Gay Stuff : Preference or Prejudice?


You are on A4A on a Saturday night cruising around for Mr. R. Now and you get a smile. You open up the profile and the guy isn’t what you are looking for. You are a [pick your race] guy and aren’t into [pick a race] guys. You read another profile where it reads:  [pick a race] guys only.  Now, for me that’s a preference but for some guys its racism or prejudice.  Let’s look at the definition of racism and prejudice:


1.       A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2.       Hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.


1.       opinion formed beforehand: a preformed opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes

2.       holding of ill-informed opinions: the holding of preformed opinions based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes

3.       irrational dislike of somebody: an unfounded hatred, fear, or mistrust of a person or group, especially one of a particular religion, ethnicity, nationality, sexual preference, or social status

If you are basing your sexual partner on any of these definitions then you might be a racist but I believe most guys like having sex with who they like. They don’t hate other races, they just like what they like. It goes both ways. It’s all in how you handle rejection. 

A4A is a site designed for men to meet the men they want to hook up with. We all can’t be each other’s type, for whatever reason. Race, hair color, age, location, too skinny, too tall, too whatever.  It’s all about personal choice.

Thoughts? Comments?

g skorich AKA eastvalleyoral

There are 196 comments

Add yours
  1. Matt

    If someone is obese or is much taller or shorter than what they’re looking for, I can understand if these are too the extreme, but as far as ethnicity it’s a bit more tricky. Now if it’s certain characteristics or features on someone of a certain race, then understandable, but to say you’re just flat out not interested in (as you said, insert race) is absurd. There are flat out gorgeous guys from every continent, country, and race, just as there are ugly from each.

    When I see people pick all of one race and exclude another when picking which ones they think are attractive and/or declining to notice ones of a given race are attractive but will state ones are of another race, even when they’re obviously less attractive, is just ignorant. Personally I think it comes from the environment they came from or were brought up in, but regardless of where it comes from I can’t believe an open minded and honest person can call out an entire race as unattractive, because each race has it’s good and bad sheep. To consider your own or a certain one more attractive is indeed prejudice because you’re placing that one on a pedestal above the others.

  2. Philip

    It is rediculous and unnecessary to state a preference for only ‘white guy’ …..”no offense, just my preference…..” Why not just see who responds to your profile and if they are not the color u like or the image you prefer, simply say politely, ” I’m sorry we are not a match”no explanation is necessary beyond that…..

  3. muzyqman

    Racism or other prejudices should never impact who you like as a friend or who you will accept as a friend. And this includes ageism. How many times have you seen profiles where a guy says he’s only looking for friendship but don’t respond unless you’re white, between 25-38, and hot. This is not racism or prejudice; it is plain stupidity. I have a number of friends who are a number of different colors and sexes, and from a number of different countries on different continents. But when it comes to sex, I’m not interested in political correctness. I’m only interested in who makes my cock stand up. There are plenty of people I would invite home for dinner to whom I am not attracted, and even a few who make my cock hard that I wouldn’t bring home for dinner. Anyone who things all these choices are made using the same evaluation criteria is either stupid or lying to himself and the rest of us.

  4. Greg

    Nice topic. If you prefer something particular, there is nothing wrong with that. Some people internalize these things way too deeply.

  5. Electrikblue

    Most guys on here it’s a preference. But I know some guys who base their “preference” off of what they heard or see about other races. If you look in certain areas say…New York city you don’t come across too many guys with said racial preferences. When you look somewhere like Norfolk, Virgina every other profile says sorry no black guys or Asian etc. makes you wonder…

  6. michaeljdragon

    I have to agree with you…it is a ‘preference’, and we are adults. Some men really should understand that by now. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, so why get all bothered if a guy you want may not feel the same? Just accept it gracefully and move on with some maturity.

  7. Electrikblue

    Most guys on here it’s a preference. But I know some guys who base their “preference” off of what they heard or see about other races. If you look in certain areas say…New York city you don’t come across too many guys with said racial preferences. When you look somewhere like Norfolk, Virgina every other profile says sorry no black guys or Asian etc. makes you wonder…

  8. patrick

    I tend to like when someone states specifically who or what they are into. Its not racism at all. Its the ones who have the shopping list of what or who they are not into. If a guy states only into blacks or whites – its cool , but if he keeps on about what he is not into, I take it as racism. Its just a preference.

  9. simon

    as a gay asian male, i don’t believe there is racism or prejudice in online dating (at least not as much as some would like to think). sure, there are people who absolutely hate other races on/offline, those are racists.
    i hate to get technical here, but racism is such a misused word to a point where people don’t refer it to its original meaning anymore. the only people who can perform racism are the ones who are the dominant race AND they possess power. in other words, if you are white and in china, you cannot be racist because you are neither the dominant race, nor you posses power in that country.
    i didn’t grow up in the US, so racial conflicts are still something i haven’t fully understood even though i minor in anthropology and communications. but that’s not the point here. what i feel like as a gay asian male in cleveland ohio, i have to say, sometimes it feels like i am being discriminated against because my racial/ethnic background. however, i truly believe it’s not just “racism” in play. but is there racial factors? yes, i have had instances where people would refuse to date me because i’m asian, and for some reason dating an asian is godforbidden (on top of dating same sex).
    however, i think the whole thing boils down to 1) not having exposure, meaning if you grow up in a community where 90%+ people you see daily are you own race, you tend not to think you are attracted to other races. i too was only attracted to asians before i came to the US and now i’m only attracted to white. 2) conformity, good old concept, people don’t think they are as conforming as people 30 years ago, but i see very few people willing to stand out in the crowd, especially in the midwest including myself. 3) preference, everybody’s got preference, so if you call somebody racist when they don’t like your race, what do you call people when they only like your race? 4) racism/prejudice, it happens, whether people like it or not, though it’s not every rejected booty call on a4a or any other dating/hookup site.
    have an open mind, treat people the way you want to be treated, and most importantly, everybody has their own reason of doing things, please respect each other.

  10. redbone_7

    I feel some guys are truelly attracted to certain phenotypes.. but I feel the majority have preference’s with centuries of racial hate, oppresion, & stereotype that usually adheres to a one standard of beauty image, imposed on people in the western world.. I believe it has it’s roots in racism.. When I experimented with this topic myself, and decided to create an add, saying I was not interested in caucasion males, I got responses calling me hatefull, racist, and to get over the past, and or accept responseability for my own short comings or financial status.. How ever I notice that White men, guard this right to their preference. However me as an ethnic mixed race Native & black guy from the southwest USA, was automatically deemed hateful & anti white for having a preference that did not include white men.

    A4A profile- redbone_7

  11. Dewd11

    I am a 60 year old black male. I learned a long time ago that many white gay guys prefer other white gay guys. I also learned that many black gay guys prefer white gay guys, even if they are likely to be rejected by them. It all has to do with preference and as much as I hate it I couldn’t say it was racism exactly.

    I should write a blog about white guys who chase black guys for sex and after sex, want to pretend they have never seen you before in their lives. That smacks of racism to me.

    Actually, I want to write about a recent A4A experience. I noticed a profile of a very good looking twentysomething white guy. He was the type of guy I used to chase very vigorously for many years. At my age and considering my race I looked at his profile and moved on. Since I looked at his profile I was not too surprised to see he looked at mine. I figured that was that.

    What surprised me was when He wrote and said he wanted to see me. I declined and asked him if he saw my pictures and read my profile, which he said he did. Since he kept pushing for us to hookup, I decided to go ahead with a hookup expecting to be rejected.

    Needless to say I was far from being rejected and haven’t had such a sexual experience in many years. I could go into detail, but won’t. My point is that it was all about preference and attraction. In this case he got what he wanted and I got what I had fantasized about since I first realized I was gay.

  12. East_Los_Boy

    I think you summed it up in your line: They don’t hate other races, they just like what they like. It goes both ways. It’s all in how you handle rejection.

    that’s how I feel.

  13. Chokelate

    Sounds racist to me! people need to stop looking at race as a factor. People are people and you’re gonna get the same treatment. Its sad that guys actually believe in this whole ”just,a preference” ordeal. There’s nothing worse than than a prejudice homo. Its bad enough that being part of this comnunity as we struggle to,be accepted as equals but whrn you have simple minded bigota who claim to be in the right then theres no point in getting supportfrom non-lgtbq members. We want others to accept us w/o any judgement but yet we cant do that for each other. One day the madness will end…one day.

  14. cummy

    I agree with this opinion. One could also look at it this way:

    I’m a guy looking for other guys to have sex with in an open dating/hookup site… would it be sexist (or against the female ‘race’ for that matter) if I dismiss a a girl who messages me and wants to have sex with me because she wants too? It’s just my preference in bed, right? I mean, I respect women, but when it comes to having sex, I’m looking for another guy.

  15. BearOKC69

    Since most of those definitions have hatred/unfavorable opinion/fear/mistrust etc it is a preference. We all have our likes/dislikes when it comes to things that make our cocks hard. It might be race, height, age, or any other variables. If you aren’t someones “type”, there isn’t much you can do about it so don’t be offended (just as someone shouldn’t take it personally if you don’t want them).

    It used to be whenever I saw a black guy in a porn mag or vid, I would flip right past it because it didn’t do anything for me. Then one day when I was getting fucked by a black guy, it dawned on me, my asshole didn’t care what color of cock was in it. That was the turning point for me and now black guys do get my dick hard.

  16. jon

    I couldn’t agree more. Not every person you contact on-line will be interested in meeting you, nor am I interested in every person that contacts me. We all have our own likes and dislikes. Some guys, 1 of them being me, isn’t interested in just a quick hookup, so guys that contact me that are, no matter how hot they are, I do not meet. That doesn’t mean I am a racist or prejudice. We all need to accept rejection, and nicely. That goes for guys you just want to say hello to, for nothing more than a conversation to past the time, and they ignore you or become nasty when you won’t get into bed with them. We need to be more respectful of each other guys. Go rub one out, get your rocks off, and then come back to chat. I’d bet 99% would be happy just having a polite conversation then. It’s amazing what hormones can do to our attitudes.

  17. Kyle

    You see it all the time. I consider it a preference. If the guy says he doesn’t like black guys or Asian men for a specific reason and that reason is racist, then it is prejudice. What really “grinds my gears” is when a guy says shit like, “no fats or fems”. Yes, those are preferences, but they are said is such a derogatory way that it makes the guy look prejudice in a different way. Have your preferences, we all do. But, don’t be a smelly shit bag about it! 😀

  18. Steve

    Amen!! I hate when guys get mad at me because I put “open to all races but I do have a thing for Latinos” I honestly have been with people of all races/nationalities. I find it funny when they give me grief for saying that especially if theirs read: “masculine a plus” or “gym bodies preferred” or “cut guys to the front of the line” in the end, we ALL have our preferences. Just like how 90% of the people on this site prefer penis over vagina. Some like em chubby, skinny, tall, small, etc (you get the idea) so please get off my back with your hypocritical opinions and assumptions about me.

  19. JOEY


  20. jockn2cbt

    And not having sex with a woman is being sexist. I’m done with the politically correct types telling me who I should have an attraction for and why. Sex is like humor, if you dissect it enough you can get to the core root as to why something is funny or why someone is stimulating, but you kill the emotion, the joie de vivre by over analyzing it. Is it not equally as racist when someone of one race only wants persons of a different race? this current flood, this invasion of Mexicans and other latins has them putting white as their race trying to snag white northern European boys. If you’ve ever seen a more racist group than Mexicans arguing amongst themselves over whether their heritage is European or Indian, let me know.

  21. mark

    It’s preference.I know what I am attracted to and no one can tell me different.If I like fat hairy guys, short bald guys, skinny blondes or dark haired athletic guys, it’s my choice. I will not change my mind or attitude about who I want to date or have sex with. It’s my body and I decide who I share it with.If someone can’t handle rejection, then they will have to learn how to and just grow up.
    I know there are guys out there that are total A-holes and only want to date,have sex or simply have friends within their own “race”. But that is none of my business either. If those guys are rude about it by using “racial” slurs, then those guys are just pathetic. Prejudice and preference are different.

  22. John

    The words “racism” and “hate” are thrown around way too much today.

    I myself am only sexually attracted to my own kind and the rest may as well be women. If that makes me a racist then my not being attracted to women makes me a sexist too. Frankly I don’t care what names anyone calls me. If they have the energy to waste on such things then I hope they are enjoying that investment in time and emotion, because the only feelings I have is that I’m not sexually attracted to them. Other than that I hope everyone is prosperous and enjoying their life.

    Hate is another emotion I don’t invest any time in. Just because I don’t care for someone or something doesn’t mean I hate them or it. I have a lot more to do with my life than waste any of it on harboring any ill will toward anyone or anything.

