Gay Stuff : Etiquette

It’s a little unnerving opening an email on A4A that begins with: ‘I want to feel your cum dripping out of my ass while your friends piss on me’. 

Now for some that is hot, but for me that isn’t an opening line.  First off the thought of my friends standing around pissing on someone is not fun for me.  Secondly, what ever happened to hello?

I realize this is a sex site but that doesn’t mean there can’t be some form of etiquette. We have discussed smiles in the past and most guys are offended by them but a nice ‘Hey there, great profile, read mine and let me know if there is any interest’ can’t be all bad can it?

How you approach someone is very important and can be the difference between getting blocked and getting laid. Some guys respond to the upfront, waste no time approach:  Lets Fuck!!  Other guys need a little more. Read the guys profile before sending a message. 

My biggest peeve when a guy tags me for the first time:

                Him:  Hi

                Me: hey there, great profile, what’s going on?

                Him: nada

I don’t know this person and from these three lines he isn’t very exciting. Be prepared to answer a question with more than a one word response. It’s annoying. 

There is an old joke:  what is the definition of sexual harassment?  Answer:  an ugly guy asking for a date.

Don’t be that ugly guy. Come with confidence and I think you will be surprised. 

Comments? Thoughts?

g skorich AKA eastvalleyoral

There are 82 comments

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  1. Zach

    Amen! Also, if you are the one instigating the messages, don’t expect the other person to carry the conversation. If you message someone, clearly you have something you want to say to them, or you have a question or two in mind. Out with them!

  2. vafratboy

    Any guy who opened with the line you described would be ignored and probably blocked (and I have gotten a few not unlike that). I don’t mind guys being open and upfront about what they are after, even in the opening message, but unsolicited graphic descriptions of some desired sexual encounter are just crass. If you want to be clear you just want sex, how about “I’m looking for some NSA fun, you interested?”

    A more common opening line I get that bugs me for less clear reasons is “hey sexy.” I don’t really know why, but that just bugs me. Perhaps it’s because “sexy” as a name to me implies a degree of intimacy that I don’t possess with someone I’ve never met or even seen before. I realize other people don’t see it that way, so it’s not a deal breaker, but it definitely will leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. If it’s a hot guy, I certainly won’t let it bother me, but for a guy who could really go either way, it could be the thing that moves him from “interested” to “not interested.”

  3. Scott

    I am more and more convinced that gay men need an etiquette class. There is a never ending barrage of unanswered messages, winks/smiles/grins…we just don’t play nice with each other! And in a world that still demeans us, we do a stellar job of running each other into the ground. A simple thanks, but no thanks shouldn’t put anyone out. Grow up and play nice guys!

  4. the_inspector_069

    Etiquette, what’s that? A percentage of the guys on this site are incapable of understanding the true meaning of the word. There is a large percentage of arrogant, rude, racist(who would have thought that racism would be in our gay society, sickening.)

  5. Matt

    Etiquette is important. If someone says hello, SAY SOMETHING BACK. The “if I don’t say anything it means I’m not interested” is how rude narcissists operate. If you’re not interested, have to balls to say up front: “Thank you for saying hello. At this time I am not interested.” Secondly, if you contact ME then make sure YOU respond. I know A4A loves being able to brag about how many people are are line, but I would love an “auto logout” feature so that if you have not been active for 30 minutes, you get booted or at least on the profile a note that says “no activity for 30 minutes or more.” If you’re “on,” be on. If you chat, then really chat.

  6. joey

    Exactly, I find guys the way they respond means they are just lazy people, and probably believe a guy is going to suck there cock just because they uttered a couple of syllables here. If only life we’re that easy, right guys?

  7. Block them

    If it is so annoying, block them. Simple as that.

    Also, understand that not everyone will have the same opinions about communicating as you. To someone else who just wants to get to the point, your form of communication may be a waste of time.

    If you can’t handle it then I suggest getting off the Internet.

  8. soft & fluffy (sort of)

    Very interesting .

    I recently got messaged by someone who’s been on here for about the same time as I have. (approx 4 years)
    We’ve often been on at the same time but he’s never messaged me before .
    He’s about 30 years my junior and his profile simply says something like ‘lookin for dem dl nigga thugs’
    I’m not a thug nor am I black.
    Why did his first message read ‘wanna fuck?’
    When I asked him if he knew me from outside of a4a he repeated the message.
    My cynicism took over and I asked him if he was being put up to it .
    No response since. A friend thinks I should have answerd ‘yes’

    ‘Etiquette ?’ Very a strange concept for some it appears.

  9. Jake

    Couldn’t agree more! I hate those one line responses. I think they are trying to be cool by not seeming overly interested.

