Speak Out : HIV Satus Disclosure – Part 2

(This post is an opinion from a member and may not reflect Adam4Adam’s opinion. Everybody is free to choose, and we are not here to judge anyone)

Recently I received a response from from a reader who went on a cruise of 2800 gay guys.  On the cruise they had set up poz meetings so other HIV positive guys could hang out.  He mentioned that only 5 guys showed up.  That doesn’t seem right but it got me thinking.

When I lived in Chicago I use to go to this HIV party on Thursday nights.  It was at a bar so I would stop after work.  The first time I went there were 15 people.  It didn’t get much bigger than that as time went on.  There would be a few stragglers in and out but it was usually the same 15 of us.  I knew there had to be more HIV positive guys in a city like Chicago.

I know a lot of guys don’t wear their status on the sleeves and I really don’t either but sometimes I feel like the only HIV positive person in the room.  I think it’s this new philosophy that if you are on meds and undetectable you aren’t HIV positive…. But undetectable and negative are two different things.

The best thing to do if you need to reach out to other HIV positive guys is go to your local AIDS project and volunteer, join a group, create a group.  Make friends with other HIV positive guys and keep them close.  Remember, you aren’t the only HIV positive guy out there.

Comments?  Thoughts?


g skorich AKA eastvalley

There are 105 comments

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  1. John...

    “I think it’s this new philosophy that if you are on meds and undetectable you aren’t HIV positive…. But undetectable and negative are two different things.”

    Yes I see “undetectable” used a lot in profiles on here, used as an attempt to minimize the risk of having sex with that person, kind of like lying that doesn’t look like lying.

    While “undetectable” is good for the HIV+ person and THEIR health it doesn’t mean it’s any safer for anyone else who has sex with them.

    This doesn’t mean that HIV+ people should be shunned or that one can’t have safe sex with them, just that there are people who lie flat out about it and others who use “undetectable” in order to better their chances of getting laid. I steer clear of both kinds myself, since I find both to be dishonest people.

  2. charles

    when those who are hiv+ (open or not) stop lettn these dumb fucks make them feel like side show freaks, then things will change!!!!!!!I truely believe that everyone has shit they dont wanna tell the world regarding the shit they do so i refuse to let ANYBODY make me feel less than.To quote the old school chat line…..heres the next guy.if it hasnt accured to most that the folk who do unprotected sex or open to it are hiv+ or prime future candidates for it, i dont know whatelse will fix their head, but drinkin the koolaid aint helpn.have respect for urself and buy u a toy if its that important to u.Im nobodys bitch so no one has controll of my feeling im worth all that is just and good.

  3. Ray Rai

    I think this is a really good article. yes, it is true, many guys out here are HIV positive and don’t disclose, unfortunately, the stigma attached to being positive is still very much alive, thus leading guys to lead healthy lives, take their meds, protect those they sleep with, while protecting themselves from those they sleep with, all the while never telling or sharing their status…

  4. Jay

    Whenever I see the word “pig” in a profile, it’s almost always followed by the word “poz.”

    What is the relationship between those two words?

  5. sjohnson

    “join a group, create a group” from you story, we all know that doesn’t work. most of the guys that are hiv+ doesn’t want it known. that’s why it isn’t posted on ads. and when you ask their status, if it isn’t listed, they feel offended that you even asked. personally i would not want to hook up with a “known” positive. and yes protection is imperative since gays will lie about it anyway. look at the ones who have been told “no, i am – and end up +”……

  6. sjohnson

    “join a group, create a group” from your story, we all know that doesn’t work. most of the guys that are hiv+ doesn’t want it known. that’s why it isn’t posted on ads. and when you ask their status, if it isn’t listed, they feel offended that you even asked. personally i would not want to hook up with a “known” positive. and yes protection is imperative since gays will lie about it anyway. look at the ones who have been told “no, i am – and end up +”……

  7. Radiotech

    You’re right. I sometimes see people say they’re undetectable, but then their profile also says Anything Goes, and it just doesn’t make sense to me. Some of them can be extremely hot, too, but if they’re not going to have Safe Sex, I’m not gonna hook up with them. Just because they’re undetectable doesn’t mean I can’t still catch it from them if I’m not careful. I AM happy, though, to see that at least they’re being honest about their status. That way, the ball is in my court. “Am I going to risk infection with HIV for this guy?” I’d certainly rather it NOT be a surprise if I was to be infected.

  8. Steve

    I’ve actually gone to my local AIDS organization to do just that but was immediately struck by a couple of problems.

    I’m in CA and I don’t know if this is true nationally, but I was advised that AIDS organizations here are prohibited from providing any sort activity outside the charter of education/prevention — so, no “social” events — because that would be seen as somehow furthering the spread of HIV.

    Included in my proposals was fundraising. Weirdly — and I probably shouldn’t go into specifics — because we have the largest and fastest growing POZ population of any county in CA (clue: we are NOT SF OR LA county), we have effectively the largest budget in state. Because of this (and several other related reasons), it is imperative that the local group stay OFF the public radar; in other words, no fundraising or other functions that would call attention to their presence.

    Bizarre to say the least but almost certainly something that doesn’t help lift the stigma.

  9. Alex

    I suspect a very large reason for people not wanting to admit publicly that they are HIV positive is because they are treated like the scourge of the earth, even in their own gay community. Pffffffft. Some community! In the 1980s, the fastest growing epidemic in America was not AIDS, but FEAR of AIDS. We new then, and we know now, that the only combatant for this fear is education. We can write all the pamphlets we want and produce all the online information that’s possible, but if people are too fucking lazy to read it, there’s nothing we can do. It proves the old adage: we can lead a horse to water, but we can’t make him drink. That’s why I always say to people, “I know what to do. You should too.”

  10. Michael Rooks

    Thank you I was tested positive one year ago. And I have learned to (because of advice from others and my own experience) to be more discrete about my condition. I am doing very well. I am undetectable as many are, and I take my meds regularly. I am and always be open to those who get “that close to me”, I would never wish this on any living soul. First, there are so many meds out there now, and we don’t have to live under the time clock or demise. We that live with this are usually healthier than those who are not as respondent.

  11. Christopher

    Look at the number of replies you got, a paltry 62, or a THIRD of the number garnered by “cock shots”, numbering 187.

    You can see “what’s where” just by those number alone.

    Pretty sad that not more posters to such a relevant issue facing us right now, or as some do, “dig their heads in the sand”……

    The most apathetic time in history….

  12. Kirk

    I completely agree with you. I just moved from DC to Nashville. In DC we had a group known as HOPE-DC. We all got together once a month for a social and a brunch. It was great to get to know a few hundred guys (not all attended all the time). Here in Nashville its not like that. I have guys constantly hit me up on here saying oh I’m poz too, as I wear my status proudly. I have been meaning to look into setting up a social here in Nashville. This article is a great inspiration for that.



