should be listed for people to select from. Many of those whose symptoms and complication are more life-threatening and severe than hiv.

    Lastly, I think everyone should rethink how they feel about hiv. Statistics show that everyone if not now but sometime within their life time will know someone infected with the disease whether publicly known or not. So watch what you say.

  32. JC

    This is a great thread.

    I don’t assume ANYTHING based on a declaration of HIV status–or even a lack of one–on an online profile. Or face-to-face. I’ve been “guilty” of assuming everyone is potentially poz, and proceed sexually with everyone accordingly. In my mind, there is no such thing as acceptable risk.

    Even though HIV and even full blown AIDS aren’t the expected death sentence it was in the ’80s and much of the ’90s, it is still occasionally a factor in death for some.

    But more often than death, it is a huge life-changer to be told that poz test result–even in 2014. You need to enter the “system” for HIV+ patients, and spend a lot of time and money to stay well. There is often a sad psychological toll. Dating will usually never be the same. The meds–miracles that they are–often come with unpleasant and even debilitating side effects. Poz folk learn quickly who their true friends are, and unfortunately who are not.

    I think more men would be willing to be open about their status if they weren’t ostracized within their communities. We could do a lot more in the gay community to make sure poz guys know they are still welcome in our social circles. That doesn’t mean we should not be careful sexually with EVERYONE including those we know to be poz, but it does mean treating all with respect.

  33. Rick

    Glad this site is addressing this issue. Conversation and learning are always good things. Being positive, I think you have a broader perspective. When I didn’t check my status because of my situation, I assumed I was negative….I had no reason to believe otherwise….I thought I knew my partner. The last man I was in a
    LTR with had cheated on me with other men. He told me this after we broke up. Unfortunately, you can’t trust anyone but yourself. Get checked!!!! When I did find out I was positive, I found it hard to trust any man. Positive men do have it a lot tougher meeting and dating men. Gay men need education. Positive men know what it is like to be positive…I would not wish it on anyone….that is why I diclose my staus. Most men don’t ever get to know me and see I would never do anything to hurt another man. Get to really know the men you are hooking up with and get tested regulaly no matter what.

  34. JC

    Steve, it is fantastic that decades of research and drug trials have made it possible to be both HIV+ and “virtually undetectable.”

    But to say NO ONE has ever been infected by someone who is “undetectable” is wishful thinking and not fact. Being undetectable and strictly practicing safe sex is very unlikely to produce a seroconversion. But it’s not 100%.

    When we have a true cure–a treatment or a therapy–that truly eradicates the virus we will have what we all want–a cure. It will mean that a person can undergo treatment, stop meds, and still be undetectable months or years later. We are not there yet. I believe that within the next decade or two we will know such a cure.

    The real danger in thinking undetectable equals being neg is that it causes many to become complacent. Despite the best of intentions, some eventually slip into practices they know they shouldn’t. Those who know they are poz try to “sell” this to others so they will have sex with them. Those who have reason to think they may be neg allow themselves to believe this fallacy in the heat of passion. And a rather large group–those who don’t really know their status–may throw caution to the wind because they’ve “heard” that they if they become poz they can get on meds and be “good as new.”

    By all means, if you test poz get HIV-knowledgeable doctors or clinics on your team ASAP. Find the right med for YOU and be compliant. Become undetectable. Your quality of life and your longevity on this planet will both improve markedly. But don’t treat it like it’s a cure. It isn’t, and among the new burst of HIV+ test results are some who were infected because they had unsafe sex with guys who were allegedly undetectable.

