Speak Out : Long Distance Relationship

What would you do if your partner or lover had to go away for a few weeks or months? What if they had to travel for work or were in the service? I ask this cause a co-worker of mine had to go to Florida for two months to train some new employees in our company and it made me think about this.

There would have to be a lot of trust in the relationship. My partner works out of town during the week locally but comes home every weekend. If he had to stay away for an extended amount of time I don’t think I could handle it. Not necessarily the trust issue, but just not him being here and of course, the lack of sex would be horrible.

What about if he was in the service and overseas? Not only would you not have them with you, but you would have to worry about him getting hurt or worse, killed. I don’t know if I could deal with the pressure of worrying about him.

Or, what if you were the one that had to go away? Could you handle the stress of being away from your loved one?


There are 43 comments

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  1. T

    Well if your partner’s name happens to start with a J & you live in Fox Point, I can tell you exactly what HE’S doing to pass the time …

  2. Damian

    I served in the marine corps for 8yrs. My ex was also in the marine corps. We were constantly being deployed separatly. It takes a great amount of self control and trust to be in such relationship.

  3. Sam

    Really, Seriously, Yes, there are trust issues involved, but if you’re already lacking that in your relationship then either you need to work on that or maybe it’s an indication that you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Sounds what also might be lacking is maturity. Grow the fuck up already. And the lack of sex would be “HORRIBLE”!! Oh the tragedy that you might not have sex with your boyfriend for a few weeks or months!! Ugh!! The horror of just the thought of it. Again, grow the fuck up. Try some good lube and your right hand.

  4. Jesus

    Well let me start out by saying i have been a flight attendant for about 6 years now and have had a partner for about 5 and a half years now. It was very hard in the beginning especially going to training for 6 weeks in a different country. But when i got back its was great. The 3 to 4 days i was away from home was a great time to miss each other. It gave us that well deserved ” ME ” time . There were times that i had my fears about what was going on while i was not home but i had to trust him. He does fear that my plane is going to crash in the atlantic somewhere and he won’t see me ever again , so he watches my flights on flight aware and also has this app that alerts him when my flight takes off and lands .. its kinda cute. but long story short. it takes trust .. without that your going to fill your head with these stories and it will stress you to the point where you bust and make a mistake and leave your partner when he was innocent the entire time .

  5. taleseverafter

    I feel as though the author is only looking at the negatives of the situation. If a relationship turns long distance for a short period of time it allows for a huge amount of growth.. Realizing just how much you miss that person, working on communication and building even stronger trust values. Those in my opinion completely overshadow the negatives.

    I don’t think people should be so selfish in thinking.. if someone had to go away trust me they would be feeling as unhappy about it as you are. And instead of thinking about what if they get killed while overseas, how about thinking how wonderful it will feel to be that special someone who will be there to welcome them back warmly when they return? Just a thought.

  6. E

    In any relationship there are trust issues. People can cheat in your own bed. If you can trust them at home then you can trust them abroad, however if I call or text and you don’t pick up then I would have some issues. Also the military thing, chances are he was enlisted before you met, therefore you knew the risks of him getting hurt or killed before hand and if it bothered you then why would you get involved . I had a friend who traveled for work 3-4 times a month and she was extremely faithful, however it was her live in work at home boyfriend that cheated on her. So it is not always the traveler. People need to understand that sex is not everything in a relationship and if you can’t have basic self control when your partner is away then that’s pretty sad and pathetic.

  7. ExArmyCockRider

    I was deployed overseas to Iraq, after meeting my last partner. We had been seeing each other over the five months before I deployed and I thought things were going to go well after we made it a month of me being in California for some extra training and talking on the phone and skyping whenever we could. After coming home on midtour leave I started hearing things that he had been sleeping around after about a month of my being gone to the warzone of Baghdad. I confronted him about this and he admitted that he needed the sex and could not wait for me to come home. This pretty much ended this relationship and I have been scared to get into another relationship ever since.

  8. Curious

    Sounds like this is more of a question about trust than anything or mind distance relationship per se.
    If you the slightest inkling of mistrust or suspicion maybe you need to delve deeper into your relationship.
    Also the title would suggest you live in different parts of the country and meeting each other whenever possible.
    Good luck.

  9. John...

    Hmmm… It all depends on the people involved. Many will say it’s a trust issue and if that’s the case then they already have a trust issue whether the partner goes away or not.