  13. Steve

    I don’t get this blog. What’s the point? Is there a question? The title’s subject isn’t broached in the article. Disclosure in support groups? Huh?

  14. BearOKC69

    The low numbers aren’t surprising…look at A4A right now…I did and of the 377 online in OKC only 13 are self-identified as Poz.

    I personally know of many guys that either leave status blank, put don’t know (when they do) or just flat-out lie about it and say they are Neg. Some of those may mistakenly think that since they are undetectable that they are Neg. I asked my HIV dr about that and she said no, you are Poz and can’t give blood etc. While it is highly unlikely that I can pass it on, there is always a risk. I have always leaned towards being honest and for years even though I was testing Neg, I always put “Don’t know” because I knew that it can take up to 3 months (some sites say 6 months) for it to show up in a test. I am sexually active (ok, I am a slut) and know that I had been with many guys during that 3 to 6 month period and you just don’t know.

    Once I found out I was Poz and had contacted everyone that I could in person, I updated my profile to Poz. Not because I was proud about it, but it was the right thing to do. I took it a step further and have it in multiple places (it is amazing how many people don’t read a profile completely). And still when I ask someone, “you know I am Poz, right?” There are still those that say, “What? Sorry, thats a deal breaker…I don’t do Poz guys”

  15. Dan

    I think any person that let’s others know they are HIV positive are brave and definitely worthy of my respect. Those people that continue to hide their status be it HIV, herpes, or chlamydia_for that matter and continue to engage in risky sexual activities are the ones that should be demonized. Those people that get revenge by infecting others are sexual predators, monsters !

  16. Darryl

    Disclosure of your HIV Status is a very touchy subject. One the one hand it’s important to be honest with anyone you’re involved with. I understand why Men keep that information to themselves. There has to be a way to enjoy having sex, that we all enjoy. Poz Men need some love too, so please use the best judgement so all of us can live the best life. You can have great sex, and be HIV Positive. Even if the virus is undetectable, why risk becoming re infected again after given a second chance.

  17. InBmore

    I think it’s a little easier said than done. I’ve only been positive for 5 months and none of my family or friends know! I know there are a bunch of groups here for poz guys, but at this point, I can’t bring myself to go because I’m afraid I’ll see someone I know. It’s really not a part of my story that I’m ready to tell, no matter how much I’d like to connect with other poz guys.

  18. Jay Cole

    With the HIV Educators still preaching “if you meet someone and they tell you or you find out they are HIV RUN LIKE HELL AND DON’T LEAVE A VAPOR TRAIL or you might get it” why would any HIV+ person want to go somewhere that identifies them as POZ. And if you happen to find an intelligent gay man who understands and doesn’t run, he then is labeled POZ by association.
    Support Groups – at least in my area are frequented by drug/alcohol abusers, emotionally/cognitive deficient who feel the whole session is a chance to explain to the world how horrible it is that “they” got AIDS and the only reason they go to the meetings is in hopes someone will offer “help” to further enable them to not change and take care of themselves.
    So if you don’t go to church, bars, bathhouses or HIV support groups. Just how do you find someone? I’m 20 years poz and know that many guys don’t get involved because they remember the days when you could loose a dozen friends/lovers in a month. The hurt is too much.

  19. Chris

    18 is when I found out I was positive and now I’m 24. I’m not going to lie when I say I wish I could meet other people who are HIV+, but I’m so afraid to disclose my status. I know there are plenty of people out there who support people living with HIV/AIDS or have it themselves, but I’m starting to notice that many people in our community(GLBT)speak badly about people living with HIV. When I’m living between Minneapolis or Chicago I notice that many men around my age shame people that are living with HIV with negative comments. Normally if they don’t like a person they’ll create a fake profile page making sure that everyone knows the person is HIV+ even if it’s not true. For myself I know there are plenty of people living with HIV. As of now, I feel I like I absolutely can not disclose my status. All I can do is make sure that I have safe sex, because I would never want to spread this virus to another human. I’m not brave enough yet.

  20. Undetectable

    I agree with you that 99% of people who are undetectable think of themselves as Neg. A lot of other online sites offer that as a choice for HIV Status. You can choose, Neg, Pos, Undetectable or unknown. Maybe A4A should consider that as an option. I know someone who is undetectable is not Neg, but I have also heard the chance of spreading HIV is very low? Just a thought. Do you have any information on studies being done on people who are undetectable and have never been sick about their chance of spreading HIV?

  21. Tommy

    Hi, well i can sure tell you that here in el paso texas, there are a lot of guys that are HIV+ but are not letting anyone know, the reason i know who is positive is cuz a friend of mine works on those HIV awareness mobile trailers and he knows who is and who isnt. so i was shocked and here in texas, if a guy is positive and has multi partners they dont go to jail or get punished..To me i think that IS WRONG and should be punished..why keep it a secret, if you got it let the guys u sleep with know..why punish them. now if that guys doesnt use protection well shame on him..i get tested every 6 months and use protection and thank god im still HIV-..yes i been scared before where a condom may rip and that is the scariest feeling. but i been lucky..i try and help as well and speak out and let guys know to use protection, but it goes in one ear and out the other..u can only do so much..or i can tell u this they get mad if you tell them to protect themselves, they start telling you “Who the hell u are my momma” ummm no just a friend who cares. guys now are just to crazy.

  22. heartfelt

    This message really spoke to me. Being HIV negative, I know the worries it is to stay that way. People in the world are quick to judge and simply have no remorse for others. In a country that was built on tolerance and acceptance, people who are different always seem to be shunned. Instead of embracing each other, we posh each other so much that someone his rock bottom. Try smiling at every person you pass, and noticed the reaction. Today it seems people either think you’re strange or want something from small gestures of kindness. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. “ONE LOVE….. DAMNED RIGHT I SUPPORT IT.”

  23. AethyrTop

    I’ve found that, over time, the way I meet other Poz guys has had to adapt. At first, there were no options. Then, the internet came along and changed all that. But, there was no central outlet for everybody to meet. Only in the past few years have sites that catered to Pos guys appeared. My biggest beef with A4A is that they don’t allow searched for poz guys from other poz guys. Yes, we all know there is a button to click if you are poz. But all that does is flash a huge red light asking all the haters and bigots to harass you. No thanks! Not a fun thing, after you have more than 20 attacks in one night. So, someone like me is forced to talk someone up for a few moments, then drop the HIV bomb on them. I can’t tell you how many disappointed guys I’ve created on here. A4A could really do themselves a huge service by allowing searches for guys who do post their status. But it would be better if we could do the search WITHOUT having to reveal our status to everybody else. As for bars hosting Poz guys…well, frankly, the gay bar as we used to know it is going the way of the land line telephone: down the drain! So, why wouldn’t we expect poz guys meeting at gay bars to go downhill, too? The way of the future is online. And catering to those of us left with HIV would only benefit any online meeting site. That’s where the sex is nowadays!