  35. chet5409 Boston MA

    I all-ways act as the person I’m wit iz positive. Just to be safe but I don’t agree with posting it here status on line it could be very dangerous. Some who just found out might not handle it well an go after everyone who post there +. Also most people still do not have enough I formation about HIV an Aids yet In fact it’s kinda HARD to get Also like it said in a previous post if a person is + an undetectable he or she may never pass it on also if you are positive an get with someone who is also positive it’s permission to go crazy an have a free for all. Unsafe sex because you can get RE-INFECTED its very dangerous esp if you are undetectable cause your partners strain could be worse than yours a. Lot worse an your MEDS could stop working an you might not find another combo that does so my advice ALL WAYS SAFE SEX AN DONT PIST YOUR STATUS BUT DISCLOSE IT !!!! An when disclose pass on some info just don’t say yes I’m positive INFO SHARED CAN SAVE A LIFE

  36. Rob

    I just wanted to say wheter is say HIV-Negative or Positive u awlyas have to practice safe sex who ever know when ppl is saying the truth about their status so before u pull ur pants down get a rubber around.

  37. James

    For me it is such a grayed line to even have a status field up at all. For one, you are right, there are men that lie (or truthfully don’t know) about their status and put negative or no status at all. On the other end I am personally just as uneasy about guys that put specific dates in their profiles. One: Just because you were “clean” a month ago doesn’t tell me anything about your sexual history or who you have been with since that test.

    People make their own decisions about who they hookup with the their practice (or lack there of of safe sex). While I do post my status on my profile I honestly am far less scared away by a guy that openly states that he is positive than the “anything goes” kind of guys. For me there are things out there much more alarming…

  38. John

    …OR we could all join the 21st century and introduce “Undetectable” as an option in the “Hiv status” field.
    GG has it right: by not informing young people about how hiv actually does and how it gets transmitted, by telling them to just “have a conversation” about hiv, we’re doing everyone a big disservice. People need to know that there are many ways to avoid becoming hiv positive, one of them being PreP (people do a search for “a pill to prevent hiv”), the other is to understand that a “negative” partner is actually not safe at all (for many reasons: 3-month window, test accuracy and activities since the test, etc). The ONLY way to make sure you never become hiv positive is to stay home and jerk off. The best way to minimize the risks are to EDUCATE yourself. Find out what “undetectable” means. Or if you’re just too lazy for that, WEAR A CONDOM, EVERY TIME. Thanks for your time.

  39. snowski_2us

    I have a question for everyone. I want to get tested. I practice safe sex but feel I should get tested anyways. So here is my question…How accurate are the home tests. I don’t want to go to a lab or doctors. I know that sounds stupid but just don’t. I am not all comfortable and out like some of you all are.

  40. MistrFistr

    Yeah, right…like any of the tweeked out poz guys are going to answer THAT one honestly! Here’s a hint…THEY’RE ALL POZ. Suit up…you’re gonna need it. I didn’t survive the AIDS Holocaust by being stupid, and I’m not going to start now.

  41. daddydon

    I have found a whole new way of evaluating so called friends as I’ve observed the way they have reacted to me after learning that I am HIV positive. I posted my positive HIV status on my social profiles the day after I was advised. Some “monogamous” individuals who, knowing I was in an open relationship, had blatantly tried multiple times to entice me into one night flings (their partners didn’t need to know) suddenly treated me like a leper. I was suddenly no longer being courted to be a part of informal social groups, even totally nonsexual ones. Nevertheless, I am happy I elected honesty and integrity; it has served as a filter to eliminated from my list of prospective friends certain persons I would have chosen to court for friendship had I not learned their true character.

  42. goldenloverinmym

    I AM NEG FOR HIV &ALL STD’s tested 1-29-14 and play safe ALWAYS!!!!! my opinion is disclose truthfully will be better in the long run for all parties involved.DDDD

  43. Cuwnicu1

    GG…You hit it on the lie..not all but there not the one you should beware of..when considering a hookup or date(?)..I ask them straight up..regardless of what the profile says..I generally carry a copy of the med report..for the guy that I’m really erasure them that I am honest about my status…PLAY SAFE KNOW YOUR STATUS…

    oh and Dave…nicely done..I read your work daily….cuwnicu

  44. Melvin

    I agree with most of what you said but as others have commended what about other sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes,syphillis, which if untreated can also kill, like HIV???