    It’s really a matter of how secure each person is with themselves that’s most important.

  10. fuckaroundgang

    I’d love to see the authors profile. Trust trust… Why you on a4a if you are in a relationship??
    Look then touch then fuck… Also enjoy you’re in love…he is fucking around you probably are too. Trust yall have a bond and go with it.

    Dumb subject … Poorly written too

  11. Emanuel12

    Have to agree with Jesus. At any given time you’re in a long distance relationship, trust has to be the issue in every stance. Nobody ever wants their significant other away, if you’re having problems, lack of trust while in each other presence, then obviously, first chance either gets, he’s going to step out of character. To sum it all up, one can only allow himself not to be faithful. It takes two people to consent. Not a thing, it just happened, or even a lame excuse. It was all intended. One can control himself if he truly loves his partner, hard yes, but it takes all the trust, dedication one can have. As for me in my house, if ever I met a guy and truly loved him, he me. I can and will hold my own. Most times there aren’t second chances, if you step out of bounds, and try to mend a broken relation(s) really hard to gain the trust back. It can happen over a period of time and has happened. But guys, if you have, meet a nice guy you love, treat him right by all means. When love calls….answer, leave all the drama, lies, games to the want to be players…..lots of them in today’s world…

  12. blog

    I lost the love of my life because neither of us were ready for a long distance relationship.

    I highly regret not pursuing.
    Fucking still so upset about it.

  13. Learning45

    Agree with some other comments here. Absence does makes the heart grows fonder. If you’re truly in love and your lover’s away, so many things can do to not cheat while he’s gone. Keep a track on him, text, monitor his movements. Let’s each other know, what we have, we won’t ever risk for a one night stand…..really not worth it at all. Get some lube, use whatever hand it takes for the moment. When he does return, makes it all that much better. For absence does makes the heart grow fonder. Love and trust has to be in the both, not just one, where the relationship began to dissolve, things began to happen. May be too late and you not have that chance again…..just keep it real

  14. seth

    Ok too many of yall talking about the negative stuff.. I been in two long distance relationships that both went very well.. I like the “me” time and when we we together it was “us” or “we” time.. Long distance relationships take alot of effort to keep it going on both sides.. If you not giving it all you have then its bound to fail.. Just from my experience, the only negative thing i have to say is i don’t get to sleep or wake up next to my baby… If you can’t control your sexual impulses and gotta cheat and blame the other person, than you scum… Thats all i’m saying..

  15. Hunter0500

    The basic point here is one of monogamy. Unless both partners are committed to monogamy, the prospects for the relationship (short or long distance) to work is limited.

    Realistically, we’re talking men. It’s pretty clear how most many men are wired … sex with anyone they can. I know several partnered guys who look at sex as fun, like having a beer, fishing, or catching a game with buds. It is not an exclusive thing. I know one couple for whom sex is an exclusive thing. That’s what they want/need.

    There’s no fault to either position. It’s just a matter of those involved agreeing on and living under the rules. For some, they know who owns their heart and don’t care who their partner shares their “quality time” with. For others, heart and “quality time” are linked. If the conditions work for all (meaning they’ve taken the time to a) discuss them and b) be in realtionships under them), the topic of this post becomes a non-question. If there hasn’t been a discussion and resultant understanding and commitment by the guys, then this post exists for them.

  16. goldenloverinmym

    yes trust is a issue.he says he’s being it just me or is everybody.and its makin me crazy.the LACK of sex is the worst part .Dean

  17. Travels for work

    If you’re thinking it will be stressful and there is the possibility of trust issues, you shouldn’t be in te relationship. I occasionally have to travel for my work and did this past April thru September this year. We both missed each other immensely, but we talked daily as well as text.

    Its not the greatest thing to have to be gone for long periods of time, but its definitely awesome for both of us when the one who has been gone finally gets home.

  18. gs999

    If you focus on the ‘what if’ so much, you’ll drive yourself nuts. Trust is key. Otherwise, it’s not the relationship you were looking for.

    People travel for work all the time and manage to maintain good relationships. It’s possible, just need to work at it a bit.