  24. Brian

    I definitely have some strong feelings about this topic:
    I know there are some men I have come into contact with on adam4adam who are HIV+ and have not told me until after we have been chatting for several days or even weeks, esp when we were very close to meeting/hooking up.

    I am safe to assume that I (and many other men) have unknowingly hooked up with men who were positive. While that disgusts me, I doesn’t shock me in the least.

    I am very sensitive to this subject b/c I have herpes and just like HIV, you have a stigma, a Hester Prynne “A” stitched on your chest and your are considered damage goods and you know that no healthy man would ever want you for sex, let alone for a relationship. Sad but true…

  25. Joe

    most people on here cant even say if they are negative. If you have had any encounters since your last test, you may be positive. What you do with someone positive or negative in this day and time should be the exact same thing.

    For a group that has had so much stuff to deal with, we are the most narrow minded judgmental narcissistic group of people I have ever seen. We are out there instead of stopping the spread we are out there possibly killing each other — doing something the fundamentalists could not do to us. We would rather get off then to not spread and mutate a virus — at whatever cost . It saddens me because we are not going to change and so few people speak up anyway.

    Why does A4A allow anything goes?

  26. KC

    I think its just hard for some of us. The stigma within our own gay community is overwhelming at times. I have been positive for a little under a year. Found out October 5th. I live in a smaller city and I find it impossible to be comfortable with my mind and body anymore. I have finally got to start going to a support group at the clinic I go to. But there is s lack of people my own age. Not that the older generation can’t help with the feelings its just harder sometimes to click with someone who is 20 yrs older than you. I know there are other guys my age out there going through the same things I am I hope soon that I can mix in with that croud so I don’t feel so alone. I have also just signed up to volunteer. So hopefully that will get me in a group that I can feel comfortable with.

  27. cuszalot

    Excellent post/blog
    Thank you AKA eastvalley!

    Believe it or not, this is a segment of our community, (closeted or not). Whether or not we choose to judge one another, it is still important to express, speak out and primarily “act” out, preventing HIV from infecting another person, (friend, hookup, date, nsa, what-ever, etc). Please recognize facts, the most important being “your” health, or that this is a preventable desease issue.

    If at all possible, be involved or “get” involved to what ever capacity your lifestyle allows of your time. Thank you.

  28. scott

    i notice lots of men on a4a lie about their hiv status. the way you do it? pretend everyone is poz and go from there. in my opinion, hiv is private and confidential.

  29. Matt

    The bottom line is that honesty is best no matter what. If a POZ guy gets shunned on all levels by another guy for his status then that is a good thing in the sense that the person shunning him is a bigot and probably has other mental garbage going on as well. It is still a crime in many jurisdictions to be POZ and have sex with someone and NOT disclose up front. Meds are wonderful, but our attitudes and laws have not kept pace.

  30. seth

    I agree with group meetings & stuff, but heres my problem.. I live in Tampa, Fl & we have a health center down here where you can go get tested, go to meeting if you become or are positive. Sounds get & all except for this major problem; those that work make it their agenda, mission, & highest priority to let every single person that knows you, is associated with you, or trying to date you know your hiv status.. Now someone like me who is still grasping and dealing with being newly diagnosed, I personally don’t feel comfortable completwly everyone know i’m HIV positive(that doesn’t mean i just hppk up with some guy & don’t tell or use protection).. My thing is this, thpse meetings are supposed to be a place of support, understanding, comfort; a place to get advice when you confused about things, instead it turns out to be a place where your ” laundry” is aired out to the public. Why should I go? From my experience, I find it better for me to tell people about my status on my own terms & when comfortable.. As far as dealing newly hiv positive, I learn something years ago when my closest friend ended up being positive.. HAVE A GOOD SUPPORT SYSTEM for you, just like any other disease, its the support of your family & friends that gets you through the day & trust me somdtimes without them I couldn’t maks it through the day..

  31. John

    I completely understand you blog, belonging to a community that share commun interests is one of the best thing an individual can do to get support, talk about his problems, or simply just meet people. Having said that, we still live in a society where HIV people are discriminated, judged and rejected socially. I’m not saying its not getting, better, there have been great progress on the matter, but I think that lot of individual ( gay or not) wish to keep their medical status private and only share with those who are close to them, and with those whom they engage in sexual encounter with.
    I think that should be respected, and nobody should over encourage any one to disclose their medical conditions, under of course, in the Case of HIV, when somebody else’s health could be compromise, again like in a sexual intercourse, visit to the dentist, etc.
    I think that if you organize an event for HaiV positive people, and only 15 people attend, you should make the best of it and understand that it does not represent the HIV population of a certain location, but rather those who are willing to take time, willing to meet people and willing to publicly dusclose their HUV statutes.

  32. gabe

    As nice as that sounds. Some guys won’t even tell you they have hiv untill your close to having sex with the dude. That happen to me during sex. Never again will I fall for a trick like that. I’m lucky I’m still hiv negative. Otherwise , i would have been hiv positive.

  33. Pozguy133

    Being poz also I do feel its important to bu up front witness my status. I wish the guy that infected me was. But I’m sure it was from someone I hooked up with at a bath house. The thing is I was the stupid one to play unsafe. I have no one to blame but my self for becoming poz. But I am now and I don’t regret it. I prefer bb sex. Now I don’t worry about HIV. Hell I am poz already. I’m just glad with the meds now that I am healthy undetectable and in good shape. But how I said earlier. It’s no ones fault but my own for not being safe in the first place. I’m sure I infected guys before I found out I was positive. But now even on my profile I’m up front with it and believe it or not I hook up more then I did before.

  34. alter egos

    I have two profiles on here, everything is the same except the pictures and one says I’m positive and the other is blank. Guys that won’t give my positive profile the time of day, will try like crazy to hook up with my blank profile. I rarely get invested in these guys because I know how things are going to turn out once I do disclose.

  35. Jeff

    Why is gay sex more dangerous than high cholestoral?

    When I first became HIV positive I went to a local HIV/AIDS project for help. The attendee’s there have a firm grip on what it’s like to be HIV positive and to be living on the streets and in homeless shelters. However, they do not seem to have much experience of dealing with the stresses of working 40 hours a week while having HIV. This is not a criticism; it is just a personal view from my own experience. I cannot relate to the experiences of having HIV on the streets, so I don’t go to HIV/AIDS project offices anymore.

    Aside from that social economic divide, the few healthy people in the discussion groups of locals HIV/AIDS Projects, who are on their feet with jobs and are living with HIV long term, preached during the meetings of how you need to use condoms whether you’re poz or not. Those same people have hit me up on bbrt when the meeting is over. I cannot tolerate that level of ignorance and I believe no self-respecting, educated person should tolerate it either.