  10. Brad

    I just don’t see why this much thought is given to it. People communicate differently. Many guys think its a waste of time to go into this “how are you” or “how’s your day” stuff. No one really gives a fuck about your day or my day….there’s a reason it’s called small talk. Confident guys will keep it to the point and will most likely ask you to do the same. No one gives a fuck that you read Emily Post and then put lipstick on. Save your etiquette for your dining room table and either get on my dick or get off my profile. Now go cry to your mommy cause the bigger boys are pickin on you.

  11. Matt

    They need to add Etiquette back into schools on a primary level and then have it as a seperate course for every year in high school (just like english, math, and science) because these boys these days wouldn’t know what etiquette was if it f**ked them in the ass! This applies to most of the ones that call themselves men too.

  12. Michael

    What gets me is that short dumb responses seem to prevail and if you actually know how to type and have a conversation that seems to be a turn off for some guys, even when they say they’re looking for chats.
    My other peeve is when guys tell you off thinking they’ve already told you something when they clearly have not – meaning they’re high, mentally not all there, or just dumb. People have really lost some basic communication skills.

  13. Butch

    I’m not here to chat or exchange pleasantries, you said it in your 3rd paragraph… This is a sex site, I can chat on or any of the other sites that provide a chat program (this one does not) or in yahoo IM etc….

  14. Pavel

    well etiquette is also unlocking pictures , whatever opening line is , HI , how are you , how you doing , whats cracking , besides to have some to say pictures are important if for any reason you cannot have pictures here , than look for equal ones which they don’t have pic or go to site where you don’t have to make profile , simple .
    As for smiles to mister blog suggestion how about to have more than 1 , like nice cock , nice ass, handsome face, hot body, I think guys would have more fun with that to show gratitude and respect

  15. muzyqman

    I figure if someone sends a message of one or two words, they didn’t read my profile, which tells them to send a message of at least 5 words. People without manners don’t get into my home, much less my ass.

  16. Jim

    Bravo! I find one-word e-mails boring. My standard response to them is: “Yes… You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, [INSERT NAME HERE]. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.”

    Now, if they come back with a conversational response – great. If they respond and acknowledge the source of that line – they show exceptional promise.

  17. Nick

    I wouldn’t consider “Hey, I want your cum…” as unnerving, but rather upfront. And being upfront with what one wants seems to be something of a rarity nowadays, like foreskin in the U.S.
    What’s unnerving is when someone is offended from receiving such an upfront message given that this is a recognized sex site. If you want etiquette, then try e-Harmony.

  18. Manners

    The gentleman above calls A4A a sex site, but that’s not exactly how I see it. I am not into casual sex.

    In fact: “ADAM4ADAM is a FREE Full Access site for men looking for friendship/romance/hookup”

    The last time I met an A4A guy we had lunch, talked, hugged in the parking lot, and have stayed in touch.

    I agree with the comment about people contacting others, then having nothing to say.

    Here’s my gripe regarding gay etiquette, and it’s not new or unique: Gay guys, not straight people, have said the most vile insulting things to me, things that my straight friends wouldn’t think of saying to me.

    I sometimes have to take a vacation from the gay online scene; angry, hateful gays can make the whole deal look dysfunctional.

  19. Steve

    If you interesting in meeting someone, and they don’t want to meet you, at least have the decency to say no. Show some etiquette.

  20. OB

    The #1 rule of etiquette on this site is if they ask for your number first or bring up wanting to me you first, you’re in.

    If not, they’re just posers looking for compliments/feedback from their pics.

  21. DREAMER26

    Thank you! I can’t stand when I get a message from a guy who send it first saying:
    Him: ‘Hey what’s up cute pics’
    Me: ‘Thank you so much I try lol. How are you doing today?’
    Him: ‘good’
    Um… I usually send out a first message with ‘Hello how are you doing today?’. I usually get back ‘Horny’ or ‘Sorry not here for sex’ lol. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone when it comes to a simple ‘hello’.

  22. Mike

    I agree … to a point. I think it depends on a lot on the content of the ads you’re messaging.

    I’ve read some really great, well thought out ads from guys who – while okay with fun along the way – are really looking long term down the road. Other guys are just looking to nut; and will say as much in their ad, “cum (yes, spelled that way) at me with what you want”. Well? To me, that opens the door to a very direct comment – like the example given that opened this article.

    I personally, have come on too directly AND too indirectly before on this site. But I will NOT sling BS just engage myself in conversation with someone because I’m trying to hook up. I’m always honest about my intent.

    It’s a mine field here sometimes, fellas – where your helmets! Hope to chat with more of you!