    It seems as if a lot of people these days are making a hobby out of looking for a way to invent something they can be offended by. Well if that makes them happy then so be it. In my own humble opinion there are way too many good things in life to waste it on searching out things to be upset by.

  23. Scarpien

    It’s a very fine line between preference and prejudice in a lot of respects since it can be argued that our preferences many times may be deeply rooted in our prejudices–see items #1&2 under prejudice.

  24. RICHe BALDe

    I thinks its more of preference, what people prefer. me I like guys I want to look like or be like. I wanna bulk up(put on some weight) an I like stocky guys. Im into guy stuff, along the lines of straight guy stuff, therfore I like MASC men. Idk I could be wrong but thats my theory

  25. Ivory for Ebony

    This is a great topic. I’m white and really into black guys, to the point that it’s almost exclusive – almost. I think it’s nicer to say what you’re into rather than what you’re not into, though it can convey the same information. My preferences are based on experience and what works for me, so more of a postjudice than a prejudice. Would you say I’m sexist if I say I’m not into women? Really for some people that can be the difference. It’s easy to blindly project what you think (ex. That it’s racist if you’re not into a certain race), but that’s a tyranny of a closed mind. I agree some people can be challenged to question their beliefs, but this should be done carefully.
    Basically, I don’t want to be called a racist for loving the type of person I do. And we should all think twice before losing respect for others and labeling people. Thanks.

  26. 8inbori

    Race is just one of those things that some people may or may not be attracted to. Same thing with anything else hair color height eye color etc. if some one isn’t attracted to tall guys it’s not mean just a preference. Nothing wrong with having a preference. Now if a Latino says hi and your first reaction is “go to hell you spick” now you are being racist.

  27. Tiger

    Strictly based on Mr. Right Now, it’s simply preference. I myself am open to any race. Hot is hot for me. However, if you are generally closed to making a friendship just because of skin color or even appearance, then you are leaning toward prejudice. It all boils down to one question that each and every one of us must HONESTLY ask ourselves: Are we open to associating with different people in order to see the person’s true self? If the answer truly is no, then that simply means that you are letting preconceived notions limit yourself to the amount of friends you may have or even possibly preventing Mr. Right from entering your life.

    Just a little food for thought,
    Tiger Wilson

  28. einathens

    somebody should google laurence olivier’s ‘snails and oysters’ speech from ‘spartacus.’ it’s far more elegantly stated than anything i’m about to say.

    i’d say it’s a preference. prejudices are copied behavior; preferences are innate or based on individual experience.

    i don’t think it’s discriminatory to not be attracted to men of a particular race without having tried any of them. it’s a wasted educational opportunity, sure, but the damage inflicted by you not sleeping with someone is minimal.

    if i say that i don’t find men of a certain race attractive after sleeping with oh i don’t know 7 or 8 of them, then that’s a prejudice, but it’s an individual one and is not taught to the larger community.

    my own bias is against straight-identified men and men married to women hitting me up for sex. but that is based on behavior that crosses racial lines. it’s not a prejudice, it’s a pet peeve.

    on the other hand, if you’re a mamber of race a and you ONLY have sex with men of race b, that’s a fetish.

    my own opinion is, we’re all the same color when we’re naked in the dark.

  29. John

    Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you…’s about time someone called these idiots out on this. I’m a white guy and my bf is a black/hisp mix. I ONLY like brown guys when it comes to sex. I have seen MANY guys posting that they are not racist and will play with any race…..therefore implying that those who PREFER a certain race are racists. Other guys flat out call other member racist when they post their sexual preference…..and i get so annoyed by this narrow-mindedness…..we as gay people should especially be able to tell the difference but apparently that is not the case ofter time. You are right…..sexual preference is simply what makes ur dick hard…..just like being witha a guy turns you on rather than being with a woman……so again, thank you for calling these people out on their ignorance….maybe i am a racist against white guys since i never hook up with them…..even thiugh i AM white…..LOL

  30. John E.

    Race is only thing guys do not like It’s type of sexual status Are you into hard core sex Are you top or bottom or just versatile? Do like passion Feeling oral sex Or Are you just into only passion sex no annul contact kiss Good or none I believe I cover a bases except the one where So guys want to get paid for any sexual encounter. Race and age are only just a number or I know a few interracial gay men that live together or Civil Union/ married.

  31. Steve

    AMEN!! I hate it when guys give me grief just because I have “Into all races but have a special thing for Latinos” HELLO!! I PUT INTO ALL RACES IN THERE! I have honestly been with guys of all races/nationalities and enjoyed hooking up with all of them, I just happen to have more fun with Latinos. I find it extremely funny when guys give me attitude about my profile when their profile reads: “Masc men only” or “gym bodies preferred” or “cut guys to the front of the line” In the end we ALL have our preferences just like most of the guys on this site prefer penis over vagina (let’s face it-there are some actual bi guys on here not just guys who claim to be bi) so does that make us all prejudice too because we like penis? Of course it doesn’t! Some like black, brown, tall, small, chubby, skinny, cut, uncut, etc. (you get the idea). So please get off my back and keep your hypocritical and judgemental opinions about me to yourself.

  32. mawbinatl

    Well based on your definition, people are prejudiced if they openly state on their profile NO [INSERT RACE HERE]. I say this because they are adamantly stating who they will or won’t connect with based upon some other unfavorable opinion based off n lack of knowledge. However, if you state, as I have, that you have a preference for [insert race, age,body type, etc here], then one is saying that they are not basing it on an uninformed opinion.
    You can never know where, when or with whom you might find that one true love.
    If you limit yourself to this type or that type, you also limit the opportunities you have for finding love.
    That’s just my opinion.

  33. jr.

    I respectfully disagree with this blog. It’s racism, prejudice, and discrimination. I think people use the term “its just my preference” to justify their racism. People lump body shape, masculinity, and race together under the preference umbrella. Well you can change your body shape and even adjust your masculinity but you cant change skin color. Its 2013, and I would never want miss out on the opportunity of meeting Mr right by exclude an entire population because of their skin color without even trying to know them for who they are. Just my opinion

  34. Booduh

    Its not ALWAYS about how you take rejection.. sometimes its also how much of a cruel dick someone can be when they do it.. when a simple and polite “no thank you” would be fine.

  35. tmoyo

    Attraction is more complicated than an overnight thought. Your socialization plays a role, so its natural to find a certain race more attractive and in most cases your own race because of many similarities you share and the image you of beauty you have was shaped around them.Its not racism, maybe prejudice. But though i think in friendship race should be tertiary.

  36. Aaron

    What i find interesting isn’t the ‘racism’ or ‘prejudice’, but the fact he never mentions opening up the message to see the smile. Too many guys are too quick to check out a profile, i’ve seen many flat out lie on them, without opening up the message at all, then deleting it. That’s what is irritating.

  37. Rick-Chicago

    I guess it boils down to the fact that some people don’t take rejection very well and throw down either the race or prejudice cards when a guy they want to hook up with is not interested in them. I personally like any and all men but like any other man have my personal favorites, it’s like you said, it’s all about personal choice.

  38. nuttcraka

    It’s one of the same. Do you really have to post a racial preference in your profile? If Adam4Adam had a section for that in the profile section, maybe it wouldn’t be offensive to some. But you know what you like and don’t like. Those that see that they aren’t that person’s chosen race ain’t gonna click the “Don’t show my LAST VISIT” button as an annoyance to that guy’s preference. I don’t. I have racial preferences too but I don’t display them in my profile. I’ll do the smart thing, ignore those views/responses, block ’em or kinda answer with a sincere “I’m not interested”. Why be offensive with the racial preferences listed? It does seem like prejudice, but that’s me.

  39. 4x4lvr

    If I may clarify, maybe it might be made clearer to the reader that Prejudice is an EXTERNAL, unjustified, ignorant, expression of hate for a certain GROUP of people (multiple) with certain characteristics. Most of the time, it is skin tone, or nationality, or closed-mindedness.
    Whereas, Preference is an INTERNAL sensation of what stimulates, and attracts us to a person (singular) with certain characteristics (muscles, hair, eyes) Does that help clarify the differences between the two paradigms???
    Note that each of those paradigms can apply to anyone, gay or str8, male or female, young or old, since they are universal. Often, gay guys are just as capable or worse when it comes to hating someone for whatever reason.
    Now, if there are any young, whiteboy bottoms that prefer older, hispanic tops, send them my way!! Guessed my preferences??

  40. Shawn

    I find many gay guys to be racist. It’s sad! When I lived in Boystown Chicago I found someone of the guys to be what I assume the south to be like. If it helps them to feel better about themselves good luck.

  41. JD

    This is an old conversation, but I’ll humor you.

    If it went down like you said (you looked at the guy and found out that you weren’t into him), then you’re right – that’s preference.

    But if you had already made up your mind that every single person of X group is someone you’re not into – simply because they belong to that group – that’s prejudice. Because you don’t know what they look like. They could be a tall Asian or a very light skinned black person (Vin Diesel, the Rock). They could be a blond (or Black) Latino, or a fat Italian. You simply have no idea.

    The word “prejudice” means exactly that – to pre-judge. To say “sorry, I’m not into X group” is to assume that “they all look alike”; which is obviously not true. You’d think that given all that us gays have gone through, we’d be a little less inclined to paint with such a broad brush. But generally, we act out the same behaviors.

  42. tony

    I see nothing wrong with saying what you like if you really feel you need to. The problem is when, I feel guys that don’t feel good about themselves have to put down or say what they are not into, and then put a ridiculous sorry after it, i don’t see the need and its disrespectful in my opinion, i have things or types that I may not like, if I put what i’m looking for then it is what it is not to hurt any feeling, but if i’m the common NO FATS or FEMS why dose anyone need to know that! wake up guys anyone one on here gay out, dl, bi, curious, or whatever could or would be looked at with displeasing judgement so lets just have some respect for each other and have fun meeting and doing whatever you come to A4A for

  43. PeeK

    I have to say, I do have a clear racial preference and I understand that people have and are entitled to that. However I don’t agree that that is something that needs to be spelt out on profiles.

    I have seen somethings written on profiles when it comes to racial preferences which are absolutely shocking.

    Whether you like it or not, race is a sensitive issue wherever you live in the world. And I totally support the campaign to stamp it out!

    What’s wrong with good old fashioned, ‘if he is doesn’t float your boat, don’t reply to his message, or say “No thanks!”

  44. R

    I agree it’s not racist. I know we guys like what we like. For a hookup, or fb, it’s best to stick with what you know turns you on, so both are likely to be satisfied. It’s true that you might have friends who aren’t your turn-on type, but over time an attraction might develop. In the same way, it’s possible that someone not far outside your type might turn out to be mutually attracting, and a good time happens. I’ve had that some few times. But usually, if it’s a rush, and my gut didn’t feel it, both end up disappointed. A guy knows what he likes. A hair color, voice timbre, hair texture, scent variation, cultural attitude, generational mannerisms–all are attractive by wiring or experience. I know I’ve been with guys from every race, different ethnicities, various cultural groups, ages, heights, builds, hair colors, so when someone approaches me, I know what turns me on. I try to say in my profile what I want. It challenges me when somebody doesn’t get it when I hint that attraction isn’t there. Some may not believe it, but getting with someone to avoid looking bad is going to leave him with a bad vibe in person. Now he’s been left feeling like he’s inferior. So preference, which isn’t racist, now appears to be, when it isn’t. Ask yourself, if it was any other factor, like hair color, would you reverse yourself? So why reverse over skin color or build? It’s for sex, not job opportunities or housing rights. It’s not prejudice.

  45. edgar_Truth

    interesting. i’ve had instances where some men were straight up racist ( a jewish guy told me he’d never mess with a black guy because all of them steal and are untrustworthy, which i found odd and reminded him of some of the stereotypes about Jews) or it was just preference and they were kind enough to let me down easy. I think most people when it comes to rejection just need to calm down. Now if they are blatantly being racist, then game on.

  46. Scifighter

    I have see. A few profiles on A4A. Some ppl want what they want that’s just how it is while others tend to want for a different reason all together. I think they have this pre-conceived notion that one races sexual appetite differs from another. It’s not the color of a persons skin the defines these things, it’s the person. I think ppl just love their stereo-types.

    Some ppl have no social skills and don’t know hot to put their preference into a complete sentence while others just had a bad experience and are not willing to try again.

    And let’s face the fact that some ppl are just plain racist.

    I’m just saying.

  47. Monte86

    Preference: n
    1. selection of somebody or something: the view that one person, object, or course of action is more desirable than another, or a choice based on such a view
    The judges showed a marked preference for representational art.

    2. right to express choice: the right or opportunity to choose a person, object, or course of action that is considered more desirable than another
    We exercised our preference.