    If you are scared and just found out you are poz, yes a local HIV/AIDS project can help get through it, but do not expect to get the facts. These local projects still march with AIDS ribbons as if it’s 1980, when gay men were thrown out of their homes simply for being gay. We are past that period in time. Domestic partnership is on the rise, we need to revamp the way we approach the epidemic. We are loosing the “fight against AIDS” because we are not socially progressing parallel with medicine.

    Human nature dictates that the condom will come off. Until medical professionals get realistic on this fact about human beings then nothing will change socially.

    The way people are kept in the dark on the facts of HIV is barbaric. In my opinion, doctors need to inform sexually active gay men that if they chose to take the condom off it will be okay, they wont immediately die.
    Personally, when I was negative I would have preferred to hear “If you do leave yourself open to infection and you do contract HIV, It will be troublesome and it will tax your body… But you will be okay.” I would have been able to make a much clearer more educated decision on whether or not to use a condom if someone told me that instead of;


    If you tell someone not to do something, by instinct most will do it based on the instruction not to. Farther more, I wouldn’t have spent 5 years after infection in a depressive state because I believed I was a dirty faggot from having HIV. I feel I’ve been directly and subliminally taught that statement all my life from 1981 to present. Now that’s barbaric.

    You won’t die tomorrow if you take care of yourself today. That’s a pretty straightforward notion, isn’t it? Patients who can’t curb their high fat diets get Lipitor. Ones with high blood pressure who smoke get prescribed diuretics.

    So what is wrong with doctors telling their gay male patients about Truvada? Now approved for prophylactic use against HIV. You can take Truvada and sleep easy at night and not have to live a life of fear and shame… For $600 for a 30 day supply that is. But I digress.

    Why is it that a doctor can tell a fat person they’ll be okay eating McDonald’s if they take Lipitor or that an 75 year old man can take Viagra and risk heart attack to have sex. BUT they can’t seem to be able to instruct a gay guy that if they do feel the need to have unprotected sex they can take Truvada? Or if they can’t afford Truvada and they can’t stop having unprotected sex they should ask their partner what medications they are on, etc. Start the ball rolling on the knowledge for the patient! Be realistic!

    The facts are warped and the facts are hidden within a socially inept society unable to see past each individual’s own needs and personal biased opinions on others.

    Ignorance is bliss? Yes it is! So why aren’t gay guys allowed to partake? Or is it only for fat straight people who eat McDonald’s take Viagra and love Jesus?

    In defense of the good medical professionals out there, I can say that when I went to the free HIV/AIDS clinic I was handed condoms and told “..use these like you should have…“ Then when I changed doctors and went to a private infectious disease practice in an affluent area the physician told me “A good number of my HIV+ patients are married women in their 50’s who’s husbands have been living alternate lifestyles on the side.” And he also told me “You are not medicated yet, you are highly infectious right now, be very careful of the type of sex you have and who you have it with.”

    Not once did he give me a condom, didn’t even see any in the office. Probably because he knew damn well I wasn’t going use it.

    I don’t see them giving out bean sprouts at the cardiologist office.

    I believe the key factor here is education. Education on part of those who are educating!

    I don’t tell a trick I’m poz if he doesn’t ask. I sincerely don’t have enough time to educate all of these men who simply don’t know any better. Especially when I’m not even infectious!!

    Doctors are supposed to be teaching, not a trick off the street.

    But I do challenge this, if anyone wants to start a website project with me where we provide actual medical facts, references and knowledge for negative men. I am all about it… Contact me. But on that note, I also profess if there’s one morbid AIDS ribbon involved I’m walking away.

    This is a time to feel joy about the advances we’ve made. Not sit around crying about the past and throwing shame in every direction. I doubt those we’ve lost to the epidemic would want to see the hate and fear continue like this when it doesn’t have to.

    Most Gay HIV- men have no idea how “in the dark” they really are. Living lives of fear for no reason what so ever.

  36. MJ

    I learned I was HIV+ two years ago and up until recently chose celibacy because I was terrified of rejection and possibly infefting someone. I tell people before I even meet them. Its not on my profile because I don’t want the whole world to know and well…. people love to talk. But the bottom line… I tell the truth. I’ve been rejected almost every time, or eventually get the friend card, and the guys are always kind. Know your status and own it. Its not who you are, but it is something you carry with you. Protect yourselsoand those around you…. its the right the to do. The
    Stigma behind HIV is still out there, but as a positive individual its opportunity to help end it and let people know we are the same as everyone else.

  37. Truth Hurts

    Does anyone know there is a 45 day window to know your status? If you “negative” guys are having unprotected sex you should take sole responsibility for your actions. As humans we all have free will and if you’re going out fucking every dude without a condom you should know the risk. You are NOT a victim! You chose to let a complete stranger but their bodily fluids in you so why should it be the other guys fault? That’s the problem with homos these day. They are all a bunch of scared fags who wanna blame everyone else for their mistakes. “He didn’t tell me” “I promise I’m not a whore!” They want to cover up their thirst for sex. Be real! You’re a whore and it’s no ones fault but yours u got infected! If you don’t wanna get infected use a damn condom or chose one sex partner u trust and get tested together! Is that so hard? But stop blaming everyone else! You get what u put out!

  38. Marco

    The only way anyone should prosecute someone with infecting them is if they’re in a committed relationship and one cheats and gets infected and then infects his partner or being raped and getting infected that way. But you’re gonna prosecute someone for a hook up? When they probably chose not to use a condom? That’s not a case for prosecution or jail time. If you are out there having multiple sexy partners and not protecting yourself you know the risk! That’s your choice!! So stop acting like a victim and take responsibility for your own actions! Protect yourself or know the consequences!

  39. Nolan

    Maybe only 5 guys showed up because they were busy doing other things on a cruise (or doing each other, even — hell, it’s a cruise, not a drum circle). Maybe the “HIV Thursday” you went to wasn’t well attended because there were other things going on on Thursday nights…or that Thursday isn’t typically a “busy bar night” anyway.

    Not everyone who is + needs to segregate himself with other people who are HIV+. Some see it as a disease…and therefore something personal that doesn’t need to be shared with a group of strangers that you’ve never met and will likely never see again.

    Maybe these were seen more as “support group” type things….that not everyone needs or wants to attend. Some people are happy taking their meds and don’t need their lives to revolve around their HIV status any more than they need their lives to revolve around high cholesterol/blood pressure or any other relatively manageable condition.

  40. cubancocksucker

    i much prefer having total intamacy with an hiv poz man…however this does not always work because an asshole is an asshole and awareness comes from within…living in Miami you would think there are more support clubs like you mention…but no way Jose

  41. SAMMIR


  42. Oliver Gardiner

    Out of 2800 gay men only 5 showed up for a poz function? You are right, that percentage is very skewed. In reality, I would estimate at least 10% of the men on the cruise were positive. How empowering a gathering of 280 men who happened to be both gay and HIV+ would have been!