    I recently hooked up with a guy who said he was hiv neg and when I told him I only play safe. He agreed that was a good idea. But when we got naked and started to play he informed me he would be fucking me raw. Wait u agreed to play safe. He said well its safe because we are both neg. I said look this is not what I agreed to and left. So I think assume everyone is Poz keeps all of us out of trouble.

  46. Kevin L. Spielman

    I’m Poz-but don’t post it online,but always tell the person when asked,or before we have sex!Have known a few month’s,medication-one pill a day-complera,undetectable,and still prefer bareback-as other guy’s do!I am a versatile bottom.Kevin,Hagerstown,Md.

  47. Dan

    I’m normally pretty open about my status, but I do not put it on my profile. I think the only reason I would put my status online is to alert other positive guys so they can approach me.
    If guys are using other guys’ self-reported (and out of date) negative status as their HIV prevention strategy, then good luck to them! I think if you are truly concerned about HIV, using a condom all the time is the best bet.

  48. CBinKY

    I have always been a big proponent of keeping status blank. Why?

    1. Only one status is forever: positive.
    2. We know that the majority of new infections occur thanks to those who don’t know they are poz, hence claiming “negative”.
    3. Queens are vindictive. Someone who changes status when they find out runs the risk of “screenshots” being spread around (have seen it happen).
    4. Last test dates are only as accurate as about 6 weeks BEFORE the test. (Which means they mean nothing unless celibate between tests).
    5. It causes automatic aversion of people- whereas opening. Conversation with someone who later discloses they are poz before any physical interaction may be a teaching moment and humanize a the poz person.

    And most importantly:
    6. There are still VERY hateful and pozphobic people online. And until A4A protects the dignity of poz persons by permanently banning those people who send unsolicited hate messages to poz people here, it is just asking them to open themselves up to attack. (And no, blocking is not sufficient- as it has no repercussions on the person who attacked the poz individual saying they “should die, shouldn’t be on this site, or is disgusting.” ). These attacks happen more than one would think.

  49. eddie

    I understand why people want the HIV status posted but in my experience it gives guys a false sense of security that the status is correct. Whether lying or simply not knowing that your status has changed,it seems a very large number of guys in this area take it as truth and then don’t play with protection. The one fact that they don’t think about it guys on these sites are likely hooking up far more often than any other method, it is easy to find guys also looking for sex when you are. So obviously, or it seems to me, no matter what they post – status or last test date, means nothing when you are hooking up with many guys on a continual basis. I also think that when guys post neg, then the other guy never asks any questions at all. The one advantage of not posting status is it forces the question and conversation. If A4A is going to have people post their status, then they should include a disclaimer that the posting actually means very little on a sex based hook-up site. If your latest hook-up was a hot, desirable guy, how many others do you think he has been with since his last test date? I have a buddy who posts neg because according to his last test date – years ago – he is. The ONLY status designation that should be believed is a positive posting.

  50. Jr.

    I pay no attention to anyone’s profile as it relates to status. As a healthy sexual active person it is my responsibility to get tested regularly for hiv and sti’s. I get tested every 3 months and it is easy and fast. Secondly, I ask anyone I’m intimate with when their status, when they were tested and the results. Finally, I use protection and never bb. Regardless if they say they are clean or neg. I’ve gotten a lot of stares when I put on a condom when I guy sucks my dick, but ultimately I feel at the end of the day I’m responsible for my own health and well being and don’t want to put in the hands of someone else who may not be honest.

  51. Realitycheck

    Environment determines the social acceptance of HIV . If your in a slump and feeling like it’s a death sentence, move to a urban city, where there is more education and people that accept and facilitate your sexual practices without the ignorance and bs. It’s 2014 and if a grown man is asking you after bareback sex of your status, he’s not really concerned about the real truth but he’s looking for the scapegoat answer so he can live with himself , another day. And if your in your 20s your not exempt from blame for making pore decisions. Gay men will always live with HIV or live in fear of catching it because they like risk whether they want to believe that fact or not. I actually respect guys who purposely catch it so they don’t have to live with the unnecessary fear of catching it, because either way were all doing it bareback. That’s just the facts….. At least then these people can be treated and lower the risk of passing to a negative partner that barebacks.