    3. somebody or something preferred: a person, object, or course of action that is more desirable than another, or the state of being that desirable choice
    State your preferences clearly.

    I consider preference inclusionary and prejudice as exclusionary. i.e. I prefer latinos but I don’t disregard any race (preference); I only date latinos (prejudice). And I also consider racism as extreme. Saying you don’t want a particular race in your bed in one thing; saying that a particular race is inferior is another. There’s nothing racist about knowing what you like and going for that. I myself, am an equal opportunists when it comes to race and most perplexed by individuals that chose to date a single race that is not their own. I’m not saying that is wrong or right, but I find it fascinating.

  48. UniqueSound1987

    I must ask. Are you illiterate, or merely blind? The description/ scenario that is given falls easily under both definitions. Besides everyone knows that within this world ones faces the worst of prejudices from their own kind. Gays frown on other gays, blacks frowns on other blacks. It is merely human nature at work. It is written in plain text that the defintion of racism is prejudging someone based on their race or believing one’s race is superior. If one singles out a preferred race then it makes them racist. Assumingly they believe that no other race can fulfill sexual or other desires .

    However, because we live in the land of the free, I feel all should have the right to be racist or not. I am only bothered when someones denies that they are racist when they truly are merely because willful ignorance annoys me. If one is truly racist or prejudice in any manner I feel that they should be so openly.

    Although it is not fair, favorable by many, nor does one being prejudice gives everyone an equal opportunity, it is a given right to all of mankind. Whining about the racism and prejudices will not change it or stop it from another. In some manner or another we are all prejudice. All must come to terms and accept that their are some prejudices that will never change.

  49. Melvin

    I do not understand your post, what does (pick a race) mean never saw it on A4A. Have seen “like whites only” or like “white or latinos” is this what you mean???

  50. Oral king

    Well you defined racism and prejudice, but you didn’t define preference and preference is a noun meaning
    1. A greater liking for one alternative over another or others.
    2. A thing preferred.
    I am an black male who is mostly attracted to white males. Yes they are my preference! However I don’t exclude any other race, age, or body type. I believe it becomes a prejudice when you exclude a type of persons based solely on their race or any other attribute. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been blocked by a white male when I was only engaging in conversation. Also on the same hand I have a number of friends who were at first apprehensive about meeting because I was black, but once they met me in person we became friends, hooked up, and etc. The bottom line in my opinion is yes everyone has a preference something they desire more over the other, but a preference can quickly turn into a prejudice when the person automatically excludes someone without even trying to get to know the person.

  51. Cyan Sky

    Being a person of color I have experienced that ” I’m not into you ” moment far to often, but I don’t believe that I would call it racism every time. I would call it colorism, because I have received true hate speech from guys before so there is a difference. I think people are products of their environment, it all comes down to life experiences. Where you live, who you know, and your family upbringing. If you have been raised with stereotypical ideas about difference races that’s what you believe to be truth, and you live your life by those teaching. Now the media reinforces theses ideas also, TV, magazines, and porn mainly shine their focus on Caucasians so that’s the standard of attractiveness. It goes back to the old phrase ” Out of sight out of mind”. I’m a firm believer in ” I like what I like” but I’m also a person that try’s things out, and if i don’t like it I have a specific reason why I don’t . So honestly ask yourself why don’t I find this race etc.. sexually attractive? Now take your answer reverse it and apply it to yourself, how does that make you feel? At the end of the day we are all gay and we need to treat each other better, we have so much negative energy thrown at us just because we are gay so don’t flip out if he does not like you or visa versa, because some people are just born assholes gay or str8. Don’t let a person like that steal your joy.

  52. lottabooty

    99% +/- of the problem IS prejudice, especially in these southern confederate states where the hate and ignorance is truly amazing(southern hospitality huh? yeeee haaaa!). Me, I wasn’t raised that way and I don’t tolerate the prejudice bullshit. I’ve noticed a lot of sugar coated racism on here too. My preference is for any human who bleeds red blood, and at least 7″ if ya know what I mean.

  53. Wayne

    I think that is clearly a preference. People are attracted to what they are attracted to. It doesn’t mean they think that they are better than them or that they hate them. I so hate when I am called a racist because I don’t want to hook up a black guy.

  54. Homophilus

    This hardly makes the case that most men reject others as a matter of preference for what they like as opposed to prejudice or disinterest. This either/or apology a la Webster’s confuses the 2 outlooks. Men like having sex with partners chosen within a spectrum of discrimination – personal history/values, preferences, prejudice, cultural/ethnic biases, physical arousal/attractiveness, etc.
    A preference is possibly the most inclusive variety of discrimination: “I prefer…but I’m open to”, vice versa. The most negative expression – and most common on A4A- shows up as: [pick a race] guys only, not into [pick a race], NO [PICK A RACE]! Guys who “just like what they like” and express a preference based on racial stereotypes – like the muscled/head-ragged/big-dicked/black thug variety (mentioned on some profiles and some of this site’s banner ads) could also seem prejudiced at the very least. It does however go both ways because it’s not about rejection, it’s about the personal choice to be responsible for how we express ourselves on profiles AND how we choose to interpret/respond to other people’s appetites.

  55. headsupguy

    I believe there are two indicators that reveal whether or not you are prejudiced: 1. The terms in which you express your preferences, and 2. Your response to the approach of someone who does not fall within the parameters of your preference.

    Remember Goofus and Gallant from “Highlights” magazine? Turns out they’re gay!

    In his A4A profile, Gallant writes, “I am most attracted to other white guys in their 20s or 30s who are height/weight proportionate, but I am open to all possibilities.”

    Not one to mince words, Goofus writes in his profile, “No blacks, no fats, no olds.”

    Gallant’s profile portrays him as more approachable, so he frequently receives messages from guys whose characteristics don’t line up with his preferences. He always reads their profiles to discover whether they have common interests, then sends a message of greeting. If, after exchanging several messages, Gallant determines that he is not interested in his new acquaintance, he sends a message that reads, “I’m glad we had the opportunity to meet, but I believe we are not a good match. I wish you well in your search.” Gallant has also made several friends who don’t fit his preferences.

    When Goofus receives an occasional message, he checks the sender’s profile for age, weight and ethnicity. If the sender isn’t a hot 20-something white guy, Goofus immediately blocks the sender and deletes his message without comment. Not surprisingly, Goofus thinks the A4A website is lame.

    I have seen actual profiles that are identical to those of Goofus and Gallant. Personal history has shown that I have the best chance of success with certain types of guys. But I always interact with everyone who contacts me, and have been pleasantly surprised by wonderful experiences with some guys who were not “ideal.” I believe my life is richer for it.

  56. Luke

    I think that if you automatically discount any entire race, you’re prejudiced and racist. Not being into fat guys, fine. Not being into twinks, whatever. Not into Tattoos, your choice.

    Attraction is a fickle and on here mostly visual thing, I fully understand that, if something doesn’t make your dick hard (fat, lack of fat, hair, lack of hair.. ) that’s understandable… until you say an entire race doesn’t make your dick hard, not only do I think you’re racist, but you’re also basically saying “all [insert race] guys look alike” … which is patently untrue.

  57. Lkg4Bddy

    I am a sgwm, 65, 195(+/-), 6c. I have been rejected on each and all of those descriptors of me. The one that is the most confusing is the age. I have had some great encounters with some VERY young men, but some men much closer to my age can’t stand the thought of being with someone five years older than themselves! What’s even funnier is that I’m not attacted to men older than myself, either. If I meet someone who “melts my butter” but is older, I have been known to relax my preferences to “test the water” but usually revert back to my original standards. I agree. It’s preference and choice, not personal.

  58. Drew

    Like you said, “It’s all about personal choice.”

    Are we subject to the “thought police” now? I realize I’m not everyone’s type, and I feel no kind of way ignoring guys who aren’t my type. That’s life.

    Oh, and as long as I’m not denying someone’s pursuit of life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness [my good-good notwithstanding :)], I’m not a racist.

  59. matteroffact

    From what I see it’s only racist to the guys that feel or get rejected for trying anyways. Now if the guy you message sends an ignorant, racist message back then sure it may be racism. My profile says I’m into black and Latino guys only. Attraction is attraction plain and simple. For those who think otherwise…are you sexist because you only have sex with men and not women? Don’t think so. And I’ve heard gay men say some pretty nasty things about women.

    Seems like this topic shows up all the time and each time my answer is the same. Preference is preference whether you’re 50 and post that you’re into under 30 only or black guy that only likes white guys.

    what’s next? Hate because you like to bottom and the guy you’re trying to talk to is bottom as well and you’re suddenly ‘prejudice’ against bottoms? (Yea that happened to me before too, since apparently since I don’t “look” or “ACT” like a bottom I should top him…)


  60. Martin J

    Ha…this happens to me all the time. I’m into black guys but apparently I’m racist even though my girlfriends have all been white, my straight friends are all white and Asian. I catch so much heat just because I only like having sex with black men and not even other Latino men like myself.

    Or they label me as being “closeted” or “self-hating” because I don’t like feminine, flamboyant or cross dressers/tyranny’s. Uh no…i don’t like being around guys like that nor do I abuse the word girl and bitch in reference to other men, so we have very little in common personality-wise. You might like basketball and football all the same, but the reasons why I would be attracted to you are not there.

    Be it, black not liking white, white not wanting white, fit not liking fat, masc not liking fem, young not liking old, it all comes down to preference. And like the guy above said, its normally the ones who are mad or feel rejected that cause the issues of someone being prejudice or racist, or in my case closeted and self-hating.

  61. poleitaly1988

    im the same way……if ur black, i dont reply. black men r scary looking, dicks r to damn big, and they all look the same naked. unless theyre mocha black or black latin mixed then thats fine. asians all look alike to me naked or clothed, unless phillipino, thai or really tanned…….i dont go for jews for obvious reasons. if i see fused earlobes to face, jewhair or a jewnose, forget it. i only prefer white or latino. thats my rule. 🙂 i mostly go for white guys 99% anyway.

  62. Jupiter Jazz

    People can like whatever they like. I say just dont be rude about it. But this preference vs prejudice thing is just a smokescreen. If you only want a certain race, fine, like what you like but trying to cover your ass is just tacky…

  63. vafratboy

    By the definition you yourself provided, it’s absolutely a prejudice. You’ve already decided (an opinion formed beforehand) that you aren’t attracted to anybody of a certain race (based on insufficient knowledge; unless I suppose if you’re seen every single member of that race).

    We all have our preferences in what turns us on. I don’t think all guys who put “no [insert race]” or “only [insert race]” are racists by a long shot, but I do think they are displaying a prejudice that can be limiting for them.

    I have my preferences too, but rather than write off an entire class of people based on a general preference, I’d rather make a judgement on whether somebody turns me on on an individual basis.

    For instance, if I really think red hair is hot, it’d still be stupid for me to post “redheads only” and miss out on the one brunette just really turns me on.

  64. Bravory_1981

    Well 2 things, one I believe it is border line prejudice if not out right. As the definition states.
    ” opinion formed beforehand: a preformed opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes”
    If someone states they are not into ( insert race ) or NO (insert race ) please” I believe that is an unfair , judgmental opinion formed beforehand. why? Because you are saying that out of all the people in the whole wide will NEVER be sexually attracted to not even 1 person that is ( insert race ) That’s not only shallow minded but a very prejudice demeanor. Because I’m sure if we even lined up 10-15 porn stars that were of the race you “are not into” You’d find at least 1 one them sexually attractive. And that’s a small pool compared to the whole world.
    And second, it’s all in the presentation. there are easier ways to put it, rather than coming off as a prejudice jerk.
    Some people may say “Manly attracted to ( insert race ) but open to all” or just simply “mainly into ( insert race) ” Which leaves a slight window open. THAT is preference. Stating the aforementioned , saying that your are “ONLY into ( insert race )” or “NO ( insert race ) ” is prejudice plain and simple.

  65. WickedClub

    I’m not sure it’s an either/or situation. I think for some it does simply come down to a matter of preference and for others there’s more to it. Often our prejudices can and do influence our preferences. However, I do tend to question those who never find themselves attracted to people of other races or ethnicities. I don’t think that’s natural. Sexy comes in every color of the rainbow.

  66. marc

    We gays have been discriminated and disliked and hated for so long that we should do whatever we can to be aware of and eradicate prejudice and racism. I try to do my part in every aspect of my life.

  67. Indigo6

    Therein lies the issue: People often mistake “type” with rooted prejudice and negative biases. Generally, some elements about peoples “type” can be changed; IE: if you are an athletic person seeking someone else who is also athletic, that is a body type that can be changed. Someone can become athletic over time. You may like blondes, red-heads, green eyes, guys with dreads, bald, etc… All those are attributes that – thanks to the power of contacts and hairstylists, can be gained.