    Yet the reality is some men do not want to be defined (confined?) by the virus, whether the reaction is acceptance or rejection. After all, if the gathering is primarily social, there is no compelling reason to identify oneself as HIV infected. Sexual negotiations are another matter and the discussion of status (if it occurs at all) may have been on a one-to-one basis. I mean, it’s bad enough to have to segregate oneself to go on a cruise specially tailored to gay sensibilities. Being poz acknowledges yet another subset — a social/sexual ghetto within a ghetto; it can be thought not desirable.

  43. Ron M Syracuse

    Have been 6 years yup yup became poz at 55. Was given negative results,a month later a resident over work recorded oppps you’re poz. In that month infected partner of now 18 years. He also has s husbear of 35 years. We have been under one roof 5 years and loving it.
    The wilder sites say poz undectable. On A4A my status is obviously poz by looking for anythings goes sex and no status. Anyone we connect with they are told our status. So have been thinking of butting it on profile actually everyone got to know we know how word travels in small town.

  44. s.wonder

    Ever since she arrived at UNMC in 1991, Dr. Swindells has been the primary mover behind all the changes in HIV care. Her research has indicated less than 99.9% chance of HIV transmission when safe sex practices are deployed.

    That raises an interesting perspective of the entire scope of STDs and transmission in gay populations. It may too suggest safe sex is prudent regardless of HIV status…other STDs are sometimes a greater danger but the disclosure of them is not as critically addressed. There aren’t check boxes on social media sites for other STDs, even though they potentially cause equal or greater risks. This isn’t meant to understate the HIV risks, but a suggestion that alienation, isolation and discrimination of HIV positive individuals is not justified and suggestions that they be separated from the general population and activity is bigotry.

  45. John G

    Being POZ since ’85 I have found many guys look down on you as if your trash. You are a treated like a walking disease. The thing with some guys is that they go to these get together’s just to see who is and than point guys that are out to others.
    I dated a guy that found out he was and every time we went out he would say “He is ” and point to someone that he seen in the Aids clinic or meetings he was in. Even my own family has the believe that once you get it you only have a year to live. As I had lost a brother to it through a blood transfusion in the late ’80’s and died about a year later.
    I don’t tell many guys I dated over the years about it unless they asked and always was very careful together. Two of them new about me,we dated for 3-4years and they tested neg all the time we dated.
    What many people don’t understand, up until recently one lived with it as a death sentence. In ’05 due to cancer I went on med’s and as of 2010 I’m undetectable.AND still being careful.

  46. Jed Knight

    I actually think that this website as well as any other that caters to gay men and is basically a hookup site, is off their rockers for persuading people to disclose their HIV status and a public forum for anyone and everyone to read.

    For starters, the man you mentioned who is said to have infected over 300 men, I feel sorry for him, if he knowingly infected people, and do not purpose. And he is a psychopath. Adding a column that gives participants the ability to disclose anything about their HIV status is pointless. People can simply lie.

    The biggest problem I have with this is that it compounds the already big problem of the stigma that gay men show towards each other. I think if I were going to start a website where Damon could interact it would be nonsexual. And I think that providing a forum for men to connect and communicate with each other should not be discriminatory. There are people on this site that I would love to be friends with, but they simply ignore my profile when I put my HIV status is positive. Remember 50 years ago people were dying of all kinds of things that they now have cures for.

    Remember all the important gay men who have died, it really sucks. But there will be a cure soon. And giving people the ability to lie means that they will. And they do. There are many people on this site who say they are HIV negative, and safe sex only, but will still take a rock cock and lie about their status.

    Of course if you are unaffected by this virus then you have no idea, and the person who went on this cruise experience exactly what you would expect, in order to avoid stigmatism by his fellow gay brothers, it is necessary to lie.

    Dumb idea, it should be taken off entirely.

  47. Dale

    If I read between the lines here, you are bitching because there is still a stigma within the gay community regarding HIV status. You feel ostracized and isolated with your HIV + status, correct?

    There seems to be a double standard and a sense of denial within the gay community and the sexual community, as you mention HIV + status is not the same thing as undetectable, if you are sexually active we all ought to assume anyone we come in contact with sexually is HIV +.

    Again if I read between the lines of your rant, you are not seeking friends, you are seeking hookups and sexual partners. I am guessing on the cruise that is exactly why the mixer was set up to identify who was and who was not, and to segregate the “lepers.”

    It amazes me that after all the years of education, ribbon wearing, death, bigotry, hate bashers and plain simple ignorance we have not moved forward. HIV + should never be a stumbling block for anyone. It must be acknowledged for what it is– a disease– and nothing else.

  48. Alan

    Thoughts? I guess there aren’t many here. But I will say the gay community is full of facades, and so it would follow suit that many hiv positive guys are hiding status behind a picture of good health.

    Not disclosing when asked is shady and shameful.

  49. Seattle76

    I feel it is both parties are obligated to ask.. Someone may have been tested neg like 6 months but how many encounters since..

    I was poked with a needle at a B-day party.. Didn’t feel it either.. Same guy infected over 35 other guys BUT nobody knows who it was..

  50. Keith King

    Very human result as state of the fear and ignorance which still exists about HIV vs and or AIDS. I don’t think too many folks would be surprised at that statistical observation. On the flip side if I may be so bold…I feel like the only guy whom isn’t HIV poz sometimes. I suppose depending on the various times one logs on to any a4a type site or just randomly, I see some pretty kool posts as well as the guy being attractive. I sometimes think in my frustrated search that it’d be easier if I was poz! Also that perhaps it’s just a matter of time til I’m given basic human error and devious types that will lie about their poz status. Idk, I also want to be accepting of poz guy’s sexually but need to reeducate myself on one being undetectable.

  51. marc

    40% of people who are HIV positive do not know they are, say U.S. government health experts. So even if a guy says he is negative, he may not be. Plus, he may have just been tested the week before and deemed negative but is now positive. You have to assume that a guy is positive when you have sex and follow your thoughts and deeds from there.

  52. JR

    Since my diagnosis back in 1997, I’ve never attended any Pos meetings of any type here in Dallas, because of the stigma that goes with the illness and doubly being a gay, pos, Black man.
    I met a great guy back in 2010 who was negative and he understood my pos undetectable status. We dated for almost a year, and we were sexually active on a regular basis and he was still negative when we parted ways. He and a couple of my friends know of my status.
    How do (we) pos guys get pass the stigma and be able to live and love again?