  23. Josh

    So true. It absolutely kills me when I’m trying to have a conversation with someone and all I can get are one and two word answers. It’s worse than pulling teeth, and it’s even more dumbfounding when the other person initiated the contact! Conversation seems to be a lost art these days, and it’s a damn shame.

  24. jacemwm

    I agree. I always get one liners or a “hi” with nothing to back it up. I am busy too, and will not carry the conversation. If the person reaching out to you can’t keep the convo rolling, i am not interested. I have plenty to talk about, but noone else seems to. c’mon guys, if you want to meet new people, put urself out there. And the gaping butthole pics are disgusting too. If that’s all ur profile pics consist of, no one will answer u back.

  25. djhill05

    I disagree with this. Guys are offended by smiles, because they are losers. Guys automatically delete emails, because they are assholes. On a sex site like this, we must ALL AGREE that 100% of the ads on here are from pigs. Why is getting a smile a bad thing? Why is the carrying of a conversation depended entirely on the person who initiated the emails? Why can’t homosexual men be courteous and respond with a “not interested” when a “troll” hits them up. I mean this is a free website, unlike Manhunt,BBRTS, where the emails are limited for non-paying members. When it comes to a hookup site like this, there is no such thing as “gay etiquette”, why, because either most of the profiles are left blank or men don’t take time to read the profile besides looking at the pic, the age, and whether the person is top,bottom,or vers, and may HIV status. Sad, but true!

  26. Enzo AKA LA-Dom-Bodybldr

    I’m guessing I’m the minority here, but I completely disagree. I’d much rather get a “daddy, I want you to rape me and my bf” than the standard “hey” followed by “what’s up?” followed by “I like your profile”

    Personally, I would much prefer a “I’d love you to fuck me” than a “I want to be shitting your load for a week” but that’s just me. This IS a sex site, though: Be bold and be direct! If someone is crass and you don’t like it, don’t respond: At least you know in one sentence that you are not compatible with them.

    I’m sure plenty of you have received a “I want that hot ass of yours” (or whatever) from me and I am never offended when you ignore me or simply say “no, thanks”. But, gentlemen, if we are truly talking sex-site etiquette: Stop acting offended that someone wants to fuck your ass when your photo is of your beautiful, naked ass. Some of you are so ridiculously hypocritical. Grow up, man up, and let’s have fun.!

  27. eastvalleyoral

    @Nick – thank you , you are the prime example. why is it assumed just because its a sex site that men are pigs?

    @Block Them – is nothing open for discussion

    we all know what A4A is. its not or or eharmony but it doesn’t mean people don’t use this site as a way to meet people for more than sex.

  28. Jayrobtheatre

    This is pretty much my one and only pet peeve. I love that we are in the midst of the information and technology age, but I hate what that’s done to the gay community. I feel gay networking sites and apps have become a double edge sword. On one hand these sites have seriously strengthened our community by allowing us to instantly connect with other men on any and all levels. You want a quick fuck? look on a4a. Want a gym partner? a4a. want a date? a4a. Want to talk to a sexy guy, but you’re not in the most gay friendly environment? RADAR!!
    On the other hand it’s caused us to become apathetic, gaurded, vain, rude, and outright disrespectfully prejudice sexual opportunists.
    Why are we like this? manners and etiquette are not time effect in real time or online, the difference is online all you see is an abundance of profiles that read almost like trading cards. You don’t have to build up courage to approach a guy or look him in the eye, there is no need for wit since interactions aren’t spontaneous and organic, they are crafted and edited. humility is irrelevant since conflict resolution now has the added features of “block” & ignore. Short hand is a must, because punctuation and sentence phrasing reveals alot about one’s self and we’d much rather reveal only our objectives. backbones are allowed to be weak since strength is a product of human rejection.

    I know this is a pretty long rant, but it is something I feel strongly about. This is more than lazy etiquette. I am considered a pretty attractive person,I did nothing to earn that, it’s just genetics. My best friend isn’t exactly an all american stud. However, he is by far a much more beautiful person than me.He is probably the most lovable person i know. I often get alot of unprovoked messages like, “let’s fuck” “more pix” “looking” “pretty eyes” “ur cute” and so on. He receives UNPROVOKED messages like, “YOUR FAT! EW, LOSS WEIGHT. BLOCK” “don’t look at my profile” “I don’t like niggers” “fuck u, u ugly” and he’s blocked labeled and dismissed before anyone even asks him name. I guess ultimately this behavior scares me because it makes me wonder if this is us getting away from who we are, or was etiquette simply holding us from our true nature?