    The problem with these people who express prejudice do so on the basis of things that can’t be changed, such as race. To read someone’s profile and observe how “down to Earth” they are, “kind, goal driven and friendly” they are, only to get to the bottom and see in big letters “NO BLACKS”… That’s the embodiment of what these prejudice men are. It’s not because my skin is brown or that my hair is is curly and dark brown that some people don’t find me attractive. It’s because I wrote on my profile “African American”, and that is used somehow against me. What else can’t that be BUT prejudice?

    Of the millions of people on this planet; the vast races and blends of them (of which in America, that includes damn near everybody), for someone to pick one or two classifications of ethnicity and say “I don’t like these – no matter how much of it is in your DNA – but the rest of you are fair game!” is absolutely insane. It’s the embodiment of negative bias sculpted by whatever social construct that person has against that race.

  68. Kyle

    Ask any sociologist. At this point in our life, we have had many encounters with different races. Somewhere early on, we formed an opinion about a race. Whether it was internalized or externalized.

    If you see a white guy who doesn’t like white guys, chances are that he grew up and didn’t like himself. He probably thought of himself as ugly and therefore, found attractiveness in things that were opposite of him. This is why he’s a sucker for black guys.

    If you see a white guy who doesn’t like black guys, early on in his life, there was interaction with someone, probably a black boy, that turned him off completely. Not sexually, just mentally. It could have been a fight, could have been families feeling toward blacks, or it could have been a black person’s attitude toward him. Either way, he isn’t attracted to black guys… unless they are mixed.. some of the time lol

    I say all this because even though we aren’t racist, our internalizations manifest themselves into our relationships. Growing up, I didn’t think I was attractive. In my adult life, I know that I’m attractive, but I still prefer white guys over black guys. I’m not racist toward my own race. I just understand that, while I was younger, my self loathing of all the characteristics that make me a beautiful black man, have now carried over into my dating life.

    Unlike sexual orientation, preference can be changed, but at this point, everyone is comfortable with their preferences and don’t plan on changing anytime soon.

    So when a guy says it’s just my preference, ask him if he hated himself as a child. More times than not, he’ll think about it and tell you he struggled with accepting himself and his physical features.

  69. MM

    You can jump through hoops to rationalize it all you want, but reality is, if you’re basing your rejection of (or even interest in) someone based purely on their race, it’s racism, or at least prejudice. Simple as that.

    I can understand saying you tend to favor some race(s) over others, or that there are certain physical features and that you just don’t find attractive, which tend to be more common in guys of a certain race…fine. But race itself is an arbitrary label…it’s not coded in DNA or genetics. You’d be hard pressed to find any physical feature that comes close to being common for everyone in any given ethnic group. So to say that you’d never find [insert race here] guys attractive, tells me you have some sort of prejudice or preconceived notion about that whole race…that, by definition, IS racism. The main people who rationalize this behavior are the ones who don’t have to deal with this kind of rejection much, if at all (usually whites and some latinos).

    I’m not out to change anyone or dawn some new awakening in the gay community…but I do wish people would be more honest with themselves. Happy cruising, fellas!

    Mark aka MechanicalViolin

  70. Lucas

    I agree. Some people hand rejection terribly and project their insecurities when they aren’t the “type” the other person is after.

  71. bobbert

    If someone issues a blanket statement ruling out another person of ethnicity X without even seeing a picture of that person, then this is to form an opinion beforehand based on insufficient knowledge – in other words, it fits the writer’s definition of prejudice. Now, let me emphasize, I’m not asserting that it is prejudiced to be predisposed to persons having certain features commonly associated with a specific ethnicity. However, by eliminating entire classes of persons without even seeing the specific person in question is equivalent to asserting that one finds each and every single person of ethnicity X unattractive. And here is the step where stereotypes are invoked – otherwise, it would be impossible to make that statement unless one had seen the millions of persons identified with that particular ethnicity.

  72. ajbbincubus

    Just because we don’t hook up doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Yes.. I’ll admit it, I have a preference, but definitely not racist or prejudice here.

  73. BuffaloBttm1980

    I think it’s all about how you word it. “White guys preferred” sounds much better than “No blacks, asians, etc etc”

    I’m not into women, but that doesn’t make me misogynistic! Preferring one ethnicity over another doesn’t make me racist!

  74. MrAcademic

    Have you ever stopped to think that people just “like what they like” as a result of racist or prejudiced cultural norms that exist in our society? It’s not just skin color that you are attracted to. It’s what you beleive to be true about this person that informs your reaction to their race. And race is a basic concept anyway. To say you aren’t into a certain type of guy because of one thing is absurd. Especially if it’s race. Someone could be black for example and appear to be of another race. How would one view them? “Passing” is something deeply rooted within our society that affects everyone in some way. Isn’t it strange that these profiles are genrrally disproportionately against Asian and black men? It makes it difficult to separate those who are actually inclusive and those who are just fetishizing a group for whatever sick reason. That’s just how I feel. Why aren’t we saying things like “no assholes” or “no bigots” as opposed to “vanilla and spice only, no chocolate or rice”?

  75. MrAcademic

    As members of a community that fights so hard for equality, we are far from it internally, never mind the legal oppressions we face as queers

  76. MK

    Any public statements of such ‘preference’ is discriminatory and should not be allowed or tolerated. Keep them for yourself, but don’t harm others by putting them in your profile. If you don’t have the time or courage to sort these things out in conversation, then I can only pity you. You are diminishing your own humanity.

  77. Matt

    I prefer Latinos and whites. That does not make me a racist. Decades ago when the nation was confronting racism any “preferential” statement was instantly identified as a symptom of racism and all hell broke loose. Some amped up the drama and some went out of their way to “prove” they were OK with other races. Saying I’m interested in Latinos not interested in XYZ is no different than saying I’d buy a Mustang, but would never buy a Camaro. Society has progressed to a point that we CAN state dating preferences. Those who believe we can’t are merely reflecting their own self-fears that they have racist thoughts.

  78. DDM

    This is an interesting topic. I have a couple of feelings about it. In a way I don’t understand it, because I wouldn’t ever say that I’m not or potentially not interested in someone based on his race or color. I have been with men from all over the world and different backgrounds, and I think that hot guys come in many different forms; plus, I like variety. That being said, I definitely have preferences and races of guys that I am more frequently attracted to than others. When reading a profile and it says no [fill in the blank] it is a bit off putting to me even if I am not the one excluded (but I don’t take it personally if I am). I think it is more palatable to say what you do like, being affirmative rather than negative usually goes over better. If you know that you are not attracted to a certain race of guys and you get an email from a guy who falls under that category, just don’t reply. It’s that simple.

    I’m not sure how or why our attractions are formed, and I don’t think anyone should have to make apologies for them. I’m of the mind that as long as it i just about sex then it is fine. I mean to say that just because you wouldn’t sleep with someone of a certain race doesn’t mean that you’re racist. As long as you are willing to associate with people who you aren’t attracted to based on their race outside of the bedroom then I wouldn’t consider it to be racist. But if you don’t like, for example, Asians, and you not only wouldn’t sleep with someone who is Asian, but you wouldn’t be friends with an Asian person, then you probably have some race issues.

  79. oralgiver

    I agree completely – just because someone doesn’t want to hook up with me, it doesn’t mean that they believe in ageism, I am 62, but my looks and body just don’t do anything for them sexually. This is no more prejudice that being gay is because you are misogynist, women just don’t do anything for you sexually. I’m never upset by a turn down unless it gets nasty. Now, I have receive nasty responses and I tend to get upset by them, however, I know if I respond, it will just create a string of unpleasantness, so I let it go.

  80. menhaha

    Regardless of how you explain it, that is not what happens in reality. The manner in which they bring it across to a person leaves an individual w no choice but to label that person as racist. In my case, I’d say stupid. My profile states that I am mix and this guy who is looking for an indian guy msgs me. Not to be polite but to see if I was what he is looking for. Why would you waste both our times if I am not the race guy you’re looking for? It’s a good thing I wasn’t interested from the start. People deserve respect and not because you’re hiding behind a screen and have a block button gives you the right to abuse them. Just my opinion.

  81. Keith

    It is just like it is said, I do not have a personal dislike toward anyone just a perference to what and who I like.

  82. slimman

    You are spot on ! My preference is white because for me, there is a difference in aroma in the different ethenticities. And what I see is very important when having sex. I would not take any rejection personally and I expect the same from any man on the site. Some guys need to grow up and not stop being so sensitive. And then they feel a need to block you when they don’t want to explain themselves or are afraid what they might think!

  83. JWolf

    I think it all depends how you interact with the other person. You can be respectful of the person and still have your preferences. For me personally, I’ve noticed I’m generally attracted to guys within my same race but there are exceptions.
    Once at a club, I had an over eager guy that didn’t seem to understand that I don’t like my personal bubble of space invaded by just anyone. After gently pushing his hand away three times he called me a bigot in fairly colorful language and none too quietly. Yet, that same night I ended up making out with someone of the same race that was respectful of my personal space boundaries.
    When it comes to online profiles, I do find that using phrases such as “X race guys only” or “No X race guys” disrespectful and unnecessary. You can still turn someone down without being outright mean. Be respectful guys, we’re all looking for the same thing.

  84. Locksley

    Ok, here’s my take on the subject:

    First you should note: I prefer, ethnicity over the term race, it changes the very definitions of who/what we are as human beings alike. I guess, it was meant to divisive, in the sense that “we” weren’t quite human. However, in most cases, we’re more so, I think the term is quite antiquated, no?

    (Oscar Hammerstein)his lyrics in one of his songs, “we must teach them to hate, teach them young, before it’s too late.”

    Says alot doesn’t it? That said, hate is actually an obsession and that’s never a good thing, but rather a “psychological illness.”

    In addition, racism/hate, it’s a form of anti-social behavior, so once again, we have “psychological illness.”

    So you see, preference is really quite questionable, isn’t it, because it begs to quetsion, where did it come from, as it pertains to matters of race? But hey thats just me.

  85. stag99

    What about those who prefer hair color. Some guys just have a thing for blondes – what’s wrong with that? NOTHING

  86. libranguy

    All people of color know there are people in our ethnic groups thats can look/ pass for multiple races. Most of us are mixed. And our features show it. I am extremely dark but my lineage is a common mix of Irish,Chinese and Native American. My dark skin tends to rule out people with a prejudice. But its just as bad on the otherside with guys. Some get disappointed by my lack of stereotypically black affects. I dont have the”aroma”, “swagger”, or machismo. Im not the mandingo/thug they crave. Either way you cut it, preferring a person simply by skin, hair or, eye color is a form of racism and prejudice. You are just like you were raised to be. Congratulations you are an official robot. Happy hunting!

  87. eastvalleyoral

    @dewd11 – I hear you there I know plenty of white boys who look for black cock on line or in book stores but outside of that they want nothing to do with black guys.

    @Melvin – I purposely put [insert race here] because I didn’t want this post to sound one sided.

    @All – when we are out in the real world its all about attraction and connection and most times it doesn’t matter what race the person is. on line is obviously different in that, we base our choices on preferences.

    great comments, keep them coming!!

  88. vafratboy

    Those here saying “Is it sexist because I don’t want to have sex with women?” are making a false comparison. For the purpose of this discussion, all biological women have vaginas and lack penises. So I’m completely comfortable saying I’m not into women. For it to be comparable to saying “I’m not into [race],” what characteristic or trait are you not into that is exhibited by EVERY member of that race? I can’t really think of any traits shared by all members of a given race.

  89. Dark_Italian

    This is actually far more complicated than you have described.

    We are each a product of our environment. In today’s society, our environment is largely dictated by the media and what the media finds “attractive”. For men, this “ideal” is muscular or well toned, 20s-30s, white, and smooth chested and ass’d. This stereotype has been drilled into his for more than a decade. What we see on TV, in porn, magazines reflects this more often than not. Those who do not fit the stereotype are dismissed as “undesirable”.

    Is this racism? Or bigotry! Yes! But, not overtly so. It is mostly subliminal. Most of us aren’t even aware we are doing it until someone brings it up. Even then, our first reaction is one of shock and denial. “What? Me racist! Me ageist?!” Of course, who wants to be seen as being a racist or a bigot? Most of us like to think of ourselves as being open to everyone. But, who you can be intimate with… whether sexually or just physically (being close to), says a lot about who you are as a person.

    Perhaps, one day we will have equality in our media exposure where we get a chance to see “attractiveness” in a variety of settings and with a variety of people.