  52. Mike

    I’ve found most guys on any site should disclose their status if + or – treat all as if poz use your condoms men, I had relationships with poz and neg and don’t see why a sustaining friendship can’t last my past love and I were married 12yrs he was poz but he died in a car crash not of his sickness and he was a healthy, undetectable w/meds as I was the same but took no meds, tested poz back in 1988 so far so good many more years to follow

  53. W

    Once again I find it fascinating how clueless people are with regard to hiv+ status, the importance of undetectable, etc.

    So despite the blogger stating options are available, they are INCOMPLETE. Why is there not a poz/undetectable status available as an option? Given meds and an undetectable status the risk has been put at 0-3% by credible medical sources. I find that to be a better evaluator of risk then hiv negative, “anything goes”, etc.

    gs999 – get educated. Yes it is possible to be undetectable and NOT on meds…they are a very rare group called non-progressors and researching their status has helped drive improvements in med regiments and drug research.

    I’ve changed my status the day I found out and rather get it out of the way for me with a moral compass and not deal with the closed minded guys that are naive, clueless, or worse yet, liars that say negative but want to bareback with me and say “hey, poz/undetectable” here too!

    So as many write – assume are ALL are hiv+ and play/behave accordingly.

    poz/undetectable since 2008 and likely far healthier than many gay men my age. no drugs, exercise regularly, and 100% med adherence regiment. I own my health along with my doctors, nobody else.

  54. Chip

    A person’s health status is private – but privacy only extends as far as the person WANTS it to extend. (To many men, pictures of their penis are PRIVATE — to others [think porn stars and sexting selfies, not to mention most A4A members], dick pix are not so private.

    As a society, we have ever-changing and ever-evolving morals on what is “private”. (In the 1900’s, a woman’s thighs were extremely private!)

    I think hook-up sites asking the HIV status is something that we’re going to see fade away. Not because it is unimportant, but because the focus on ostracizing, demonizing, and otherwise outcasging HIV+ people is fading away (as we learn more and more about the disease, as well as improve treatments & management capabilities).

    If *I* were king of A4A, I would have 4 options:
    – I have tested HIV+
    – I have tested HIV- within the past 3-months (allowing a date to be entered)
    – I have not been tested within the past 3 months
    – I don’t care to discuss my HIV status here

    With that being said, while I am personally “tested NEG within the past 3 months”, I would answer the question “Don’t care to discuss” because I always play safely!

    We can all relax and rejoice in the fact that *I* don’t own A4A now!! LOL

    Chip in Tampa Bay, FL

  55. FloridaFurBall

    I know I’m going to get hell for saying this but the whole mess with everyone lying about their HIV is not the fault of the individual but the community. The gay community treats people with HIV like they’re filthy and diseased. They’re just people who weren’t lucky. No one on this site is “safe,” we’ve all made risky decisions that we know we shouldn’t. I honestly think that the community ostracizes people with HIV because they don’t want to take responsibility and be safe. Its like they treat them like they are the unwelcome party crashers. I’ve been HIV poz. for four years and I’m great. I handle disclosure by telling those interested before we meet, I don’t post because I believe it only concerns me, my doctor and my sexual partners. Sorry but I’m sick of all the nasty emails.

  56. feline1

    If you practise safe sex, it doesn’t matter if your partner is poz, you won’t get infected.
    In contrast, if you are going to routinely have unprotected sex with casual partners just because they told you they are HIV neg, it’s not unlikely you’ll catch something sooner or later.

  57. Internet is Pulic

    Get a clue ppl. The internet gives everyone the opportunity to be dishonest. There are no cyberethics. If you are an adult, what you do is up to nobody but yourself.

  58. Robert

    I agree with some of you guys, ur status shouldn’t matter unless u wanna act like a total slut and let everyone bareback you, I use condoms every time I hook up with someone, and always assuming they are positive.