  53. Michael

    Unfortunately I feel this is true and that men now feel that non-detect is not positive. I am HIV neg, but have nothing against anyone. Why should I ..there are worse things in life I feel. Also too I think this attitude promotes promiscuity and further diminishes the viewpoint and attitudes of other gay men that could otherwise be positive. Is the gay lifestyle really only about I hardly think so and I would hope that even on this site..more men collectively would stand up for monogamy as well…it’s time ! Positive or negative…we all have a place. And it starts with being honest and being nice to others as well. Are we not kicked around by others than to kick ourselves around too ?

  54. rm

    i have been reaching out to pos guys in the last year – not for sex – for enlightenment… i’ve met with a few, i’ve discovered i feel dishonest going between pos and negative guys – i’ll have a pos boy friend but going back and forth between pos and neg bothers me… – i’m also not sure i want to exclude a lot of great men because of status… just some feedback – it’s a livable condition if you love someone

  55. mike

    Everything is a big lie. Plain and simple.

    Im a “bi oral only” guy. Yet I can’t count how many guys have tried to sit on my cock or try to be smooth and top me. Never once has one pulled out a condom. Every one “safe only and neg”

    It blows my fucking mind. I realize I’m taking a level of risk at what I do, but I do try to minimize it.

    The thought of letting a complete stranger shoot in my ass 5 minutes after we meet is not anywhere on my radar screen, yet it seems like everyone else just doesn’t give it a second thought.

    Guys who list as anything goes and poz, in my opinion are awesome. They are being upfront and honest and I respect that.
    I feel guilty “rejecting” them because I am certain that I’ve met plenty that SHOULD list that way but a simple checkmark in another box all of a sudden changes things.

  56. Kyori2907

    Had this one FB that is undetectable (he did not disclose his status with me) and we played unsafe for about a little bit over a year. He moved away, told me that he is undetectable, I got tested and still neg, just saying

  57. M

    I completely agree I wouldn’t be positive if someone hadn’t have lied to me and the condom broke and still lied to me but that’s beside the point. I swore I would never put anyone in my shoes and have changed my status to HIV positive on my profile. What disgusts me the most is how many people that hit me up and say they are positive when their profile says negative…..

  58. in thity+ relationship....

    I am not living with HIV, so I don,t feel that qualified to comment, but I find it interesting that this has been posted for a couple of days and no one has a comment, but a posting of some hot stud,s picture will prompt tons of comments about his eyebrow trimming to the color of his speedos. Interesting priorities…..I guess it is adam4adam…more abour sucking and fucking than more serious issues

  59. Thom Eugene

    Being poz, I am angry at people, like Jeff, who made the inane statement statement that though he is poz and undetectable he. is not infectious. Come on!!!!! Just because you are undetectable doesn’t mean you are not infectious OR negative. You are poz. Deal with it. As far as social groups go we have an awesome support group here in Eugene every Wednesday where we have dinner and play cards.

  60. dan

    I see people are confusing what it means to disclose your status. If you are HIV+, have herpes or some other STD, you don’t have to tell the whole world about it. You don’t have to wear a red letter on your shirt or shout it out through a megaphone.But you DO have to tell anyone you are going to have sexual relations with. Everyone wants to have sex, it’s natural. What’s not natural is having a potentially life threatening infection and spreading it to other people without them knowing. So if you are going to have sex, you better wear a condom just like you would wear a seat belt in your car. You never know when the next drunken maniac is headed your way. Don’t be a sexual predator by hiding your status !

  61. Mark

    Being poz over 30 years, since the beginning of the epidemic, I am still amazed that HIV negative guys still freak out when one is being honest. I find it ironic that many guys want truth and honestly in a relationship and once that is given, they freak!

    As for the gentleman that had sex with over 300 guys–sorry I don’t buy it. I think he is being scapegoated by those in the community because they don’t want to take responsibility for their own action.

  62. PozCub

    I am an out HIV+ gay man. I never lie about it. It is on my profiles everywhere. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me. My honesty might piss a few people off, but I feel better about myself for it.

  63. Michael

    Rule One on hooking up. Assume everyone is positive.
    Rule Two on hooking up. Assume everyone is lying about their negative status.
    Rule Three on hooking up. Always use a condom.

    So in reality, one’s status is irrelevant if one ALWAYS uses a condom.

  64. Reggie

    I have been poz for over 25 years. At this point, I have no reservations about disclosing my status. I do understand that other poz folks may not feel this way. However, I won’t lie about my status for the sake of sex or because it might make others uncomfortable. I feel that after living healthily for this long with the virus I have been empowered to be continue to educate myself about it and pass the knowledge on to others who either may be at risk or just want to know the facts.

  65. Back to Basics!

    People let’s take it back to the beginning… We all know how to prevent the spread of the disease. It’s called safe sex (aka a condom)! Sure there are a few other ways to contract the disease but those numbers are very very low.
    We need to stop blaming groups/people/govt’ and put that effort into support for our brothers and sisters effected by this disease and that includes getting rid of the stigma that follows HIV diagnosis.

  66. Lex

    I’m not afraid to disclose. It’s in my profile, right there. It wasn’t always but, then, I realized that I could use my status to weed out the guys who weren’t going to work out right off the bat, without wasting any time. When a guy looks at my profile and sees that I’m poz, he’s making an informed choice to proceed.

    I also know that grown ass men seem to have a problem reading and, so, if the guy with whom I am talking is neg, I ask “You saw in my profile that I’m poz, right?” If he says yes and he’s prepared to deal with that, awesome. If he didn’t read my profile, and he’s surprised, he’s not worth my time to begin with.

    But, really, some guys don’t disclose. There’s still a lot of hate, even from other gay men, directed at guys who are poz. It’s subtle. “Clean” is HIV- which creates a dichotomy where, of course, HIV+ must be “dirty”.

    Create a more comfortable environment for poz men to disclose and you’ll have less problem with non-disclosure.

  67. AR guy

    Negative guys: Don’t let boys put their cocks in you without a condom. BB feels great but if guys would get tested and use condoms then HIV infection would all but go away.

    The main reason that negative guys and just gay men in general attach a stigma to HIV is that we judge each other so harshly and against perfection. HIV+ makes you less than perfect and that is NOT good when you are a gay man. If you don’t look like a pornstar or Andrew Christian model then you have to attract men with your intellect, cock, or wallet but if you have HIV then you’re fucked.

    Reality check time! Not true. If you are honest, treat yourself like you are NOT a victim, take time to share your story and educate others, and respect yourself then you will be the cream that will rise to the top. Not a magic potion for sure but you can respect yourself and to hell with what the others think. We aren’t 10 years old on the playground anymore.

    I have been poz for almost 4 years and it has not stopped me from dating and getting laid when I wanted to. No huge cock, 6-pack, or million in the bank. I am me and I don’t let HIV define who I am.

    Cheers fellas! Oh and yeah who in the hell on a gay cruise wants to go to a Debbie Downer meeting lol? I thought gay cruises were for the buffets right?