  90. John

    Giving this more thought; Who we choose to use our bodies for their and our sexual pleasure is each individual person’s right alone. It’s inane to politicize or make a racial issue out of it since it’s no one else’s business to begin with.

    Saying that someone is a racist because they claim to have their own preference is no different than the church saying homosexuals are evil because they only prefer the same sex.

    We can come up with all kinds of theories, recite all kinds of psychobabble and call each other all kinds of names, but in the end it is still no one’s business but the individual’s.

    Having a preference for whatever reason takes nothing away from anyone who never had it to begin with and nobody is simply entitled to anything just because they want it.

  91. Ed

    I’m so sick of hearing guys (white guys, in particular) saying, “Not racist, just prefer my own race.” If you have to give a fucking disclaimer, then what you’re saying probably is racist.

  92. Hollywood

    As a black male, I never get offended when I see the whole “No black guys” for those of you who get offended by this… answer me this…

    **** If this were a bisexual website and you posted “No Women” Should women get offended based upon ur sexual preference?

  93. CHd

    OK guys,

    To me, its a preference thing. Im black but i prefer white, so i put it really politely into my profile like “White is my preference, but all races welcome to chat”….the thing that would lead someone to believe one is racist is when the person has it written really impolitely like “No Black” or “No Whites”…Believe it or not, most signs in the Jim Crow era read “No Blacks” so that’s why they relate it to racism.

  94. Blake

    The fact that this question is even posed goes to show just how shallow and superficial the “gay community” is. This is the very reason you will never see me march or speak out for equal rights for gays, because they are some of the most discriminating people in our society.


    WOW, so many comments on this subject and all are respected. Whether its preference or racism we need to expand our comfort zone and maybe the best experience will present itself. I like how you said deal with rejection. After dealing with a cruel world in how slow it is to accept my sexual preference, we have to virtually deal with the small acceptances of each other. You may not like me to be with me, I respect that. Say we are not compatible because I chew with my mouth open, or you like leather and I am very conservative, not because the color of my skin.

  96. nikolas.lastname

    I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. State your preference, whatever it is, and avoid confusion from first contact. Simple.

  97. DDM

    I always find it odd when people list Latinos as a race that they prefer when trying to narrow the field of potentially interested parties. I assume that they typically mean mestizo – a person of mixed European and indigenous ancestry – the most visible types of Latin American origin in the US. However, there are a lot of people from Latin America who would be considered white or black in this country. Take William Levy and Celia Cruz, both famous Cubans, who if were seen walking down a typical American street, would not grab someone’s attention for being “Latino.” In fact there are more blacks in South America and the Caribbean than in the United States. I also know mixed race people who are ethnically ambiguous who could likely attract someone who says “I’m not attracted to…” Throughout my dating life I’ve had numerous instances where men tell me that I’m the only black guy they’ve ever been attracted to. This always strikes me as odd because, I’m often told that I’m good looking, race aside, but there are many better looking black men than me. Both of my parents come from mixed backgrounds, but I just assume that I must not look like a black person that they’re used to so if they are that unfamiliar then they probably should reserve such statements. It isn’t a compliment despite that being the intention.

  98. Chicago Karl

    I’m only writing because sooooooo many of the replies are clearly from non-whites who feel rejected.

    I’m a white guy who is rarely attracted to other white guys because I prefer smooth bodies and also am turned on by a contract in skin colors.

    My white gay friends know my preference and just don’t care. They don’t “dislike” black or Asian or whatever, they’re just not immediately attracted.

    Many (most?) guys prefer their own kind, I regularly get spurned by black guys… And move on.

    Some of you — given your ages — really need to examine the chips on your shoulders. You spent way too much time listening to Angela Davis style lectures. “The Man” is black you know…

  99. Brin

    I think we need to be careful of chalking things up to “just a preference”. Saying “I’m not attracted to this race” may sound like a simple preference, but it’s disturbingly close to “I don’t want to work with this race” or “I don’t want to hire this race”.

  100. Letstryagain

    First off, LOVE this topic.
    I would say that it is a combination of things. I’ve seen one ad which stated “no blacks, because they tend to be HIV+”. Later he states that if you could provide papers stating that you are HIV-, he would do you. Sounds like he preferred black guys, but was scared based off of his own ignorance. I would say that most of the people responding and defending their “preference” are covering something up. White guys, if you say “no blacks, not racist, it’s just a preference” you might be a little racist…..just saying….
    Black guys, if someone does not like you because you are black, don’t worry, someone else will worship you because you are black. Oh yea, can you please STOP using the “N” word?…yes I am black, and i’m just saying.

  101. Master Race

    All’s fair in love and war. Personally, I only fuck people who make me feel sexy, not guilty. PC bullshit does not extend to the bedroom. On the other hand, I’m not so crass and rude that I post stupid comments like “No asians” in my profile. Putting people down is not sexy.

  102. leo8775

    Gonna keep it short and sweet. If im not interested in someone physically. I say im not. I do not have to explain myself. It means “carry on”. And not carry yourself to a different site and try to find me there. I’m not in the market to do pitty fucks. Not everyone is into me. I accept that and don’t pout about it. A fuck is not that deep. If it is, get some help.

  103. Dave

    I’m Asian and I see the “no Asian, sorry” thing in profiles too often. How would white gay men like to read ad after ad with “no white, sorry” over and over again? Would it be preference or prejudice then? Seriously, think about it.

    Oh, and I hate the excuse that it’s a preference just like not preferring to have sex with a woman. Well, hell! When is a man of any color like having sex with a woman??!? Fuck! I’m not a woman! That makes as much sense as if you ask a straight white guy why he prefers latino women and not other men? Apples to oranges and offensive on top of that! Stop using that fucking analogy either for your preference or your racism!

  104. Darryl

    Let’s just keep it simple guys, we are all attracted to men who we find either interesting or pleasing to the eye. This world is filled with men of all races, and to not expirence the pleasure of meeting them limits you. How boring would it be to have sex with the same type of man over and over, unless it’s with someone you’re in love with. For some of you who exclude someon just on the basis of skin color, or heritage then you have some serious soul searching to do. Just think someone could feel the same way about you, how would you feel then? Here’s a test for those who think that all men of any race all look alike, open your eyes alittle more then see what’s really important.

  105. Rick

    My preference is that it not be prejudice but I often find out otherwise. It often seem to try to work out as it your dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. When really most the time its lack of information or education.
    It’s all shit’s and giggles till it giggles and shit’s

  106. Cockoholic

    I’m white and I’m only attracted to white guys. I prefer blonds and redheads, and I mention so in my profile. I don’t mention a lack of interest in other races, because I think that’s rude, and I’m not discounting the possibility that someone darker might interest me. I always chat three times minimum with someone before hooking up, and I’ve not yet found a latin or black guy who’s clicked enough for me to meet up with. I wish I was attracted to black guys, because as a size queen and a heavy bottom, I get offers from hung black guys more often than from hung white guys. I have never found a single black man attractive ever. I don’t even find darkly tanned white men attractive, and dark -haired white men need to be “Jake Gyllenhaal” cute before I find them attractive.

  107. Whistler

    I’m speaking from what I know to be true for my personal physical attractions. I’m a bisexual male, and only long haired petite brunettes and Hispanic girls turn me on. With guys I’m turned on by light skinned, athletic builds. Race plays a huge factor for me because there only certain facial characteristics which turn me on. Narrow chiseled chin with smooth gentle lips. This eliminates 90% of black folks who have much stronger jaws and large lips. My nextfeature is high prominent cheekbones. This trait can be found in all races but is predominant in whites/Hispanics. The next trait is a small to medium triangular nose with a narrow bridge. This trait is predominant in whites, Hispanics and mainland or Japanese Asians. All other races have either a broader nose or a variant in shape. Now we get to the eyes. Deep set big round or almond shaped eyes are the most appealing trait to me. This trait is completely unique to white and Hispanic men. moving up we examine the forehead and eyebrows. An angular forehead with prominent eyebrows brings the most appeal for me. This trait is primarily in whites and Hispanics. The last trait is hair. Wavy hair followed by darker straight hair is my preference. The combination of these traits will only be found in whites, Hispanics, and in rare instances, mainland Asians. Other traits do not trigger a sexual response for me. So when I say my preference is… this or that. Its based on the highest average occurance of the traits I find most appealing. Are there exceptions to the racial norms? Yes, but they are the beautiful anomalies which nature and race did not account for. However, I base my preference on the norms of a race. If this makes me racist, screw it, I’m physically engineered this way.

  108. TJ

    When I see a profile that says “no whatever race, sorry just a preference”, I can’t help but wonder is there more behind it. First off, if its just a preference, and there’s nothing else behind it, what are you apologizing for?
    And why mention THAT preference if not listing any others? Why not “no blonds, sorry just a preference” or “no pale guys, sorry just a preference?” Yes, we all have preferences, and we all at one time or another will be contacted by someone who does not meet or match those preferences-stated in our profiles or not, & have to say i’m sorry, we are not a match. That being the case, it makes one wonder if the real purpose is to state a preference or to pointedly exclude and even minimize others unnecessarily. Things that make you go hmmm….

  109. BscBlaque

    Race wise I like African, Drk South Asian, Caucasian (excluding ethnic European White descent). Being an extensive traveler, I will be the first to say that it is somewhat prejudice that my decision is based. By sitting and observing, I choose to be around dark complexion men who do not think WHITE is always right. I choose those who are just themselves and do not conform to stereotypical gay society. So anyone who is saying it is just preference is liar.

  110. whysosirius85

    I truly understand its a matter of preference. I accepted that long ago when I entered the gay world of online “activities”. It just sucks, checking out a profile having them describe you and then just being rejected for your skin color multiple times a night. It causes great confusing and frustration all the same stuff is there and works the same way…just cant help to feel different and rejected in a world where different is suppose to be ok…

  111. Hillie

    Lets be real ppl. More than a handful of guys hide behind their racist prefrence. There are way too many beautiful men of all different ethnic backgrounds so how does one exclude an entire race?
    Most guys dont even question as to why they dont venture out of their soap box and then wonder why it is their single. *smh*

  112. Kirt28202

    Even if you don’t mention your preference in your profile, a person will keep on contacting you until you hurt their feelings, piss them off or simply block them. My dick won’t rise for certain skin colors just like it won’t rise if I see a naked woman, so I say state your preference to save time. I’m not prejudice, I just know what I am attracted to and I can’t change that. Gay guys just need something to bitch about.

  113. Bravory_1981

    Well 2 things, one I believe it is border line prejudice if not out right. As the definition states.
    ” Opinion formed beforehand: a preformed opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes”
    If someone states they are not into ( insert race ) or NO (insert race ) please” I believe that is an unfair , judgmental opinion formed beforehand. why? Because you are saying that out of all the people in the whole wide will NEVER be sexually attracted to not even 1 person that is ( insert race ). That’s not only shallow minded but a very prejudice demeanor. Because I’m sure if we lined up even 10-15 porn stars that were of the race you “are not into” You’d find at least one of them sexually attractive. And that’s a small pool compared to the whole world.
    And second, it’s all in the presentation. there are easier ways to put it, rather than coming off as a prejudice jerk.Some people may say “Mainly attracted to ( insert race ) but open to all” or just simply “mainly into ( insert race) ” Which leaves a slight window open. THAT is preference. Stating the aforementioned , saying that your are “ONLY into ( insert race )” or “NO ( insert race ) ” is prejudice plain and simple.

  114. BscBlaque

    I am an African male who prefers all three races, but different ethnicities of two races ( Mongoloid and Caucusoid people). In these two races I prefer the darker ethnic people or aboriginal (original inhabitants of the southern regions). I will be the first to admit that my decision is based on prejudice…I would even say slightly racist. I do not like the scent of Euro descent white men or their coloring. They look as if they should be cold to the touch. Lighter Asians it is more of their flat facial features and lithe body. Though it is a contraindications of what I said earlier, I will not deal with halfbreeds/ multiethnic (Afro and Euro White), because that Euro white side is SO uncap pealing to me and is a turn off. So anyone who say that it is just a preference should say it is a prejudice.

  115. hmmmmmmm

    Well….one could say the same with preference to a fattie vs. in shape. We all have preferences. I can’t believe this article has even being written. All of us discriminate every single day, beit the type of coffee we drink or the clothes we wear….get over it, as free human beings we have our own individual tastes…end of story

  116. Scott

    Every ethnicity has special features that you may or may not be into, as I like more stocky guys most Asians don’t get my attention in a sexual manner but we certainly can be friends. So I don’t think its a matter or being racist. For the most part this is a hookup site, why spend time filtering through guys you’re not attacted to sexually? For me I’m a black male that mostly likes white bears. I put this in my profile to catch their attention as a lot of black guys have “no white guys” in their profile. I want the guys that I’m attracted to to know that I like them.