  59. Ron

    My situation is very similar to Gay Tony’s (poz, on meds, undetectable, in a small city) and I can also report that my chances to date and/or fuck dropped to zero after I disclosed my status online. I also know poz men who flatly lie and post that they are neg in their profiles.

    Life would be more fun if I lied, too, but I don’t want to be like whoever recruited me into the poz club, I’m going to be up front. That and I’d rather not wait until the last possible moment before I spring my status upon a hookup.

    Since I’m taking meds daily and undetectable, I’m less likely to pass on HIV as a random guy who doesn’t even know if he’s infected, so the irony that we who are honest are being shunned would be funny if it wasn’t so lonely.

  60. Joey S

    I’m poz. I have been since 1985.Post as such in my profile. As to being undetectable for over 15 years it is proof that as a proof of an involved medical/sexual life. I also get a LOT of offers from hot sexy guys both young a bit older. HONESTY PAYS. A day if it goes long term it is best to be honest from day one.

  61. Justin

    I regard online hook ups as everyone being poz, no matter what they say and act accordingly. Men who cruise online seem more interested in getting their rocks off, rather then ltr. It goes for straight men on straight sites too. No matter the picture, no matter what they describe themselves as, no matter any fact or fiction you truly do not know what is behind the smile. For most it doesn’t matter, getting the rocks off is the primary goal. So I simply regard everyone as being poz.

  62. Greg

    I treat my sexual partners the way I treat guns (I hunt from time to time) Just as I always treat a gun as if it is loaded, I always assume my fuck buddy or one night stand is poz, even if they are unaware that they are. That wat it reduces the risk enormously.

  63. Rick

    Oh come on. The poz/neg question is irrelevant because it creates stigma, isolation, and a false sense of security. If you are going to have sex, understand that an element of risk will always be present.

    Use some rubbers, fuck and be happy. Or bareback if you want, but know and accept the possible outcomes. Be an adult. Hysteria is not becoming.

  64. sabazius

    Not bad. It did start discussion.
    I out myself as HIV+ for one reason , I respect my time and others to do the same. What shames I hide will hurt me. Imagine I’M POSITIVE, and then the person reading it thinks you are happy upbeat. Met, talked at a $90 hotel room he was horrified and left. Gas, food, hotel, taxes – $210.

    Biggest waste of money – so I wrote HIV+. Now they don’t write unless they are positive and into condoms is our next talk. Simple, easy. I assume everyone is positive. Even after ten dates. Best friend got poz first boyfriend because the whole he knew and lied. Get tested together if you are a couple. Building trust.

    When I’m shamefree I am confident and confident with integrity is sexy.

    Poz 21 years, used to NO THANKS, NEGATIVE ONLY. it ain’t the first time I’ve heard it but I love when guys say no thanks, neg only. D!idn’t see that in your profile. It shows in reaction. Wow I have good self esteem. I don’t take it personally. It is all okay. Great responses, guys!

  65. Choice

    everyone should use a condom until they’re monogamous and getting tested with their partner regularly but that’ll never happen. so many loop holes to this.



  67. scott

    nobody is required to give their status on A4A. this is private and confidential folks. people also lie about it too. if you have anal sex-just use a condom. you can not get AIDS from sucking cock with no condom. there is no documented fact anywhere about that.

  68. Steve R.

    Every guy you have sex with on here you should treat as hiv+ When it cums to sex. Then u don’t have to worry about it

  69. Robert

    Yea… The lying part is what bothers me and makes me not want to ever hookup again. But let’s be real, we all are going to do it anyway at some point. I agree with the author that it should be used as a conversation topic to open the discussion about each other’s status. Whatever the case, I think the use of condoms needs to be promoted more during hookups since that is more of the issue than whether someone is HIV positive or negative.

  70. David

    I agree with GG. You shouldnt have to disclose your status to everyone especially before they know your last name. Everyone should protect themeselves that dont want to contract HIV just as you would protect yourself from skin cancer or diabetes. take personal responsibility for the decisions you make.