  29. Christopher (Paid A4A supporter)

    Etiquette (/ˈɛtɨkɛt/ or /ˈɛtɨkɪt/, French: [e.ti.kɛt]) is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group. The French word étiquette, literally signifying a tag or label first appeared in English around 1750.[1]

    Try my BEST to “maintain etiquette” while on the internet, but 90% of the ‘heathens’ on here have absolutely NO idea (or interest for that matter) how to act responsibly in society.

    I say “howdy, nice bio” and NEVER get answered. Do I take offense at that? Not really, I just wonder “how I picked the WRONG person (yet again) to try and initiate a conversation: Would I really want to KNOW someone like that? Fuck NO! Guys forget that they’re NOT the only cock on this site.

    And let’s go over the “dynamics of hooking up online”: Since anybody can be anybody, men use pictures that are decades old or have been Photoshopped out of ‘reality’.

    If you can’t find a bed partner in a bar, do you actually think ONLINE is going to work out better in the long run? GET REAL!

  30. Jeremy

    What perturbs me just as much as a lack of proper etiquette is improper grammar and misspellings. Really guys? “I want to fick you,” “I want to eat that bass,” and lastly, “Show me your duck.” Take the time to review what you write if you want to make a stellar impression.

  31. Chokelate

    True, but whoever you are,you are HORRIBLE at blogging. All you do is comolain complain complain about other people- putting them own and all for being them. These new blogs are very ”diva” sounding and disgust me. I am not a fan anynore….you actually make this site WORSE!

  32. LOL!

    me : hey how’s it going?
    Him : not too much.
    after quite conversation……..
    Him: got pics?
    Me : yes (unlocks).
    Him : (blocks).

    ok then you ask for pic i give pic and you are being pussy for not saying back that you are not interested? go be a girl don’t be a man. and you claim yourself masculine, more like Ma’am culine!. ok sorry that was bad joke. anyway you got my point. it’s not hard to just reply that you are not interested. i believe there’s a thread about it too. a simple hi is good always. i agree that we need etiquette. please take time to read the profile.

  33. BryBry

    The one I find ironic is when someone initiates and says, “HI”, and I answer back with, “Hi”. They then message me with the one word demand, “Unlock”. I usually reply, “No”. or “You first”. They then respond by telling me that I must not be interested in them, and that I am rude. Ironic.

  34. Drew

    When I saw “etiquette” in the title, I expected more content than a blurb about the lines guys use on here. Lets talk about some real gripes around etiquette. My big one: this is a hookup site, not a dating site. I’m open about what I’m looking for, so I wish guys would stop trying to eharomony me on here. Equally irritating: if you ask for my pics, yours should be open already. Ooh, and this one: it’s 2013, everyone can take a decent picture. A pixelated crop job from the mid-90s is not going to qualify for a recent photo, Sirs. Don’t get me started on guys lying about their stats.

  35. Flyboy

    “‘I want to feel your cum dripping out of my ass while your friends piss on me’.”

    At least he used proper grammar and spelling. And writes in English. Unlike some horrific things I’ve read.



  36. nocheaptrick

    The only ones to get my attention are guys who show some etiqette from the start, whether they hit me or I hit them. Those without…well I consider myself lucky not to be aquainted. Djhill05 really sums it up, so no need to elaborate.

  37. jstbrsn

    I think it is rude when guys do not answer their e-mails. It does not take that much time to say Hi back and to let the person know if you’re interested or not.

  38. Tic-Toc

    I completely agree with the reaction of the Original Poster about the manner in which people communicate with one another on this site being … unwanted most of the time, but you’ll just have to ignore those kinds of people and put more effort into the ones that feel the same way you do … there’s no way around it.
    If people don’t read my profile, I either ignore them or troll them … if they won’t take what I wrote seriously, why should I take their seriously? Just have fun with it … it’s the only way to not become overly-pessimistic.
    And to those who think “Gay Etiquette” is any different from “Bi Etiquette” or “Straight Etiquette,” you’re not taking environmental factors into consideration.
    No one’s tried to talk to talk to their straight friends on a site that advocates hooking up (whether you want to or not) surrounded by porn … and those straight friends probably aren’t trying to get in your pants.
    And I don’t feel like you have to entertain every e-mail … especially if they’re outrageous or unwanted … people say that blah blah blah polite to respond … but if real life had an ignore button, I’m sure many of you would be using it … I know there have been instances where I would love to.