  117. DL

    I trully don’t care about the racists on a4a … there always will be racism in this world. What is sad some people trying to hide behind words just to find an excuse for being racist. You are a fucking racist MAN UP AND OWN it. Don’t try to give lame excuse of ‘preference’ bullshit because discrimination based on race is racism. You are SOLELY making a decision about a person based on his RACE… just cause you are not promoting the KKK doesn’t mean you’re not racist. If race blue say I prefer to only have green and yellow friends but i’m not racist i have nothing against pink and red i just prefer my friends to be blue and yellow. That’s racism. Just cause it’s sex doesn’t magically make it not so. Humans are small minded there are white racist black racist asian racist and latino racist and when it comes to sex the preference excuse is like a magic spell that transform racism into acceptable behavior… sigh ever so sad… just claim what you are and be done with it… don’t hide behind words to excuse your small mindedness it’s pathetic
    dis·crim·i·na·tion [dih-skrim-uh-ney-shuhn] Show IPA
    an act or instance of discriminating, or of making a distinction.
    treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit

  118. Nollaj

    I prefer someone tell me there preference, so then i know who I may have a chance with.

    On the other hand, I do have mixed feelings about guys that ‘hide me’.

    On occasion i hook up with a very attractive white guy and the sex is toe curling, pillow biting good. At first he told me he was discreet. Cool, no problem. I would come by at certain times, but then i noticed we knew the same ppl.

    Long story short-after a year i realized he wasn’t discreet about his sexuality, but about me. Every white person we knew (he had no black friends) basically told me he isn’t into blacks. O_o that was an awkward moment. And even when they asked me how did i know him, i lie and say we met at a bar or something, non sexual.

    Preference is respectable, but lying is another. But i can’t lie, it feels kinda good being a someones dirty little secret.

  119. Anon

    I for one believe that it can be a preference SOMETIMES. But, I am a black male living in Phoenix, Arizona and the majority of profiles I see say “no blacks” “white or light skinned Hispanic only”

    When it becomes every other profile, I start to doubt that it’s just “preference”. How can so many guys NOT prefer black guys? Preference, or something else? When you base your likes on the color of someone’s skin…well how does it sound to you?

    I love that gay guys are fighting for “equality” and to have the same rights as every one else, but we turn right around and segregate our own kind.

    And the next time you think someone can’t take rejection well because your profile says “white only”, just consider for a moment, how many times that person has had to read that before.

  120. Mgeezzz

    Its racist or prejudiced or whatever you want to call it. The whole notion that it’s just a preference is just trying to cover up that fact. I’ve seen some damn good looking blacks on here, who are cut toned successful and whatnot, but the fact remains that their black. That’s racist, not a preference. Most of he community is separated by racism and prejudice, not simple preference. White thinks stick together just as much as gangster blacks or lationos do. Sure you might get that hookup one night but I doubt you’ll get a call back the next day.

  121. TONY

    I must say I’ve never seen so many comments regarding a topic. I’m very impressed with my gay brothers and displaying the thoughts. I’m a black man and my pather of over 13 years is white. Regarding the question you like what you like. And you can’t fool your heart. I think when some one rule out another person soley because of their race, then thats make you a racist. I think you should embrace other races and cultures and learn about them and not to exclude them. It will only make you a better person and who dosen’t want to become a better person!!

  122. Dee

    Really, people? Everyone likes what they like and that’s fine. But the idea of totally blocking off an entire race because you prefer another is beyond stupid. And while it is not your historical definition of racism or prejudice, it falls into both catagories. Just because you prefer Coke, doesn’t mean you’ve never drank a Pepsi. This is why our community has only gotten as far as it ha, which isn’t far enough. We demand respect and acceptance from the world when we can’t even give it to each other. I am mixed (black, white & latino), I am out and I have dated and or hooked up with men of different races. And that makes me better than most of you messy faggot spewing bullshit on here. Good day.

  123. Martin

    I think it’s a waste of characters to say no X guys. If they contact you ignore them or say no thanks. Still unnecessary to say only X guys, but a little more useful, that way only X guys will contact you. The catch is the statement itself is kind of a turn off to me, don’t know why, but it is. So I might not contact you where I would have if that statement wasn’t there.

    Just say positive things in your profile and see what happens.

    We all have some racism and prejudice, it’s a lie to say we don’t, but some of us are more open to positive possibilities from people of groups we shy away from and others are hardcore in their aversions. It’s a bell curve of behavior/emotion.

    As for A4A profile statements, like I said, it’s a waste of characters that could be saying something positive and fun. I’ll use my limited characters as honey, thank you.

  124. Aaron

    Every1 has a preference, so excluding someone shouldn’t be condisered what I find racist is when guys are supposedly lookin for friends also but don’t want contact from a particular race. Now that’s racist and those ppl are scum!

  125. jace

    iwoukd calit preesdious thsy kjsut give popoe se as diotic as humaoly posbal i have i found gau men tn really bad when come baing really picky is kind sad to say guys the more pikcy you are thless likey you wll be of find some doent worn im picky that i thibk kind funny my swlf when get guys who are tops looking my porfile that theyu dont read my pofile and jsut lookpic asmune that ima bttom that i have laught whne guys who woght over 400 punds whoae not hight and wight perprtainat concate me thongthey will be gt do some thing with me dont ge wong if to eachr tehr own this but you migh well call baing biggoted for some say stufflike no while people pr no blacks,ect

    thei my my self find red head blonds and asain guy verry hot my self

  126. nolahola

    Raised in the South, I was not attracted to black folks, asians, latinos or anyone who was not my race or near my age. I moved to New Orleans and discovered beautiful creole and black men. I moved to L.A. and discovered sexy Latin men. I moved to San Francisco and discovered wonderful asian men. For me, it was an unknown prejudice disguised as a preference. You don’t know you are prejudiced. You just think that is what your body is responding to. It is largely unconscious. Tht said, I also think primary sexual attraction is chemical. Then, when they open their mouth, it can go deeper. (No pun intended. Open their mouth to speak.)

  127. Jay

    Preference is when guys pick out those whom they find attractive..which could be restricted only to certain ethnicities. Personally though, if its for sex or relationship, I look at the guy himself. There are incredibly hot guys on every race. It is stupid to dismiss an extremely goodlooking guy simply because he is not the ethnicity that you restrict yourself into.

    Prejudice is when you exclude all others to becoming just your friend or someone to hangout with simply because of race or skin color. What does friendship got to do with race? Some guys block you off from becoming just FRIENDS because you are not the ethnicity he wanted. Now that is outright dumb and stupid.

  128. Dennis

    I’ll put it bluntly. There is a fine line between personal preference and prejudice. But those who most often scream discrimination are the ones who can’t accept any form of rejection.

    IF a person is looking for just a FWB, then they are likely going to be a bit more open. Not always. But we each, individual, know our own likes and dislikes. I’m not going to rule out a person based on age, HIV status, race, etc. I *AM* going to rule out a person based on attitude and the interactions I have with them. IF they are physically appealing, I’m willing to be a bit more open to the possibilities. But in the end, it’s up to ME, and ONLY ME, to decide who appeals to me. IF I don’t appeal to the other person, oh well. That’s how it goes. I can accept that, with out acting like a two year and pitching a temper tantrum. For those who can’t… well that’s your problem.

  129. Francis

    I prefer the honesty, personally. I mean it’s a big thing with age too, not just race. I’m 28. If a guy is only looking for guys 25 and under and it says so on his profile then that saves me a lot of trouble. whether or not it’s prejudice, I don’t really think is for us to say. I mean, there are a good amount of over weight, if not the vast majority, that are that way because of glandular issues. So they were more or less born that way as well. So it would be just as prejudice for someone to not want to date someone that is overweight as it would be to exclude some one from your sex life based on age or rac and other preferences.

  130. endboss

    I’m sorry ya’ll can debate this all you want but, its both! guys on this site are rude and disrespectful you would think us being gay men would be a little more accepting and more sensitive to issues like that but, gay men can be even more shallow than any group on earth!

  131. Charles

    hello im aferican American male I live in the northern part of Ill an I feel racism is well an alive don’t try an cover it up a lot of our so called brothers prefer white guys but on the other hand all the white guy want is nice hard blk penis up in them an that’s all they want an a lot of blk guy want white guys just to humiliate them just like getting a notch under there belt that’s the way it works just to set down an really no each other its not just blk white it the whole gay community every body is rasist until after they get wat they want ask the questend how many whites take a blk guy home an say this is Adam an he is my partner for that matter how many of us all date out side our race very few god bless an I hope it get better

  132. Wayne

    Call it what you want but no matter your race if your profile says anything goes, NSA or hairy then we are not a fit.

  133. Maxiums

    I don’t normally care to dive too deep into these types of topics, but you really do have to wonder. Someone mentioned above that it’s silly to discard an entire ethnicity of people as there are attractive people from every country and in every ethnicity. I wholeheartedly agree with this because I myself have found this to be true. There are attractive people everywhere, and ethnicity plays no part in that. To discard an entire group is to say that you’re not even going to try to see the ones that you may end up finding attractive.

    Maybe this isn’t outright racism or prejudice and more of the person’s personal preference…what’s to say it wasn’t something that was taught to them? Many of our preferences and desires stem from lessons that we were taught growing up, whether it be from our parents, grandparents, television, or the like. While the person standing there may not outright hate or feel unusual when talking about a certain ethnicity, what’s to say that wasn’t something that was drilled into them in some form when they were growing up? Even if they had grown up, some form of that could still be in their system to where it would constantly prod at them to avoid wanting to be with anyone from said ethnicity, even if they themselves didn’t know the exact reason aside from just “preferring” someone of their own or a different one.

  134. Kurtis

    Gays are a very fickle, shallow, selfish, judgmental bunch and we need to accept that and be proud of it.

    There is nothing wrong, much less racist or discriminatory, with having a narrow, specific, long list of unattainable preferences. We all want perfection and we shouldn’t expect or settle for less.

    Regardless of what you think, you are not the youngest, hottest, prettiest, guy out there. You never have been, never will be, and that’s just how gay life is.

    Preferences are preferences and if you don’t measure up, well, buck up and put your big girl panties on and deal with it.

  135. chris

    If I look at you and you get my dick hard….We’re fucking! I could care less the color of your skin or how old you are.
    “A pretty booty is a pretty booty”

  136. Oliver

    It’s a form of racism. A man is being dismissed as sexually appealing simply because of his ethnicity – a factor over which he has no control. So when an ad states “no blacks, no Asians, no whatever,” it’s a racist preconception that those types 1) would find YOU appealing and 2) are inherently unattractive by virtue of being black or Asian or whatever.

    Worse than broadcasting this type of exclusionary racism are those who then offer a half-assed apology, “just my preference.” This arrogance assumes one asked for an apology or that some insult has been dealt than warrants an apology. If an insult has been given shotgun-fashion, then the hurt is real and is more than a mere preference.

  137. marc

    Its not that a person is not attracted to a certain race that bothers me it is the stereotype and ideology behind why they feel the way they feel that does. Way too many times depending on the state and city you hear like “ALL AMERICAN” looking for an “ALL AMERICAN” now what could they possibly be talking about could it be the old school definition of ” Caucasian male of a certain age that makes a certain income” im sure they dont mean the scholar or the athlete! it really is the underhanded implications that hide behind ” Preference not Prejudice” that I can’t stand and would hope that in 2013 a global and connected world men would stop and get rid of these preconceived notions and cramp excuses for thier prejudice ways. if you dont believe me look at certain places like seattle, austin, and boston where they say whites only! We would be stupid to believe that it simply preference not prejudice lol

  138. Monarchy79

    I’m black and ill say that it’s not fair that when white men state their preferences, they are made to feel ashamed. Personally I think the people who should be ashamed are those of other races who find this offensive, as at the end of the day, they are usually guys of other ethnicities who exclusively date outside of their own race. So in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with a white guy liking his own race, but others should ask themselves why they hate their own race so much that they incessantly chase after their ideal white man…. Lol…..

  139. Monarchy79

    With all of these preferences, it seems as if the most bitter are those who are most hypocritical. I mean if a guy you see has a bangin body and he says “no fats” , is he wrong for wanting somethihg he already has, or is the fat guy wrong for chasing after a muscle god, when there are plenty of other fat guys who are probably very nice. Everyone wants the upgrade but isn’t the upgrade themselves. Many men need to work on themselves to become their ideal,rather then letting themselves go and banking on mercy fucks…..

  140. ColoradoBro

    I grew up in Central Florida (Tampa Bay) and visited/lived all over Orlando and Miami. Then, I moved over to Texas and Colorado. Right now I live in Colorado.

