Gay Stuff : Would You Date The Ex Of Your Friend…

One of your friends has been dating a guy for a long time. You have gone to dinner with them, been to their apartment, hung out at the bar with them, etc…

Fast forward a couple years. You have lost touch with these friends. One day you are walking down the street and you run into your friend’s boyfriend. He gives you a big hug and you ask how your friend is doing.

He tells you they broke up a couple years ago blah blah blah. You two get to talking over some coffee and really hit it off. You make your move and ask if he’s like to meet up for a drink and maybe some dinner this week. He says he’d love to.

Has the dating code been broken? Dating code? You know, the one that says you shouldn’t date a friend’s ex-boyfriend.

If you hang out with these people on a weekly basis and are flirting with the boyfriend through text, email, chat and cause them to breakup then yes, the code has been broken. If you are close with them and you start dating the ex then yes, the code has been broken but if you haven’t talked to either of them in so long then no code has been broken. You are free to date who you want.

Most guys tend to look at past boyfriends as possessions. I recently say a guy I use to date with an old friend of mine. Before I went up and said hello I looked at them and thought what a great couple. Good for them. Be happy when people find each other!!

Thoughts? Comments?

g skorich

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  1. Helle

    I personally could never date a friends ex. It would be too creepy for me. But if a friend of mine wanted to date one of my ex’s then who am I to stop them. If they’re happy and like one another then go for it. Once I’ve sold a car I don’t care who drives it.

  2. Cooper

    I think you’re right. If you have had no contact for years, it’s not breaking the code. And I want to congratulate you on not feeling possessive over your ex. It’s very adult of you to wish them well.

  3. James

    This actually happened to me recently. A guy I dated for 10 years ran into a mutual friend of ours and they started talking. It progressed into their dating. I don’t really have a problem with that. I’m glad they are happy together. the issue I have is neither of them bothered to tell me about it. My friend and I stayed in fairly close contact, talking several times a week. After they finally told me I said that great but I feel a little betrayed that y’all have dated this long (4 months) and never mentioned it. I know it’s awkward but feel that as a friend they should have mentioned it sooner. I’m not talking about asking “permission” or first date but when it started becoming something more. It’s let me with more than a shadow of doubt about their character and I’ll never fully trust them again.

  4. Mike

    If you have lost touch with them and is been years and let’s face it we arnt in high school anymore (normally) and it has been years since the two of them where together I would say no and if your friend and there now ex are no longer an item but you and the friends ex ate a good fit hopefully the friend is truly a friend and they are more happy for you

  5. einathens

    That’s an iffy situation.

    If you’re a moral absolutist, you don’t do it.

    For the ethical relativists among us, if you’re not actively friends anymore, it’s kinda okay.

    Best thing to do would be to get in touch with the ex. You say “I ran into dave the other day. When he told me you two had broken up, it made me realize I’d drifted out of touch with you both…”
    And you eventually work your way to “…and he asked me to meet him for coffee. Would that be weird? I promise no gossiping about your relationship.”

    If he’s okay with it, proceed guilt-free. If he’s not okay, at least you know and it’s up to you and your conscience.

    However, if you threewayed with them when they were together, you’re in the clear.

  6. Mark Evar

    This “code” thing drives me nuts! Ex boyfriends are just that, EX. Simple manners dictate you don’t scoop up a friends friend in seconds after a breakup. Time must pass. Be sure they are really done with one another, often times there’s unfinished business between them. If that’s appearant, stay away. I’m quite sure it’s unlawful to own a human being. Be happy for people who “find” each other.

  7. headsupguy

    Ex-boyfriends are off-limits to friends? Is this really a thing? The pool of available guys is limited, even in a large metropolitan area, and the pickins’ get slimmer as you move into less populated regions. The idea that an ex is not allowed to move on and date someone else – even a friend of his ex – is ridiculous. Where is this dating code you speak of? Who wrote it? By what authority?