  39. goldenloverinmym

    Brad n Nick I agree with u,if I send a smile n yer not interested say no thanks.but i’m here 2 get naked n have sum fun.otherewise go 2 e fuckin harmony n good luck LOL!!!!! DDDD

  40. JR

    I really do like reading all the responses you get. I guess I am jaded. I have heard so many approach lines they make me laugh. My Black brothers say that you should come right and be about your business. I totally agree. The one line and a happy face don’t get it. I always contact guys in a nice way and tell them I like their pics or something they mentioned in their profile. I get three responses “thanks” “not my type” or blocked. Sometimes being Mr.nice guy does not get you any dick. Most guys on Adam want quick sex and so do I. Hard to both be on the same page at the same time but worth it when it works out.

  41. troub

    I think the worst thing on this site is “block”. OMG, grow up and don’t do that. What are you saying to that person that you don’t know nor have probably never met? Everyone here is here for one reason or another. There is nothing wrong with trying to initate and help a person to understand that their approach is not the best. We are “learning” all of our lives. Quit the desrepect. I can tell someone I am not interested without being rude. i especially have the younger guys, after I have messaged with a nice comment, BLOCK me for no reason. Arrogant, rude, disrespectful…But hell, we are discussing this and the ones who do all of these things are not reading it. HA HA!

  42. Mature Chocolate

    WOW! I have become irritated by the lack of common courtesy on this site. A4A can be a hookup site (which from some of the responses, many use as such) but I have been as cordial and respectful as possible. I believe people respond in many ways to what they see in a profile. When there is a gorgeous ass or dick pic it says “hook up”. I know I am a minority because I spend time reading the no photos profiles. Respect and good manners are important to me so I value those qualities in others. I am Black; older than 30 and I am XXL shirt size. Therefore, I know I am not many guys TYPE. We all have preferences let’s simply respect them. Grammar and punctuation is important to me as well.

  43. FriendlyGuy

    Lead with a compliment.
    YOU might be fully aware of what inspired you to reach out and say “sup” (sic), but you should take a minute to show that you’re not just hitting them up simply because they’re the closest pole (or hole).
    I’ve seen too many friends use these sites and their technique is the same: say “sup?” to everyone online and see who bites. 5 minutes later, they’re balancing dozens of conversations… dropping gems like “nm u?” and “k”.
    I say, peep the profiles and track down the guy offline, socially.

  44. David

    I usually hit upon something written in a person’s profile (something I connected with) when expressing an interest in that person. At one time, it bothered me when I got absolutely zero response back or instantly blocked – (I wasn’t even remotely rude to them.) After all, I at least took the time to read their damned profile – right? Then…..I realized that these men did me an immense favor in not responding. After all, would I really want yet another rude, arrogant, asshole in my life? Life comes well equipped with enough of those – already! When responding to people that I have no interest in – I try to be delicate with their feelings. It’s really not their fault that I’m not attracted to them – what I find attractive may not be someone else’s cup of tea and vice versa. It’s said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Besides, it’s generally someone that apparently thinks I bear a marked resemblance to a bank. And even those should be let down as gracefully as possible – although…..sometimes bluntness does have it’s rightful place.

  45. Darryl

    I suppose it’s true about the loss of conversation in written form. In the past when actual letters were sent between people coresponding to one another. And in those letters were words that made you think with your brain. In response a return letter was customary, that my friends was how it was done. So if you want someone to say something to you, then give them something to respond to. You can get your point accross without having to write a book to do it.

  46. Mike

    Number one, this is not necessarily a sex site only. It is for meeting new people, building friendships and relationships. Yes, Hookups can be a part of it, but that is not the sole purpose of this site, otherwise why is it saying what you’re looking for? Some people are only looking for friends and or relationships.

    Yes, proper educate is important and really shows who you are.

    Blocking people for not being interested or for almost no apparent reason is just immature. The only time I would ever block someone is if they got totally out of control and I felt completely uncomfortable, but that is rare. I’m an easy going person.

  47. BearOKC69

    The initial blogger seems conflicted. After going on a rant about being turned off by guys that are up front that get to the point right away, he tells us to be “confident”.

    I think it was Johnny Carson that said that the worst interviews/guests were those that answered with one-word answers. He said the best way to avoid those was to stop asking Yes or No questions. Same concept here.

    Although I realize that a lot of guys are texting from phones that have the tiniest keyboards so answers that are abbreviated & the like are to be expected. I try to take that into account and notice if they are on mobile connection or not.

    Sadly, most people, including gays, expect etiquette etc from others but don’t return it. As with many things in life, it is a two-way street.