    It’s such a HUGE difference in the mentality of the Latino men out here. In Florida, the Puerto Rican men tend to have a lot more respect for themselves and Black men (generally speaking). I had some good relationships/friendships with quite a few from the time I came out to the time I relocated.

    Then I come to Colorado/Texas, These guys out here are ridiculous. You have 3 types of Latin men out here to choose from as a Black person, non of them very enticing.
    1. You have the guy just looking for a Black experience/dick,
    2.the guy who’d never mess with a Black guy…with much disdain,
    3. and then the guy who is into Black guys and has a boyfriend but messes around with every Black mother f*cker he can get his hands on. Or he’s in a relationship, but likes to flirt with other Black guys on the side and leads them on. I see it all the time here.

    I’m just so sick of it. I am not just open, but have dated Black/White/Latino and even an Asian guy. So I’m not die hard preference guy. But, I see myself with a Latin guy 1 day because they often have many of the traits I’m interested in personality and looks wise. I just can’t guarantee it’ll be a Mexican guy from Colorado LOL.

  141. ColoradoBro

    To add to my other post, seems like everytime I meet a guy who isn’t Black…they always have to make it a point to tell me either they aren’t into ‘black guys’ or at some point reference that to some kind of way here in Colorado. And this to a Black guy who often gets confused for being Latino! They just make it a point to call me Black without even knowing my background lol. However, I’ve started putting in my profile that I’m Black so that I can weed out guys who might have some hidden hangups.

    I’m just like for f*cks sake, why does this need to be a conversation everytime I meet someone? To tell you the truth, I didn’t even realize being Black was so different until I moved out here LOL.

    I agree alot of this is a gay thing. My White roommates downstairs have never mentioned anything to me about being Black. But random gay people out and about don’t think twice about saying it.

  142. ColoradoBro

    I grew up in South/Central Florida. I have connected with all the major race groups, but moreso with Latinos.

    Then I come to Colorado, These guys out here are ridiculous. You often have 3 types of men out here to choose from as a Black person, non of them very enticing.
    1. You have the guy just looking for some BBC (okay fine, but doesn’t serve my purpose long-term)
    2. the guy who has no desire to get with a Black guy…
    3. and then the guy who is into Black guys and has a boyfriend but messes around with every 1 that crosses his immediate path.

    In addition, almost everytime I meet a guy who isn’t Black…they always have to make it a point to tell me either they aren’t usually into ‘black guys’ or at some point reference that to some kind of way. Before even knowing my ancestry.

    I’m just like, why does this need to be a conversation everytime I meet someone? To tell you the truth, I didn’t even realize being Black was so different until I moved out here LOL.

  143. Mike

    What people call “preference” regarding race is really just racism and intertwined with an overall racist stance towards different races or a specific race. I tested this out about a year ago by doing the same and replacing the “black” or äsian” by “jew”. The responses were hostile and I was accused of antisemitism. Many asked “what is wrong with jews?” which implies that there is something wrong with people of races most targeted (blacks and asians) by this phenomenon. Racism on itself is influenced by upbringing and peer-pressure. Same counts for this.

  144. Larry d fowler

    I am black and on this site and others I have stated what I am looking for in pretty great detail. And I used to end my profiles with “relax preference isn’t prejudice”. The reason? Oddly enough, because of the ridiculous messages I would get from white guys, who felt, get this, discriminated against. Really? Dude, we are talking about physical attraction, not a job interview or a housing application.

    I grew up in a predominately white suburban central New Jersey town. My 1st 3 girlfriends were white, my mother was worried I was prejudice. LOL I would go on to date black girls, a Colombian, an Asian black mix, etc. With females, I had very little preference as it related to skin color (which I should note again is very different than race, ethnicity, national origin et al). I did like round booties and small hand sized domed shape breast.

    I can be friends with, any ethnicity, so long as the guy is authentically himself, whatever that is. The first guy I ever messed with was my white army roommate, who incidentally had the same last name as I, which is weird in and of itself. Suffice it to say, along the way there has been Latinos (a very generic catch all), blacks, a Russian, and I think a Nigerian.

    I am attracted, sexually or physically, to men with color. And even in that there is preference. I like Hispanic men with a little meat on the bone and on the shorter side, like me, I don’t even mind a little pouch (not 2lbs of over hang, but beefy). I like black guys skinny, tall and on the darker side of dark brown, we use to call it blue black. And yes, there has been a white boy or two that has caught the eye, namely my last army roommate (plump butt, thick lips and the bluest recessed eyes), but don’t tell me I can’t have preference without being prejudice, or racist, because all that really tells me in you have nothing more than a sophomoric, intellectually immature understanding of prejudice or racism.

    LarryD has left the building.

    BTW if there are any East Indians or Arabs out there, you can get it to. 😉

  145. Dave

    You can come up with whatever excuse you want when you are rejected. I doubt it is going to change anything.
    I am a young college student. I am exposed in my daily life to all ethnic backgrounds. That said, I still know what turns me on and what doesn’t and dating someone over 5 years my senior (with very rare exceptions) is not stimulating to me then I will reject their advances, I could care less what they might consider the reason. I would not feel stimulated by dating someone old enough to be my parent, or double my weight. Any other social setting might be ok. It is not that I hate anyone because I don’t, that is unless I feel my safety is threatened.

  146. JB

    Sounds like majority of people are:

    1.       opinion formed beforehand: a preformed opinion, usually an unfavorable one, based on insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings, or inaccurate stereotypes.

    I could care less if you like my race or not. Majority of people are prejudice. Just read the definition. Some have never been with the other race but have formed an opinion based off of insufficient knowledge, irrational feelings or inaccurate stereotypes. You said it in your definition, it’s and opinion. People are still entitled to their opinion. You can’t make something sound good to benefit you. We all have been guilty of prejudice. And ignorant. Like the ones that talk about other people because of their opinion. Where’s the equality that we are suppose to be fighting for? Oh, I get it. It’s for everyone else to treat us equal and not us treat each one of us equal.

  147. eastvalleyoral

    @all – i’m wondering how many guys think ‘ no [pick a race] or [pick a race] ‘ is wrong but ‘ [pick a race] only ‘ is ok

    like I said, I believe the majority to guys on here, a huge majority of guys pick guys based on preference. preference is made up of a mixture of experience AND attraction.

    happy pride everyone!!

  148. Locksley

    When I first came out 81′ in Minneapolis, it was a fad among caucasians to have a black lover, I noticed though; the lighter, the better, lol, narcisistic, right?. I’m brown-sugar brown. It also seemed at some point for alot of black guys that they placed their worth on being associated with caucasian guys (insecurity). I’m at that point though, that as a matter of Spirituality, I’m not that into them like I use to be. I think there’s a very wide gulf between us that way. No to mention, man when you guys grow older, you really do look it for the most part. I met a guy just for a coffee date, the look of shock on his face, “you can’t be 50”, I showed him my license, he actually seemed upset by it! I think rejection, all too often can be the Creator’s protection, it stopped hurting from caucasians. It just means we really have nothing incommon inwhich to build something real with. I don’t mind friends, lovers no, I doubt it. I think black guys need to get over it, stop tryin’ to get these people to love you, you love you! I think there’s whole psychological, “accept me bullshit” goin’ on with some of us, it bothers me to see that, but, thats just me, again.

  149. MicahHeath

    As long as we are debating words as wells as intentions, the word “preference” is almost always misleading in these circumstances. When people here say they are only looking for X, that is not a “preference” but a “requirement”. I have a preference for chocolate mint chip ice cream, but I won’t turn down chocolate chip cookie dough. But my requirement is that anything be kosher, since I only eat kosher. Stop abusing the word “preference” and the polite cover-up of racism, sexism, agism is abolished.

  150. md

    if you scream “racist” because someone rejects you, it’s as absurd as calling us “sexist” because we reject women. people like what they are attracted to, whether it’s intelligence, values, personality, or physical features. it does not make someone a racist.

  151. HatesKurtisComment

    right! @Chris if skin color has something to do with it youre racist.

    how can I just not be attracted to a particular race? that’s dumb. as many time as I want to put on my profile “not into blacks” I always bite my tongue when one black guy comes around that I want to pounce.

  152. Hunter0500

    “Gays are a very fickle, shallow, selfish, judgmental bunch and we need to accept that and be proud of it.”

    Only those gays bent on maintaining the Gay Brand as being composed of guys that are “very fickle, shallow, selfish, judgmental… (needing)accept that and be proud of it” while being urban, young, smooth, trendy, and sexually irresponsbile. Gays who, in fact, are only a small percentage of gays overall. These “Loud and Proud” are bent upon staying where they are: unaccepted, misunderstood, feeling entitled to acceptance while offering NO acceptance for anyone who is not like them … heterosexual or gays who do not live their lives according to the sad list of charracteristic above.

    Many tens of thousands of gays do not fit the sterotype forced on the world by this minority. Many tens of thousands of gays have found acceptance and lives full in all aspects. Being gay is not the sad, clown-like life the Loud and Proud continue to pound. Fortunately, many gays and heteros have become numb to the pounding and have brought forth that gays are, in fact, not the leppers some of them too often and too loudly make all gays out to be. People in general are finding many many gays that don’t fit the mold: great neighbors, great family members, great co-workers, greater church members, etc. Why? Because they’re just great people, not “*gays*!!” who are a very fickle, shallow, selfish, judgmental, and accepting and proud of it.

  153. John

    We are all racists, so get over it. People who make the biggest fuss about racism issues are more often than not the biggest racists out there. It’s their own inferior complex which causes them to believe they are so sanctimonious as they point their fingers at others in a feeble attempt to distract anyone from noticing what they really are.

  154. Skyfallguy

    Now there’s a lot we could get into regarding the “history of beauty”, but honestly that’s a whole class, and there’s no way to really change anyone’s mind on an online forum. I will say I feel that its prejudice based on my experience outlined below…

    Example 1
    “I don’t like black guys, but I find you very attractive.”

    Example 2
    Him: Are you mixed?
    Me: No.
    Him: Oh well you’re very attractive. I don’t like black guys though.

    What would you call that???

    Example 3
    I bussed it from NYC to Denver, and I thought it’d be interesting to see who would contact me, on this site, as I passed through different cities. I did not make 1st contact in any of the cities. In general I was more likely to be contacted by minorities. So that tells me that there’s some obvious gap due to skin color…In terms of white respondents NYC, Jersey, Boston. In Pittsburgh produced some attractive mates. Philidelphia was strange cause I was only contacted by white men (he even bought me a philly cheesesteak!), Indiana I was basically contacted because I was the only one in the area, he was older. He also said he wasn’t usually into black guys but he’d give it a shot if I was interested…In St. Louis and Kansas City I was only contacted by 1 white guy. The rest were minorities. Then I got back to Denver…well I’ll say that numbers deff play a factor in people’s perception. I find white women kinda flock to me, so the reason white men don’t baffles me.

  155. MG

    I dont care what anyone thinks, call me racist/prejudiced, whatever. Im not interested in black guys at all, and I state it in my profile. Any drama, and its “blockage”.

  156. Anthony

    Yes, preferences really do exist, just as racism does as well. Being a multiracial guy myself (Afro-American, Italian and Cherokee), seeing some of the aforementioned “preferences” is quite interesting to say the least. Speaking from my own personal experiences, there is most certainly a lot of prejudice happening on a4a. Maybe people just aren’t stating their intentions properly, or perhaps they aren’t sure of what they are truly seeking. But to be turned away, ignored, blocked, etc. from a person (claiming to be seeking friends only) based on ethnicity will definitely raise some red flags. Since when did friendships require any specify image necessities? Speaking as a black man, it’s extremely unfair being judged because of stereotypings put on our race, seeing how a stereotype is a fictional attribute in reality. But I’m also a white man (though physically it’s note very noticeable), so I see how things are from that perspective as well. I personally like certain traits in a man that aren’t usually available in all races, but at the same time I won’t turn a person away simply because they aren’t possessing those traits as they may have other traits that trump what I am looking for! I try not to associate myself with the “racist games” due to their ignorant and unintelligent nature. The very idea of it makes me feel uneasy. So for someone to include me in such games (unintentional or not) makes me all the more upset about it. General rejection does not bother me, as I’m a big boy so understand how that goes. But what I do find bothersome is seeing “…white, Hispanic, asian and “etc” men are welcomed. But not into blacks, sorry, just my preference.” Clearly preference is not what’s going on in cases like that. Some will go even further to specify that light skinned are ok (or may be considered.) call it what you want, dress it up however you’d like, paint it as intricately as desired… But at the end of the day, that is pure racism hard at work. But acknowledging the saying “it is what it is…” I demonstrate a gesture of a more higher and mature intelligence level by just making the ultimate move. By that I mean just moving on. Be it to the next profile or bigger and better things, all you can really do is just move on and get over it, so do just that and be done with the ignorance!