    If you flirt* with a friend’s boyfriend, you’re an ass. If you knowingly flirt with a stranger’s boyfriend, you’re an ass. If the boyfriend doesn’t discourage your advances, he’s an ass. Beyond that, if you show interest in someone who is not attached, you are breaking no code, real or imaginary.

    *Flirt (verb) – behave in a manner and make comments that convey your intent to get into his pants.

  8. tomusutaku

    It all depends on the circumstances. If it was a particularly bad breakup, then no. If they broke up because one had to move and the other couldn’t or something else that prevented them from being together, but there were no hard feelings, I would have no problem if I knew my friend would have no problem.

  9. Keith

    You are 100% correct. If the was nothing going on to cause any bad blood, then why not?! A person(s) get together when they do and why they do!

  10. jace

    people are not possetions people need get that throught there heads and for date a feeind ex yess might do that the dating code there is not code

  11. kenny

    I broke up with a boyfriend 13 years ago and with a new one now. No hard feelings…My old boyfriend now works for me and my current one. I know I can trust him in the business! No hard feelings here.

  12. Brian

    Personally I am somewhat torn because I feel like why does my friend need to date my Ex when there are so many men in the world. I would want my friend to be happy but there would have to be a reason why my Ex is an Ex. I have been in the situation and normally it never last.

  13. gs999

    If you haven’t heard from said friend in several years, there’s no problem. Obviously not a close friend.

    This might be different if he were the ex of a close/current friend. Even so, if the break up had been some time ago, and wasn’t dramatic, no problems I can see.

  14. Täíä

    Well it depends. I would never break code but if my friends boyfriend is really fine, and is coming on to me, then hey who am I to stop his wants. But see 99% of the time I’ll end up hating friends ex LOL

  15. GeekInConcord

    Seems like a lot would depend upon how the various people involved feel about that kind of dynamic. Granted, my friend has no authority over whether or not I choose to date anyone, nor over his ex. But if the friendship is valuable, certainly his feelings should be considered, particularly with respects to any logistics. If the degree to which his ex and I dating impacts his social life is limited or non-existent (i.e. we’re not going out to the same places, run in the same social circles, or cohabitate), then my friend isn’t necessarily affected other than what he might perceive as offense at the idea that a friend would date his ex at any time or for any reason. Of course, immediately following their break-up would simply be a bad idea since that raises some doubts as to whether or not some spark had a negative impact on their relationship.

    On the other hand, if I know anything about my friend’s relationship with his ex, then that might potentially poison my relationship with him. Starting a relationship off with a ‘clean slate’ in all respects might be difficult. Not to mention that the ex has the same potential to have had his opinions of me altered during his relationship with my friend. None of that means it is a no-no, but these past interactions / knowledge about one another might alter the course of our relationship. Possibly for the better, but more likely for the worse (as people are more likely to vent to friends / lovers about negative events with other people they know, versus share things that are very positive).

  16. Ryan

    I haven’t thought about “codes” since high school, but even then I just found open communication to be a lot easier. I think as long as someone is open about their feelings and doesn’t try to deceive, then their true friends will often be supportive. Not every breakup is tumultuous, so not every friend is going to have animosity towards their ex or the idea of a friend being with their ex.

  17. mike

    Dating a friend’s ex is just plain wrong. In this story situation its fine it seems like the writer and his friend have lost contact so it really shouldn’t matter. As for and ex trying to date your BEST and or close friend you see weekly its a HELL NO in most situations. if you and the ex ended on good terms( which is rare) or are now good friend and he is apart of your social group that’s fine. If you and the ex ended on bad terms and he pops up months or years later wanting to date your bff not cool because then the SOB is in a way back into your life especially if you were doing fine and wanted them out of your life for good. It’s not about still having feelings for the ex it about you having peace of mind that they are gone and doing there own thing and you doing your own thing. Also your close friend should have common sense on what your stance on dating your ex is. If they are deciding sex or their need to have a relationship is more important than your friendship you need to evaluate the friendship.