  71. dennis

    Dave this is a subject that needs to be addressed> just because, hiv years ago you ran from when and if they were honest about it. Back then and even now if protective measures are taken there can be a very meaning relationship there. And be that person be the best that has ever happened to you. It is not only about sex (hormones might tell us something else.)But it as to do with the person as a whole etc. Years ago i was seeing someone, and he insisted on a lunch date he told me he was +, I was confused and ran even though sex was safe i still ran. And till this day I regret that. He is an the best person you can know. The most important thing is to now your status.I didn’t went 3 yrs with out any connect as sexual went with out getting tested.
    Just because I now how I can be. My actions have changed and a lot more care full who I have sex with, witch is about nil.What I have learned over the years is that if some one is hiv + and if they are real and true full they are real and want what every one else wants. Be safe be who you are and now what your status is. Dennis

  72. Mitch

    I can understand some guy not disclosing there status in the provided field. I would not give a guy the time of day if it says he was positive. I was talking to this guy that was a real hot mid-eastern guy with lost of muscle. We decide to meet and it turned out he was staying with a FWB of mine. When I brought this up he said okay and I went to meet him and found out that guys he talk with he usually tells them they can’t meet before they come over and only let me come over because I was good friends with the owner of the house and he felt he at least owed it to me. So I’m sitting on couch next to him and my other friend is sitting on a chair across from us. He says he has to tell me something and stars crying and I immediately know what it is he has to tell me. He was afraid to tell me because he had faced rejection and persecution that had hurt him badly. He wanted to lay his head on my chest and be comforted which I let him and he started to play with my cock. I allowed him to suck my dick all while my other friend was in the room watching. This went on for a awhile and my other friend went in to kitchen to do something and while he was in there u grapes his friend by the hand a took him to bed. I wrapped it up and we had sex. I found out later that it had been months since he had been laid that every guy that found out would either just leave it worse bitch him out then leave which was why he was crying when he told me he was afraid I would do the same thing. My friend told me that my willingness to stay and eventually fuck him gave him hope and lifted his spirits. It wasn’t nessecerily he sex but the act of acceptance he like and also he go his fix. We never meet again because later that wee he went band to India and didn’t have chance to meet.

    So I understand why the prefer to have a connection with a guy before they disclose so that the guy will make a valid decision and not a knee jerk default reaction if running. As long as the guy disclose his stats before sex or and bodily fluid exchanges they let you know so you can make an informed decision. Also federal law dictates that you must inform sexual partners of your status. If you knowing hide your status and infect another person you can be charged with assault and in some cases murder. Each person you infect and each person the person you infect unknowingly infects are separate charges brought to the original person. There was a cause we here a guy knowingly infected 8 people then those people went on to infect a few other unknowing and so on and I. The in he got charged with of 50 counts of murder.

  73. Terry

    I find it weeds out all the unnecessary drama from telling some one after we meet. Before I put it in my profile I had some people cry after I told them, some get angry, some just walk away without a word, and some ask about safe sex and how to do that, and after dozens of people unwilling to KNOWINGLY have sex with a POZ person you might hit a winner. I do find it sad that so many people simply block you if you are HIV POZ and do not even want to chat. But then on the other hand, through the years I have had many many people question me extensively on safe sex in which I was able to counsel them to the increasing levels of risk with the varying levels of sex. I suppose it is a personal choice. In the state of Illinois it is not required to inform the person if you are only having oral sex. It is who I am after 30 years, and who I will be till there is a cure. I do not want to spread the disease so I list it in my profile… Even though I know it limits greatly the number of people even willing to chat with me, and even more greatly the number that will have sex.

  74. Randy

    Your article perpetuates the behavior that causes people to lie about their status. As someone in the thread pointed out, putting your status in your profile makes it public.
    The idea that one should avoid people that are HIV+ to preserve one’s negative status is simply wrong. You also imply that HIV+ person is responsible to disclose or ‘warn’ any prospective partners.
    You also neglect to point out that HIV+ persons on medication are very, very unlikely to pass the HIV to a partner.
    You article raises questions, but your education about HIV appears limited.