  68. scott

    so many people on A4A lie about their HIV status. just assume every is poz and use protection. in my profile i do not say poz or neg. why? its nobodys business. its a private and confidential matter.

  69. John...


    “I suspect a very large reason for people not wanting to admit publicly that they are HIV positive is because they are treated like the scourge of the earth, even in their own gay community. Pffffffft.”

    While that may be true in some cases; I believe it’s mostly because they are turned down for sex period. That makes them mad and and from there they play the “stigmatized” card in an attempt to garner sympathy and try to false guilt others into doing something they know is wrong for them.

    Honest people who are doing nothing more than trying to protect themselves, (not put anyone else down) are called haters by many HIV+ people just because they won’t have sex with them.

    The “hater” card and many others are often played when someone dares to not share the same opinion with someone else these days, not just by HIV+ people. Sad fact is: There is a lot of scum in the gay community who will use any tactic they can come up with in order to false shame others into doing something they may not otherwise agree with, but will end up doing anyway because the peer pressure.

    Many gay people tend to buy into too much popular bullshit just because it has the word “gay” stamped on it. Luckily there are still many honest HIV+ people out there, who care about themselves and others and I am lucky to be good friends with quite a few of them, some I have met on this site.

  70. John...

    @ in thity+ relationship….

    “…I find it interesting that this has been posted for a couple of days and no one has a comment,…”

    It’s not like nobody cares about anything but nude pics. I posted the first day this topic was posted. I’m guessing the only reason there were no comments posted right away is because A4A or the person who is in charge of this blog didn’t get around to posting our posts until this afternoon.

  71. hivpozbru

    Great observation. I feel that one don’t have to wear his status on his arm sleeve but be truthful. I can trust if one is honest but have to treat everyone as if they are positive. Thanks for this discussion its great to hear such positive response. Be Blessed

  72. D'

    There have been plenty of studies that says the chances of a person spreading hiv who has been undetectable for at least six months and is taking their meds correctly is very very low. However they should still use protection. the risk is even lower if that person is a bottom. The only thing is don’t go around saying you are if you aren’t and be honest.If you like someone and they have hiv and are currently taking their meds and are undetectable I’d encourage that person to go forward with whatever decision they make whether it be to have sex with them or date. I would still use protection and consider going the PrEP route which is a preventative measure that makes it 74% less likely to be infected if you were to engage in risky behaviors. Research. Knowledge is the only key to killing the stigma and stopping the spread of hiv

  73. Rick

    I am close to a 30 year HIV survivor and it seem’s I mostly date on line anymore. It’s allot easier to just be able to be around people these days if you are poz. This is a blessing but it’s seem’s like I’m pulling away from people. As if they either want to judge you or make you someone you are not. Look I been through some things so I see somethings in different ways but I’m not shallow as some of these quick to judge might think. Sometimes though it just seems easier not let people get to know me on deeper levels and have them think as they will. But I have always tried to disclose my HIV to people and really am so very thankful for my friends.

  74. Oliver Gardiner

    @Ron M Syracuse wrote:

    “On A4A my status is obviously poz by looking for anythings goes sex and no status.”

    This inference is faulty. Just because a man doesn’t tick a box on a page it only means he didn’t answer that question. If a man doesn’t list is dick size you can’t assume he doesn’t have one. Sometimes not ticking a box is just that: not ticking a box. As for the “anything goes” answer — some men are just piggy, that’s all.

    A big part of what keeps many HIV+ men in this infection “closet” is the unwarranted assumptions we gay men tend to make about each other filtered through unreliable criteria as to who’s who and what’s what.

  75. Oliver Gardiner

    “What disgusts me the most is how many people that hit me up and say they are positive when their profile says negative…..”

    Count yourself lucky these men are being forthright about their status at any point and in any way before becoming sexually involved with you or anyone else. Not every man chooses to publish on a web page to all and sundry about a very personal part of their health. What your situation has done is to debunk the childish creed that if something is on a man’s A4A profile it MUST be true.

  76. 20+ Years POZ

    My partner and I once made the mistake of disclosing to someone, he then proceeded to use that information to try and extort money from us.

  77. eastvalley

    thanks all for the great feedback. this is still a touchy subject for some people. being HIV positive myself I get what most other positive people are going through.

    thanks again fit the great comments!!

  78. nobutforreal

    So i’ve been poz for little over a year now and aside from a few guys who’ve hit on me here (says it on my profile) i’ve only told the friend that i ride to clinic with. Honestly my hope is to hold out telling as few ppl as possible until a.) a cure or b.) i’m safely in my grave. The last thing i’d want to go do is waltz into some public support group and see someone i know and be the subject of the gay rumor mills next few gatherings and have my family find out. hell i was hardly ever having sex before the whole poz thing happened and i heard a rumor the other day that apparently i have this army of hoes at my beck and call. telling ppl who are potential sexual partners is definitely a requirement for anyone who is not depraved , but as for just letting the world know one might as well walk around with a scarlet letter on their chest.

  79. Hunter0500

    It’s ironic that we’re asking self-addmitted, self-absorbed sex machines to be honest about an issue that could keep them from having sex.

  80. John...

    “It’s ironic that we’re asking self-addmitted, self-absorbed sex machines to be honest about an issue that could keep them from having sex.”

    So true, but believe it or not there are still some good, honest HIV+ and HIV- guys out there who are very careful for their own and others sake.

    Of course if one is having sex with guys they’ve just met and know nothing about them other than they think they’re hot, then they are taking a big risk and only they are responsible for whatever nasty they might get, no matter if the other party is lying or not.

    Being a whore use to be a bad thing, but now it’s okay and gone mainstream. There are reasons (other than religious) why it was once considered a bad thing and like it r not those reasons still apply today.

  81. Seth (Cawkiiness)

    I myself am negative and one of the first guys I dated was positive.. I pretty young, only 18 at the time, and he was so scared to tell me towards the end of our first date but judging from how he was acting, I kind of put two and two together and helped him to say it. And we continued to date from that time but never got intimate. I wasn’t ready at the time and he gave me an ultimatum.. but anyway I never viewed him differently.

    I don’t judge anyone for their status. I really respect those who can be upfront. However, those who are positive and have profiles that only do BB and are looking to get filled, disgust me. It goes to show that some really do abuse medication since they no longer care about protection even though there is more than just HIV out in the world as we know.

  82. chandlerbum

    @Undetectable – Here is the research you were asking for. http ://www.cdc. gov/hiv/prevention/research/art/. You will have to delete the spaces I put in there to ensure it makes it into the blog.