  48. god of chaos seth

    So true, but the most annoying question is when they say “looking?”… I didn’t lose anything so i’m not “looking”, lol.. The second annoying thibg is these one word replies.. Does anyone know who to carry a conversation or form a sentence (noun + verb + predecent = sentence).. Its really annoying when people say “sup”, “chillin”, “nada”, “cool” & and so on

  49. Al

    This site has the market on rude subscribers. As a mature member, I feel a sense of sadness for some of the younger subscribers. Some are so young and so mean. They should realize that a hello doesn’t mean ,”would you marry or sleep with me”. What good is it to have a great body and a hateful heart and spirit?

  50. Samson

    It’s simple. Let the profile be your guide, both for your bah avoid and that of others. That is what it is for. People who don’t fill it in and let people know what they want or expect are doing themselves, and any potentially interested parties a disservice. And yeah, if someone posts a public pic of their erection or nude body, I assume they are ok if I mention it, or bring up sex right off. If their pic is more demure, and their profile talks about sci fi authors they like, that’s a pretty big clue for how to behave, too. That said, profiles with long lists of requirements and do’s and don’ts are pretty off putting. If you want conversation before come-ons, put things in your profile people can ask about or find commonality with, not a bunch of sex preferences and cock pics. As for smiles, I don’t understand why people who don’t want to receive them don’t just turn that feature off. You can do that you know, and leave the nasty warnings about blocking smilers out of your profile. I don’t know why people get so bent out of shape at strangers on the internet. Sheesh! 🙂 … end rant.

  51. Alex

    Well said, eastvalley. And Zach, you hit the nail on the head for me. People contact me all the time, presumably wanting to carry on at least a brief conversation, and then when I respond with more than monosyllabic words, they seem to have nothing more to say. It is as if these guys do not have any people skills. My attitude is, “whatever guy. You’re the one who contacted me. Get with the program or get lost.”

  52. Jed

    I agree with you there. Some are just plain ignorant when you say “hello.” But yet, when you say the first line as something sexual, they reply. It’s just rude.

  53. BryBry

    I don’t want a guy being so unabashedly forward with me even if I’m only dressed in a towel at a bathhouse, much less on a sex site. Sex is as much mental as anything else, and part of my mentality is to be treated politely, so “Let’s Fuck” is an instant turn off for me, even if fucking is what I want to do. If I’m asked like that, (and it doesn’t matter how hot the guy is) my answer will almost always be “No, Thanks”.

  54. einathens

    anonymity brings out the worst in people.
    i guess it’s easier to be an asshole when you can’t be held accountable for your actions, when you can just say whatever you want and block the guy before he can respond.

    some guys find some parts of my profile to be objectionable. can’t tell you how many vile or violent messages i’ve gotten, mostly from men i never contacted in the first place.
    my standard response is ‘we won’t be having sex, so why do you care?’
    i find that at least 3/4 of those guys have blocked me before i ever said a word to them.

    my rule of thumb is, if you wouldn’t say it to their face in person, don’t say it online.

  55. PETER

    I read through the comments here, lot of good points made. The post from “Manner” sort of summed it up for me:

    “Gay guys, not straight people, have said the most vile insulting things to me, things that my straight friends wouldn’t think of saying to me.” We SHOULD treat each others with much more respect than we do.

    Peeves? How about “waz up?” I always reply, “The sky!” Or, when you ask “How are you doing today?” and the response is, “I’m bored!” WOW! You’re announcing to a stranger how boring your life is? “I’m bored!” tells me you want to be entertained! If that’s the case, go see a movie!

  56. R

    Good points got made here. I understand the frustration a lot of guys have. I prefer to get a feel for a guy before I actually meet. Some guys want a quick hookup. Some guys have busy lives, and if they have to plan ahead, or feel out somebody, then when they get that sudden opportunity, they already have somebody to turn to who they likely will enjoy. I’ve done the instant meet before, and done the weeks of mailing before. Both have their place. I notice there’s a choice in title headline: not looking; looking right now; looking for later. I think if that option got used each time, we might cut out confusion. I also think if people checked their profile, they might realize the selections they actually put up. If you have “fetishes” selected, you can’t call somebody a pervert for asking about them. If somebody replies to you and says he’d rather not say, you can’t curse him out for being honest. A4A is called a sex site, which it was when it started, but it has adapted, since it is one of the few that didn’t out its members by letting the public view profiles without logging in. This should be a place where we can accept that we all are different, and we get different moods sometimes. Sometimes I’m horny, sometimes not. But I am never so desperate that I will hook up just for a hole. I have to like who I’m with. I don’t want a boyfriend, but I do have self-respect, and I give respect too, even if I would never screw the guy who just hit me up. Bottom line: etiquette is just treating a guy like you want to be treated. At least open your mail. We’ll know you got it, and move on. And remember, if you act like an ass, you can be sure I wouldn’t want to be around you naked. You just saved me some time.