  19. John S

    My boyfriend and I are coming up on 9 months together. We met actually on a gay dating/social network…lol not it’s not a great romance novel but it’s the best thing thats ever happened to me…He lives/goes to school in Maine and I live in Rhode Island. It’s not easy. We skype daily, which helps. Text often as well. Due to living situations at the moment it wasn’t until recently I could go to Maine and visit in his new apartment…in fact I’m spending Thanksgiving there…but he’s come down to see me about 3 times. Many people say we don’t have a “real” relationship because we don’t get to physically be with one another…but all I have to say is I’ve never cared about someone this much and if the toll I pay right now is 3hrs and 180mi to be with him? I’ll gladly take it 😉 His plans so far are to graduate in 2015 and move to Boston…When that happens hopefully I’ll either be following him or convincing him to move to Providence, RI haha!.

    We cherish one another and the time we do ‘physically’ get to be with each other makes those moments THAT much amazing 😉

    so I write this with much love to my pretty artist <3

  20. Damien

    I think if you and your significant other are in a fully committed relationship, you already trust your partner. It will be difficult, especially if one of you is in the service, but not impossible. It takes a lot of love and dedication to survive this limited separation

  21. tomzuk

    I cant do long distance. I like a guy I can call up and say ‘hey wanna do something’ and off we go. Not wait months for him to come home.

  22. srehturts

    I have been in one ltr and I totally trusted him. It turned out he was cheating the whole time, but when I was in the relationship I had total trust. Maybe that was a bad thing considering but I refuse to let it enter any future relationships. I would love to be in love and if that someone was away I know I wouldn’t worry about myself because I’m loyal to a fault. I would miss him terribly, however I would never cheat and I would only hope he had the same respect. I would trust that he did until I had a reason not to.

  23. JamesMadison

    What a pile to tripe. Men are men, why say no sex while you or he are gone, you can set limits like, no sex in your own bed, but hell I have NEVER known any relationship where at least one of the partners was not fooling around anyway,so I agree, grow up, admit your gay and have fun while you are gone because he sure the hell is while you are gone…

  24. horny-in-greeley

    to solve this issue,,,don,t have a long distance relationship(PERIOD),,,i had 3 and it don,t fucking work they never will,,,i kept my self clean the whole time and then found out all of them cheated on me and here i am sitting at home using my hands,,so when a guy ask me about a long distance relationship i cut them off and won,t even go there,,,and believe me someone in the the long distance relationship is going to cheat,,,know one is going to go for 3-4-5 or 6 months with out sex from there partner using hands or toys is going to get boring and your going to just say fuck it i need the real thing and give in and say oh he will never fine out bullshit,,so to make it easy just consider him as a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy(PERIOD)MAKES IT EASY FOR BOTH!!!!!!

  25. brotherca

    I have learned not to try to become involved with long distance contacts. They have only brought frustration and disappointment into my life.


    i been in a long distance relationship with a guy, he lived in my city for a couple of years but then moved to the other side of the country, but insisted to me that it was for a couple of weeks. We spoke every other day for an hour on the phone, had tons of phone sex but…in the end, he had no plan of coming back and didnt tell me.

    If u are going to have an LDR have a plan and do not just take it as, they will come back. Know if he when he is leaving and when he can come back and if ur not able to handle that then you cannot become part of it.

  27. JR

    It will not work. I tried it 3 times. last BF was in Fla and cheated the entire time he was away from me. Just because you don’t play around and are faithful does not mean they will. End it and find another close guy.

  28. Lee

    In my experience you are what you train yourself to be. If the ultimate goal in your romantic life is an LTR it really works against you to get used to the idea of banging a different person every night.

    Cheating has never been an issue for me because I’ve never been very drawn to casual sex and I make it a point to avoid dating people that are. The couples that survive one or both coming from a heavy background of casual sex tend to have open relationships. Personally I feel it lessens the romantic bond but obviously it works for these people.

    If a person wants to change their mindset from one geared towards casual sex with many partners to one of a more monogamous nature a long-distance relationship can be a good training period for this. It won’t be easy but the rewards will be worth it 🙂

  29. AV

    My bf is serving time in a Federal prison for a white collar crime. We lived a part much of the time before that because of my work. Now he is even farther away. And in prison. We just came to an agreement to have an open relationship. It works for us. Now he has a friend in prison to keep him company and I try to stay happy and open for his return home which won’t be for years. I might fuck around recreationally, but I still think he is the guy for me. I was the one who had to get over the idea of monogamy with him. I think that it relieved the pressure on our relationship. If not, we probably would have broken up by now.