  83. My Biz

    I’ve been poz for 21.5 years now and always been healthy and been undetectable for 10 years because of the meds. I moved to SC from the west coast and it’s really no different here that out there with the negative guys looking down on the poz guys. I was standing in one of the very few gay bars/gay friendly bars here when the guy standing next to me said directly to me “that guy over there has AIDS, I can tell by looking at him” but dipshit didn’t even have a clue I was poz. My friends and family know and so do my co-workers, people I care about and trust but I won’t put poz in my profiles because to me it would be like putting a banner on my house saying I’m poz, I don’t think everyone needs to know. To people that I don’t plan on talking to, being friends with or having sex with have no need to know my business whether it be my status or my religion or my favorite food. But when I talk to someone and I see there may be some interest, then I tell them with no problem and that might be 1% to 2% of the guys online in just my city. I don’t consider myself hiding anything or lying by not putting anything in my profile, I just won’t be judged by guys I don’t give two shits about.

  84. John...

    I can understand one not wanting to put their HIV+ status in their profile for all the world to see, but I do feel that it should be one of the first things discussed when chatting with someone for the first time if it’s for a sexual encounter. If they have a thing against HIV+ guys they will still have it no matter how long you wait to tell them, so why get your hopes up? The less you know about them and get to like them the less you will be let down.

  85. Unknown

    Having unprotected sex with an HIV+ person who is on Meds and undetectable, you have a 96% chance of not becoming HIV+. Having protected sex (with a condom) with an HIV+ person, you have a 98% chance of not becoming HIV+.

    Sex is between two people and so should be the responsibility, both parties are responsible for protecting themselves from each other. Disclosure might not be required if safe sex is practiced. Who is responsible when the person who you are having sex with don’t know that they are HIV+? You can be HIV- today and HIV+ tomorrow.

    Educate yourself about facts before sex and you might reduce you chances of contracting any disease.

  86. Asshats

    It’s one thing to not put anything in your profile it’s another thing to put your are negative and safe sex only, and lie to people’s faces when asked. Just because of reading these blogs and morbid curiosity I decided to make a fake profile. I couldn’t believe how many people made contact and wanted to have bareback sex and even said they were poz yet on their profile it said negative and safe sex. It’s a shame really that people feel the need to subject others to dangers for a quick fuck. As for how I feel now that I have done this even though I never trusted anyone now I see things more clearly, and I really can’t see anybody on these sites as anything but subhuman and unworthy of even talking to.

  87. John...

    @ Unknown

    Resource please?

    The CDC says; The test measures HIV at one point in time. Someone who has an undetectable viral load on Wednesday at 2 PM (when the specimen was drawn) may have a viral load of 600 three weeks later. Viral load measurements can vary in a patient on antiretrovirals from test to test.

  88. John...

    @ Unknown

    “Data suggest that HIV-infected persons with undetectable viral load are less infectious, and may be less likely to transmit HIV via sexual contact.”

    Right. less infectious, but they also say that the viral load is not static and that Viral load measurements can vary in a patient on antiretrovirals from test to test.

    You can’t just cherry pick the parts you like best in order to bolster your argument and ignore all of the rest of the information while be claiming to educate others on the subject.

    Way too many gay magazines and websites do just that already.

  89. David

    The gay male community is very hypocritical about HIV and AIDS. The fact remains on Adam4Adam TONS of gay men are POSITIVE BUT they don’t list it on their profiles. This is due to SHAME in the gay community.

    I believe it isn’t POZ men’s responsibility to POLICE the behaviour of negative men. POZ men got to take care of their own health, and studies show they ARE, they are taking their meds, going to medical appointments ect.

    The negative men I have SEEN these guys getting load after load in the bathhouse REFUSING to use protection YET they POZ men are supposed to police their sexuality. It is BULLSHIT!

    Adults should be responsible for their own sexuality and USE common sense.

  90. David


    The CDC says; The test measures HIV at one point in time. Someone who has an undetectable viral load on Wednesday at 2 PM (when the specimen was drawn) may have a viral load of 600 three weeks later. Viral load measurements can vary in a patient on antiretrovirals from test to test.

    If a patient is taking their HIV medication, and doing what their doctor says they should be undetectable. Also, being undetectable means the HIV in the person’s blood I believe in under 50.

    The viral load does not go dramatically up or down as you claim BECAUSE that’s what the medication is for to CONTROL the viral load! This is specifically WHY doctors test HIV positive people to SEE if the medication is WORKING. If the medication is working the HIV positive client should have an undetectable viral load and a higher CD4 count. This is what doctors are looking for.

    So, if someone does NOT have an undetectable viral load this means the medication is not working,the person could of gotten a new infection.

    But the purpose of the medication IS to control the HIV in the patient’s body. So, NO if a person is taking their meds daily, regularly going to the doctor and doing what they are supposed to do NO WAY is someone going to have dramatically higher viral loads.

  91. RC

    And so the great divide continues, with neg gay men talking shit about poz gay men. I am tired of neg guys, as well as society in general, playing the victim. Sex is an inherently risky activity because all humans have transmittable diseases. High risky is also found while sitting in an airplane with dozens of strangers – who knows what airborne pathogens you could acquire. How do you think untreatable TB is transmitted? Everything is life is a risk, grow up, deal with it, and enjoy each day.

    Truth is, no one who thinks they are neg can fully be certain of their HIV status. No one. People need to take individual responsibility for their actions and not blame someone else. If you are that concerned, use a damn condom! Period, end of story. I’ve had poz BFs and it works – and I’m a bottom. Besides, I would feel far more comfortable with a guy who was admittedly undetectable than someone who says he is neg. At least I know the undetectable guy is getting regular medical care and has his head screwed on well enough to take care of himself.

    A4A as well as other sites should drop the HIV status box entirely. It’s a setup for false security and leads to risky behavior. And, if you are going to BB, be man enough to enjoy it and also own the possible consequences. Your life, your choices, and don’t blame others. Now go fuck and be happy.

  92. John...


    “The viral load does not go dramatically up or down as you claim BECAUSE that’s what the medication is for to CONTROL the viral load!”

    I didn’t say it, the CDC says it and I’m quite sure they are a hell of a lot more qualified and knowledgeable than you are on this subject. I’ll stick with the professionals thank you.

  93. Oliver Gardiner


    YOu know, reading back over the comments, David did ascribe the claim about the varying levels of HIV during testing to the CDC, not to you. Yet, you are rabid to “stick with the professionals…”

    The thing is when you toss of what you interpret a “professional” to have uttered on a subject, you are also aligning yourself with that stance on that topic. You are leaving your ideas open to question when you try to espouse theories and “fact” that you yourself may know nothing about.

    And these days, there is no mystery about HIV. There is ample HIV/AIDS literature for a layman to educate himself, and this is not restricted to those living with the virus. So your denigrating other’s opinions in favor of “professionals” may be baseless.

    But why the quibbling over the fluctuations in viral load? The fact is “less likely to transmit HIV” is a useless qualification. It’s like being a little pregnant: either a girl is or she isn’t. When it comes to HIV, the infection is there, is still transmittable to others.

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