  75. GoodOlGuy

    The best thing about stating one’s status in their ad is that if they are positive and honest about it then I know who to avoid. No offense but I’m not interested in sex or relationships with HIV positive guys. I’m negative and I want to stay that way. The worse thing about it is that there are guys who lie about being negative, so no I don’t take them at face value when I read it in ads either. I pass over guys who say I don’t know or don’t list anything at all too. Those are red flags to me that they probably are positive.

  76. dave cole

    I find it offensive to ask for ones status. Why not ask for heptitis C status, herps status, mental diagnoses. All of them can endanger your health. You cant trust strangers to be honest about their hiv status. It’s personal information and i dont know why people would want to post it for strangers to read. Just assume any stranger could be a breeding ground for infectious disease.

  77. Steve

    Perhaps, when the time is right, people will be self compelled to prove their status as negative with their most recent test results from a clinic, or a self home test… The oraquik tests are now a smidgen under 40 bucks on Amazon (free shipping with prime) and in 20 minutes you can know if you are currently, at this exact time, probably hiv- depending when you last had unprotected sex… I don’t know about others who hook up all the time, but for those of us who hook up infrequently, the offer to test both yourself and your soon to be playmate gets me mixed results. I have had people thank me for my generosity and were happy to do a test. Others were outraged that I would even suggest such a thing, and block me immediately from whichever social site I was using… Even with my home oraquick tests, that obviously does NOT detect herpes, HPV, etc. but it’s a start. If someone is happy/willing to submit to a pre-hookup test, then I think THAT is the person I want to play with, and not someone who is offended that I trust them…lol

  78. Ron

    On any site profile, I make sure that my Hiv status (positive) is revealed & that cuts down on any “surprises”. Also that insures that only those guys who are interested in me are for me.

  79. Bill

    HIV is a dangerous thing to be messing with, but I hear very little talk about syphilis, which is back in large numbers. It can be just as deadly as HIV if left untreated, and most guys do not know they have it. I’ve contracted it twice in the last year, and both times went to the partners I had and told them about it, yet they all claimed to be disease-free, and had “just been tested.” Guys are full of shit for the most part, you must assume that everyone has all the STD’s, and if you take the chance and get burned, deal with the consequences.

  80. true

    Disclosing your status is very important,
    something that concern me is that ,no one dies of HIV today,yes just a life time commitment,like having Diabetes and having to take medication, until the rest of your life.
    What about hepatitis C that really kills people, and get transmitted on the same way. People should be aware if they also have Genital Herpes,another very disabling disease ,for most……….The list goes on and on,unfortunately when HIV was find it was associated with the gay community and called Cancer Gay, the stigma associated to the disease apparently will take generations to come,to be one day placed in a list of sexual transmitted disease that like today seems to be just if you are going to get a simple cold………..Be honest and true no matter what……….

  81. Rocky

    According to the CDC 20% of gay men are HIV positive. 99% of the guys on a4a claim to be HIV negative. What else do you want to know?

  82. JET

    There is still a very big stigma associated with being positive. I know. I’ve been living it for 30 years. Now to be an older guy, positive, not really attractive, the sword of Damocles hangs over me in more ways than one. I ALWAYS list my status on a social media site. It mitigates the hurt. But it creates the loneliness. It saves the “by the way” conversation at a later time not that that is very often. It’s been 13 years since the last man. I perfectly expect to be alone when I die. Treatments today are so SO much better than when I started in 1991 (converted in 1983). I can sense at times that other gay men know about me before I even tell them. I don’t usually say anything. I’d rather them know me first and my personal things later. I have run across comments ranging from ‘so what’ to ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with it (or you).’ There is no pill for the relief of pain from rejection. EVERYONE deserves to be loved. And that doesn’t always involve sex. I could go on, but I’m sure some would see this is more of a sob story, but it’s just the plain ol’ truth from one positive man’s eyes.

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