  30. Evan07

    My partner and I have been together for nearly six years, mostly long-distance. My partner and I have both cheated on each other, but both of us felt really awful about it. We were honest with each other, and it was so painful to apologize to each other and forgive. The good thing is that we discovered the strength of our relationship: despite minor slips in our fidelity and despite thousands of miles between us, we still want to be together. We may not be perfect (I still like browsing A4A just for fun and jerk off to lots of porn), but some relationships are worth the struggle.

  31. John...

    @ srehturts

    That’s a very good, secure with yourself attitude. You are the only one whose behavior you can control and your self respect should always be your first and top priority whether you are in love or not.

    To many gay guys (gay women and straights too) expect to get their self respect from their partners and when the relationship ends it’s a lot worse for them because not only did their partner let them down; they let themselves down too whether they like to admit it or not.

    Love doesn’t come with a warranty, but getting some is better than getting none. Here’s hoping you find the right one someday.


  32. Ed Abs

    For 9.5 years, my partner and I have been spending weekends together. He lives in NYC. I live in Phila. We have had an open relationship from the start. I love him very much and I always want him to be happy. I’ve told him that he is free to be with somebody else if that guy can make him happier than I can.

    When we got married 2 months ago, we pledged our “fidelity” to each other. Fidelity doesn’t have to mean “monogamy.” It means to be loyal and faithful to each other and the relationship. We have complete trust in each other and I know he always has my best interest at heart.

    It would be wonderful to wake up next to him every day, but I don’t worry or doubt him when we are apart.

  33. Been there/Been stupd

    The need for sex is only part of the challenge of separation. The genuine problem is the lack of affection, not waking up with someone who loves you on the other pillow to greet you with a smile. My partner and I were together for more than 20 years and lived to make each other happy.

    I had an amazing opportunity for career advancement on the other side of the country. We decided we would make it work. The commute got harder and harder. Finally, I told him I understood his needs. If he needed sex, I knew no one would ever replace me emotionally, and I wouldn’t feel threatened. I just didn’t want to know about it. So, we both messed around a little.

    Sadly, he contracted HIV and ultimately died. I’ve now been alone for nearly 20 years. If I were to choose again between career and love, I’d probably choose love. Especially if I knew what I know now. I’ve had great success, but I am alone. Seniors, in most parts of the country, are invisible in gay society. Exceptions, of course.

    All I know is I’m alone. I’ve made a couple of attempts in recent years to build a life with someone else. When all the sex you want is usually within arm’s reach, there doesn’t seem to be the same motivation for a committed relationship. The long distance relationships, which are usually the offering in online hookups, NEVER work. For me. For anyone else I’ve talked to. If you’re a lucky one, I’m happy for you. What are you doing here?

    I’m not gonna ever be ready to be a fuck buddy or be in an open relationship. Those are fine for those who are comfortable with them. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe I saw too many Doris Day movies as a kid and still want that picket fence and those lace curtains.

    I’m a decent looking, self sufficient, reasonably sane 70-year old with nice homes and lifestyle. But I’m alone. That should be a 4-letter word. If you’re trying to decide whether a committed relationship is worth the effort, find the right guy and work at it. Be everything you want him to be. Best of luck. There’s probably still time for you to make it work.

  34. John...

    “When we got married 2 months ago, we pledged our “fidelity” to each other. Fidelity doesn’t have to mean “monogamy.”

    That’s not a married relationship, it’s just an arrangement for the convenience of not having to face up to any real responsibilities. It will only last if neither of you are willing to admit you are wrong and that’s called codependency. Enjoy!

  35. Mike

    Guys. There is a big difference between sex and love. Love your long distance partner–but have sex with local fuck buds/ hookups. Agree ahead of time on limits (condoms always,etc). Don’t lose a relationship over a blow job in the gym steam room. To be horny and alone – and told you cannot fuck – just leads to resentment. It’s sex. Get off. Blow some loads. But keep the intimacy for the BF. We are men. One benefit of being a man is we can separate sex from love. Take advantage of this natural skill

  36. Fairprince

    Sex is a sure difference I am still single and not had sex since October last year due to the fact that I would like more than sex , sure your hand works well and lube is a temporary comfort
    however I want more than temporary ,I want the whole cake ,I would be faithful though some guys cannot go without sex it’s something in them others can do without it for long
    I do regret that I had not followed through with a long distance relationship we chatted etc for a year ,or more then he decided he was going to be celibate for life ,I am a lover looking for another for life I am very faithful to relationships they are sacred to me

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