  57. Mark

    What I have noticed is that the guys with poor etiquette tend to be the ones that are married to their wives….

  58. sweetbamc

    Yes pity some give these short answers or really bad dialogue my profile ask for a buddy so one can only imagine the types of lines I get

  59. eyesofblue1972

    It’s very easy to be rude online because chances are you will never see the guy at the other end of the Internet. That’s the answer to this question.

    I’ve been barraged with the ‘hey man show me your dick’ or ‘hey lets go fuck behind a tree stump somewhere.’ My response is almost always “really? that’s the best you can come up with?”

    I rarely continue conversations with people like that. I mean yeah I’ve had my share of quick hook ups but that’s pretty much behind me (I do make exceptions).

    One axiom I live by is treat others how we want to be treated do if you’re a dick to strangers then you’re probably gonna be treated the same.

  60. Rocco

    What happens when a guy hits you up, chats for awhile and then wants you to pursue them. When you don’t, you get the stream of nasty emails. Somehow they go from “hey, how’s it going” to 5 stage clinger. I have to agree with several of the other posters, block the 51/50s. It is sad that we are not nicer to each other. No need to be rude.

  61. FreeRangeRadical

    Boredom is a condition of the boring. If you hit me up and say you’re bored, I’m not interested, I don’t care how good you look.

    Sanity is the refuge of the creatively challenged, and boredom is its price.

  62. Michael

    I agree! A little conversation goes a long way with me. I know some guys state they are not interested in “endless” emails, but a little conversation would be nice regardless. After all, you are wanting to put your cock inside me.

    Ghetto speak or street slang is a total turn off too. Good English with a subject and verb is more impressive than “sup”.

  63. mike

    this is mainly an issue between the younger generations who grew up with the internet and the older ones who didn’t. if you see a young guy with nude pics, he’s obviously on here to hook up. bothering him with small talk is just going to piss him off. and i see nothing wrong with blocking… it’s our generation’s polite way of saying “not interested.” would you rather be told off?

  64. John...

    Fact is: websites like this are basically just online whore houses. You log on, look around and attempt to make a connection with the one you like best, using your best line, or not depending on what you’re after.

    Yes some use these sites for the purpose of trying to find Mr. Right and sometimes they do, but most are here to shop at an online sex warehouse.

    If so many of you want a touchy-feely site you should start one of your own and have those rules rather than come to a site like this and whine because you can’t turn it into what you want it to be.

    I treat all messages I get on here like spam or junk mail. If I’m not interested I don’t reply. Is it rude to not respond to spam or junk mail? No it isn’t. It’s my right, at my discretion to make my own decision. Anyone who believes they have the right to override anyone else’s rights is the one being rude.

  65. JR

    The sheer audacity of some people. I mean by god, we should be worshiping this person for their very forward and interesting insight. Cause heaven forbid someone wants sex on a sex site. I mean GOD! Really? This is the kind of person that to me I wouldn’t approach in real life because they have this self-righteousness about them that no one else can compare. As if somehow, they’ve worked all their life and struggled so much that they ‘deserve’ something. Cause you know, the ads depicting 60-yr old Karl f*cking some 20 year old is just ‘proper etiquette’. I can agree to the idea that there is a time and a place for some things. But this piece of egregious trash has the nerve to tell others that their behavior is UNACCEPTABLE!
    I mean it’s almost the same as someone telling me that I can’t get married to whom I want. It’s a sign of insecurity when someone can’t handle dealing with other people. The world does not revolve around you. It’s a control issue. This person is essentially telling us that ‘we’re not good enough because we behave in an inappropriate manner, it’s unacceptable.’
    The sheer narcissism that somehow, this person knows what is best for every other gay man because ‘He’s a decent person.’
    I call bs. I mean if so principled, I’m sure this same person could attest to not ever hooking up with one of those hot profiles that messages ‘let’s f*ck.’ I mean keep your propaganda, morals, and proper etiquette out of my life and sex life.
    I mean how about showing these same kind of ideas where it really matters. In public, face to face situations, and social setting, of which adam4adam is not really either. Go out and meet someone of quality.
    Eyes on your own paper.

  66. John...

    LOL! JR, well said.

    Many of them can’t help it. Gay life tends to turn many gay guys into clones of one another, who are incapable of an original thought and won’t dare think or do anything unless it’s considered cool by the rest of their clone friends.

    And they wonder why and complain about people stereotyping them. Go figure???