  18. E

    I think if all people involved are mature adults then it isn’t an issue. Some people just make a better pair. My friend actually set me up with his ex after his ex asked about me. They lasted 6 month we lasted 3 years. We are not in school anymore we are adults and we need to realize that our community even in the biggest cities is small…the pickings are few. If a friends ex is available no law was broken. Now if they broke up bitterly then yes stay away, but if it was a peaceful mutual breakup all is ok

  19. fairgame

    I’m a firm believer in bros before hoes. Though based off the scenario given no code is broken. You can’t really call someone a friend after years of non contact. I believe people use the word “friend” too freely. If I’m close to someone their exes are off limit no question. If they were someone you associated with in mere passing free game as long as they are single.
    I believe in karma. So whatever you do to others good or bad be prepared. And remember how you got them cause you can’t get mad when you lose them same way. Don’t be scandalous.

  20. lee

    Dateing your Friend Ex.Its a Hell NO! its disrespectful.tastless,chep.i would never do it. gay men should have more respect for each other and Never do this.

  21. Mykel

    As you stated that you had not kept in contact or seen either of them for a few years I do not see where there would be any code in place. You should be able to date him and enjoy his company all you both like.

  22. TrizzyTroy

    For thirsty fags, y’all gonna do it anyway so b it. To date him now means you thought abt fucking him b4, disrespectful! I refused to entertain anyone who may have wronged a friend. Furthermore my friends r good enough dudes that I dont feel another dude deserves to have had us both (at least not knowingly). Dating is a lil more deeper than being just a fuck. So hell no it aint cool, what happens if the friend gets back in contact as well as the ex??? Would u rather have the friend (a sure thing) or gamble on a maybe (his ex) and possibly lose them both. #No brainer

  23. MIKEAL

    If your friend is a sister he’ll no you cant the ex of your close friend. How can an ex be a factor, if you and your friend have not been in contact. There’s just no friendship there hes merely a person you know.

  24. 1versfucker

    I find most of the topics that come up here, like this one, are tedious and trite.
    Why can’t people just think and act for themselves without worrying about what someone else might say.
    ‘Dude’ you said it best.

  25. latinlust69

    An ex is an ex. When I was “straight” my friends would date my exs. I’ve never “dated” the ex of a friend tho. Fucked around with, well yes. Even gotten a report back once when it happened from the friend.

  26. ed

    Our partners are not possessions. When a couple breaks up both are available to whomever. Trying to keep control of an ex with some simple minded code is just what the hetero’s do. Why do we seek to emulate them with nonsense like this and formal marriage? Having always found monogamy quaint and hetero based in property rights, this so called code is quite funny.

  27. David

    Well….my thinking is, if it’s been over a couple of years since you’ve seen your friend (don’t true friends stay in touch?)…..(and a couple of years since their break up – there again, a true friend would turn to you for support when their heart is broken) I don’t see a moral code being broken at all. Sounds like the friendship had already run it’s course – otherwise, you’d still be in touch. Plus, you already know a little about the ex’s character and the fact that you hit it off with them….I really don’t see the problem here. On the other hand, if you were still close friend’s and therefore knew about the break up from your friend – then……that’s a horse of a different color. I would at the very least, discuss it with my friend – to see what their feelings on the subject are. I wouldn’t want to stomp on their feelings and force them to relive the fact that they and the ex didn’t work out – while myself and the ex are doing wonderfully. True friends are hard to come by – and long lasting relationships are even rarer – so, if the question was would I be willing to lose a true friend over a bit strange – then I’d say Hell no.

  28. Hunter0500

    People, men or women, should always try to date sanely and maturely. This means doing everything they can when a breakup is warranted to do it civily. Unless something heinous (theft, cheating when monogamy was a rule, etc.) happened, there is no reason anyone has the right, or even should think about, “owning” an ex. As long as a reasonable period (months?) of time has passed, dating an ex of a friend is not an issue. While it’s not absolutely necessary, ensuring that the now 3rd party hears from one of you, not someone else, that you have started dated could be a good idea.

  29. Justin

    If you haven’t talked to your friend in years, he’s not a friend anymore. So, if you start dating his ex, you can continue not speaking to him. The dude you speak of as a friend is someone you were once friendly with. That’s it. Get your life!

  30. Tim

    Hell the way no.I would never lower myself that low.My friends mean too much to me to run the risk of hurting that friend by dating his ex.I would go home alone first before I would ever do such a thing.T

  31. Joe S

    Like most of these things, you should decide based on the relative potential misery you will cause to yourself and those you care about. If you dating him means losing all/some your friends and him losing all/some of his friends, and you care more about keeping the friends you’d lose than being with him, then don’t date… otherwise go for it. The only way you will know is talk to the people involved — your mutual friends and him. Incidentally, if you’ve lost touch for years, you’ve already lost their friendship, so what does it matter?

  32. Rogue

    I take that code seriously. But there has been two ex’s of friends that I connected with after they had been broken up. The ex’s and I had a strong attraction to each other. We talked it over and concluded that it wood be best to not date or anything else. Both times it was hard to resist but we did!

  33. Joe

    really? you are asking people in this site that lie about being single or their status? hell there is no “code” in here for most .

  34. Matthew

    Gay or straight, dating your best friend’s ex is a moronic idea. The most obvious detriment is that doing so usually drives a wedge between the two friends. Let’s imagine you get with your best friend’s ex and you hit it off. That creates an awkward tension that can never be resolved. Of course if a person is an unbridled drama queen, then yes, go ahead and date your best friend’s ex, but don’t piss and moan when both dump you. You deserve it.

  35. Zach

    I’ve never dated a friends ex, I have thought about it. But I have hooked up and dated some of my exes exes 🙂 before and after me 🙂

  36. jay

    I say yes code broken if u around your friend on a daily basis, but if you haven’t seen neither in years then i think its ok him and see where things go. It might be a good thing for the both of.them.

  37. goldenloverinmym

    if it’s been along time since u have seen them n they r split up no prob go 4 it.i was friends with a guy just fwb he introduced me 2 his ex I talked 2 both about it they said no prob go 4 it.Dean

  38. Rafe

    I would never and could never. It would break my heart if someone I consider a friend, later dates an ex of mine. I just find it to be a moral code that just because we’re gay men we can date and screw whomever we want.

  39. Osei

    I dated my friend ex. In fact one of his many exes. He was so upset about it that I asked him before his current boyfriend why be upset and he is currently in a relationship with someone else. Added to that he may have sex with or date half the guys in town, so left me with little or no one to date if I had to be cherry picking outside of his exes.

    We own no one. When the relationship is over and done it is over and if the other person is ready to move on and date someone else then who is to cry foul.

  40. Dalton

    The goal is always to fuck as many people as you can. I say everyone should fuck everyone all the time. I know I get my share. If I can fuck my friends ex, I am going to do it. Hell if I can fuck my friends bf then I am going to do it! I will even fuck your Dad if I get the chance. Live, Love and Fuck!!!!

  41. Trent

    My friend brought his boyfriend over to hang out at my place in my hot tub. This guy’s eight pack body made my six pack body look like my whole highschool and college weight lifting was childsplay. It was like I was in the Mens Health mag and he was in the Muscle Fitness mag. The day they broke up I got a text from him asking if he could come over for another grill and hot tub night, he will bring the food and drinks. I texted my buddy and asked if he is officially over. I got a yeah. I told him yes and had an amazing night in that hot tub. After a month of hookups I called it off. He was a tool. I see why it didn’t last. Trust your friends……

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