  67. ChrisJ

    Most guys don’t read the entire profile before they send their one liners. Someones profile may say “Not looking for NSA or One Time” and they still get “wanna fuk”. My profile says exactly what I’m lookin for and I still get one liners. I think its because they are tired of jacking off by themselves.

  68. Gary

    First of all guys who say it’s just a “sex site” are just projecting. For me I have met some great men and never had sex or intended to have sex (and we still hang together) Other times I have met guys and it has turned into a wild sex romp. To the guy who equated unwanted messages to “spam”….wow! It takes two f’in seconds to type thanks, but no thanks. I think this site brings out people’s true personalities. if you act like an ass on here (e.g blocking people cause you don’t find them attractive to the line ‘if I don’ t respond iam not interested” )says a lot about a person …and I really doubt they can “box” those types of behaviors just to the Internet. Act like an ass on here and you are probably an ass in social situations. Just my two cents…..

  69. John...


    I am the one who equates unwanted messages to “spam”. It’s mainly because so many of the messages I get are from guys who obviously can’t or choose not to read my profile, plus many who take it upon themselves to spin what I have posted into something they want it to say.

    Many messages ask about things I clearly say in my profile that I’m not interested in. Others are of a 4th grade mentality like “sup?” etc., and some are just too vulgar and perverted to even post here.

    So you think I should waste a couple of seconds replying to people like this? It’s not going to happen buddy. Those few seconds for each goofy post add up to minutes and hours that I would rather spend doing something else.

    I have never used the BLOCK button on anyone. Most of the nitwits get the hint the first time I ignore them and those who persist figure it out or after a few times.

    I do not believe this reflects my offline personality in any negative way whatsoever other than I do not tolerate stupid, vulgar and perverted people on or offline and they are not entitled to etiquette they don’t deserve.

  70. Hey Gary, Let's Fuck

    I have this thing for the name “Gary.” It’s all man, big hairy rock hard man. I like the way you write, too. Hey, I just looked down, and I think I’m projecting — about 7 inches out & up. 🙂

  71. MaRoom5

    I actually think people in my area think im a loser because I won’t sleep with random men I joined the site to get a date but it’s really not helping out.

  72. A'meir

    It’s funny I came across this post. Social etiquette on sex sites has always been a source or mixed amusement and annoyance for me. At one time I was a volunteer at an HIV STI prevention and education agency. One of our means for reaching our target population was sadly Adam and other hook up sites and apps. I learned that most guys especially younger ones only skim over the actual page. The pic almost always is the only info retained in my area. So as a social experiment I’d set up multiple pages for multiple purposes with a plethora of pics. Apparently I’m photogenic lol. You wouldn’t believe how drastically different some men’s approach would be sometimes. Or the guys who would be completely uninterested depending on what was shown . Adams what you make it. My pics are up so that the trash weeds itself out. A guy capable of lookin passed an ass or dick is a guy who’ll keep my interest. The “sup” guys or “hey sexy”s are only pieces of meat for one purpose till they show me otherwise

  73. Ifrostcakes

    I find all this humorous… Yet I understand where everyone is coming from, all are a valid perspective… I’ve never been one to take this site seriously, but I do try to add my own unique voice, and personality to the site… I keep an open mind and a somewhat simple approach with my replies… Some days I enjoy having long conversations, sometimes I’m looking for fun, and other times I’m just being nosey and quickly glancing… I’m not here to judge anyone, and like my mother always said if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t… I was also taught to lead by example… I have never blocked anyone on A4A if someone sends me a message that I don’t care for I delete it… If they inquire as to why I never responded back, im happy to let them know where I stand and if they choose to continue a conversation they should conduct any other messages in that manner… Some guys appreciate it and some I never hear from again… Just saying you set the stage for your own performance… It’s all about taking the lead and entertaining the audience at your personal best… Not everyone is going to applause at the end of the performance and that’s ok… At the end of the day no one is applauding… Then it’s time to reevaluate…

  74. damnimbi

    I have to disagree about sending a response to every message.

    I’ve found that most the guys who contact me are miles from the interests/preferences I’ve stated in the profile. The profile is blunt and direct for a reason. I’m more of a btm and enjoy the ‘larger things’ in life.

    What I get are messages from other btms, mostly very young guys, who can’t thread more than a few words together. Worse yet, they never bother to actually read the profile first. It’s like they are playing the numbers game. To me, that doesn’t dignify a response.

    I always make the effort to be personable and friendly, but also direct. There’s no harm in it, and if the person on the other end doesn’t appreciate it, wasn’t a good match anyways….

  75. Mark

    I hate “sup” When I see this I always ask, “what does that mean?” Then I tell them that I’m white and want to speak correctly. The truly sad thing is that their white too. Be yourself….

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