  157. David

    I didnt see it that way….generally im not into certain races, but then again its the swaggers im not interested….so i agree with not saying what race you not into…fair enough…to me, i dont care…however, let me tell you what is racist and offensive…when white people (mainstream) culture say they love them some black etc. it makes us feel like you only interested in the color of our skin or the generalized culture not because we are beautiful people or you can identify with our energy to your own, but because we black…that is so damn offensive and how it was during slavery. So if we going use this topic, lets include that too..




  159. Race Is A Big Deal to Americans

    I don’t know if it’s racism as much as it is a reflection of the racialized society we live in. Others may not agree, but we live in a white dominated society and whiteness is especially in demand during hard economic times. I am an attractive, successful black man and I don’t get half of the play that some unemployed, white crack head would get. When we look at profile assets, white is the best you can have, then comes youth, then maybe riches and a jacked physique. People of color are in the fetish category. I’m not pointing fingers because I myself am way more skeptical when I meet black men. We are inundated with negative imagery of black men being drug addicts, thieves, STI/STD rampant, etc. Many minorities date white guys because it gives them a certain cachet, especially if you’re ambitious and trying to move up social classes. Who gets nice inheritances from their wealthy grandparents? It’s rarely some minority or immigrant. Welcome to America!

  160. Race Is A Big Deal to Americans

    I don’t know if it’s racism as much as it is a reflection of the racialized society we live in. Others may not agree, but we live in a white dominated society and whiteness is especially in demand during hard economic times. I am an attractive, successful black man and I don’t get half of the play that some unemployed, white crack head would get. When we look at profile assets, white is the best you can have, then comes youth, then maybe riches and a jacked physique. People of color are in the fetish category. I’m not pointing fingers because I myself am way more skeptical when I meet black men. We are inundated with negative imagery of black men being drug addicts, thieves, STI/STD rampant, etc. Many minorities date white guys because it gives them a certain cachet, especially if you’re ambitious and trying to move up social classes. Who gets nice inheritances from their wealthy grandparents? It’s rarely some minority or immigrant. Welcome to America!

  161. Shyboi90

    The problem begins when people begin applying their sexual preferences to the general population. Just like a person that is considered least attractive by societal standards is least likely to get hired at a certain job than a more attractive person, gay men often use the same things in terms of race. It becomes a bigger problem when a guy from race A will not even talk to a guy from race B when he’s just asking for directions…..(and yes, it really does go that deep sometimes). It becomes a problem when a guy from race B will not even give a chance to the person from race A that just wants to be platonic friends with them the time of the day, yet the guy from race B will turn around and talk about how stuck up and snobbish or uneducated people from race A are.

    Like I said, the sexual preference alone isn’t prejudice, but it’s how you state it. Also when these sexual preferences start to creep into your general life interactions with people…that can be a problem and many people may not even know it.

    Unfortunately, humans will rate how much they like someone based on attractiveness alone, which is regulated by the general culture usually. Sad but true reality.

    I would also like to point out a few things. You cannot compare race and weight. Obesity is a health hazard, and humans realize that. Just as you cannot compare race with age. Humans often prefer people around their age. If a 20 year old guy gets into a hardcore relationship with an 80 year old guy, and the 80 year old dies, how can that be a lasting relationship. If older people are all the younger guy goes for, people will accuse him of being a golddigger. Humans do not want to be left alone, so they tend to choose partners around their age.

    It does it a bit complicated when it comes to race though, because while some races may have slightly different advantages over others, these can all be overcome by their environment. Humans tend to draw to people that look like them (nature) but also tend to draw to people that are, in terms of the majority, the standard of beauty or what seems to be ”exotic” or different to them. (nurture/environmental differences). Of course there is variation, but for the most part, in ANY society, it seems somewhat correct.

    So yah….basically humans are naturally shallow, selfish, narcissistic jack@sses (well it seems that way to be anyway.

    A realest/pessimist

  162. John

    I like guys with more of a natural, earthy look to them, who have their own, less common look, plus a genuine personality and a mind of their very own, meaning those who do not need to follow anything like fads, fashion or use whatever superficial catch phrases happen to be popular at the moment in order to falsely make themselves appear interesting. Even a guy I don’t find as attractive on the outside can be very attractive personality-wise and even more attractive if we have other things we like in common. This I am perfectly satisfied with and have no desire to sexually try out other types just because they exist. Some might say that’s my loss, but I say I’ll never miss it if I never had it to begin with, so nothing is lost by me.

    The many on here playing their “race” cards for whatever reason or claiming they enjoy having sex with all ethnicities equally only proves that there are plenty of guys out there who will hookup with the guys that are complaining most about those who say they are not attracted to them sexually. Nobody is that special that they deserve to have it all.

    This is pretty much just a dramatized non-issue and I speculate the fuss is less about who finds who attractive or not and more about something else that’s not being revealed. Only they know what that is.

  163. Keith

    It is what it is. We have our attractions, predilections, proclivities. I am attracted to those I am attracted to. My preference has no bearing on you or your life. Get over it. Sniveling and whining over someone NOT attracted to you is YOUR problem. Everyone has people attracted to them. If you’re lucky, you’re attracted back. It’s all about finding the match. Whining about racism or prejudice is just an excuse for not finding who / what you want on a site. Get over it and move along. People who don’t whine are far more attractive than the self righteous, self important sniveling twits complaining that “nobody wants me”. You may be right, and it has more to do with your entitlement attitude than anything else.

  164. Eric

    A hot guy is a hot guy no matter what color the skin. But it is a preference which is sometimes based out of predjudice or racism. Not being into bears is another preference, or guys over/under 30. Some guys are just assholes and think they are so hot everyone should want them. I like your ass not that you arw one.

  165. John

    How come so many gays are still using the term “hot’? It’s so 1980s pass’e lol! It’s like some silly people who still say “sup”? or wassup”?

    Just a random ponder is all.

  166. Warm Dawn

    No one ever seems to mention the obvious: Why bypass every other dealbreaker just to make sure you mention race? Okay, you’re not into Blacks… Would you date a white guy who is autistic? Obese? Living with a disability? A high school dropout? Works at McDonalds?

    It seems very interesting that people want to use the word limit to get that “race clause” in there. In my opinion, leave your preferences for the inbox. You come across as a more gracious, mature person.

  167. John

    Warm Dawn:

    Good point.

    I personally don’t put who I am definitely not into in my profile. When I get a message I just hover my mouse over the username and their photo pops up. If it’s someone who does nothing for me visually I just delete the message and move on. If they have no photo then I’m not interested in them either.

    It’s their problem if they get upset because I choose not to reply to their message. I treat the messages from those I’m not interested in just like spam email, junk snail mail or telemarketers in that I am in no way obligated to reply if I do not care to.

  168. JoseDuarte

    it definitely is both racist and prejudice yes you like who you like but personally my mother told me if you do not have anything nice to say (or post) shut your mouth as an BLACK man most of my boyfriends or friends are white or hispanic not because of choice but that is just the area in which i live in i dated a black man ONCE after after 30 minutes into the date he asked me why do i talk so WHITE or proper i then asked him why cant i talk like i am educated i got the check and left i would absolutely love to have more BLACK friends and date more of my own race as for OTHERS do not knock what you have not tried yet or are misinformed about OPEN YOUR HEART AND LET LOVE BE YOUR EYES

  169. Warm Dawn

    Here’s an example for some.

    I’m going to list a few phenomena:

    A heart beating
    A large intestine digesting
    A brain forming connections
    Not being attracted to Black people.

    Whereas 3 of these examples are natural adaptations that warrants the phrase “It just is,” (even though there are books written on all of these processes) not being attracted to Black people does not fit into that category. It is a social phenomena, and I have not found a social phenomena yet that does not have an explanation/causation. Now, you can say “it’s just a preference” to strangers if you don’t want to delve, but that that is the same as you’re mother telling you “Don’t get a tattoo because I SAID SO.” Now, there are many reasons I should not get a tattoo that have to do with the tattoo itself, and none of those reasons involve “because my mother said not to”.

    Basically, you don’t need to tell me why you don’t like ______ guys, but you should be able to analyze your own discriminating behaviors in order to figure out who you are and what you believe in…. But many people don’t want to believe that they could be one of “those bad people”…. So “it’s just a preference” suffices.

    But it’s never “just” a preference.

  170. John...

    Being a racist or whatever is also a preference, so quit saying a preference isn’t a preference.

    If I choose to not be attracted to _______ guys for whatever reason it’s my choice and nobody else’s business. It’s my body and I have every right to make a decision as to who I want to allow access to it, no matter what my reason is.

    Because a guy is a different ethnicity than me does not entitle him to get anything he wants from me just because he can play a race card or whatever in an attempt to guilt me into it.

    Now if I were denying someone a job, equal pay, housing etc., based on their ethnicity there would be case to be made, but not wishing to allow someone to use my body is my choice alone no matter if it’s based on racism or any other ism.

  171. Warm Dawn


    No one needs or wants you to have sex with people you don’t want to. I honestly can’t care less in regards to who you let “use your body.” However, that is not nor has it ever been the point of this article. This is about discrimination in its most basic form. Whether the prejudice you have is based on irrational racial logic is no one’s business but your own. You are right in that regard. However, people should not go around thinking that whatever discriminations or prejudices they have in their bedroom can never creep over into their lives outside of the bedroom. And they should never let their prejudices run unchecked.

    When I hear “it’s just a preference,” my first impression is “Well, this person must not have any clue about their social programming” which usually means that they perpetuate systemic oppression without even realizing. THAT I have a problem with.

  172. John...

    Warm Dawn:

    That is only an assumption on your part. Sounds to me like you are basing your thoughts and feelings more on popular, generic rhetoric than genuine facts. It’s like saying that smoking pot always leads to shooting heroin, which is only true to those who buy into the lie and help keep spreading it.

    Either case is only proof by assertion. “A lie told often enough becomes the truth” – Vladimir Lenin

  173. Lancguyheartx

    This happened to me last week. Some dude on Adam told me “I don’t do niggers”. Talk about what the fuck! I understand everyone has their own preference, however it can cross over into straight up racism. I am a black male and use to only have one type, but now as I’m 28 I see how all races are sexy and I can’t limit sex or love to color.

    My vlog about it: www.

  174. John...


    “I don’t do niggers” is way over the line and totally uncalled for. A simple “I’m not interested” or even a more honest “I’m not into black guys” would have accomplished the same thing, without having to sink to also calling someone a name in the process of turning their advances down. People who are not sexually aroused by others, be it for racism or any other reason have no excuse to be so damn nasty about it.

    It’s not that they are gay and their personal sexual preference causes or will eventually cause them to be racist. These people were racists long before they came to understand that they were gay and many of them hated gays before they came to accept that they were also gay.

    I checked out your video, which is very good by the way and you might want to think about it a little bit more and consider other reasons why some people aren’t sexually attracted to black people or other races.

    Skin color can of course be one reason for some people, but it’s not for everyone. There are other reasons like culture where one may just not have anything in common with the other’s culture and or have no interest in learning about and taking part in other cultures. Some people are just comfortable and satisfied right where they are (me) and others are explorers. All of the greatest discoveries ever made were made by one or a few, not an entire population.

    One other thing, (pretty important) is the “racism” baggage that black people and other races inadvertently bring along with them, which is of course their right to do so and something that can’t be helped because it’s been and will continue to be such a big part of their lives and will naturally tend to surface often. Even though it stems from injustice it’s still not much different than any other type of drama someone may bring to a relationship.

    Many people don’t want to be activists or get involved in the whole racist argument. They have not experienced and lived with it their whole lives, but they do have some inkling that it’s not at all a pleasant experience. The only way they can truly understand it is to experience it themselves, but not many people really want to purposely attempt to make themselves feel that miserable for that long, (if at all) in an attempt to understand something and who can blame them for that?

    Anyway; my point is: Skin color seems to be the only thing some people will accept as a reason for someone else not being attracted to them sexually, but there are different reasons which have nothing to do with skin color.

  175. MalcolmXXX

    Racial prejudice, racism or just personal preference? Well, there is a fine line between them all. And the only person who can ACCURATELY judge the difference is the person whose preference is in question.
    Some people’s personal preferences for physical attraction are not the same as, say, their preference for the types of people they would rather be friends with. If a black guy happens to be attracted to dark skin, and wider noses…he may say his general preference is for other black males or dark skinned latinos. It doesn’t mean he hates white men. It doesn’t even mean he won’t be attracted to white males with certain physical or mental attributes. It is a general profile of who he has been attracted to in the past. It is a LEAP to judgement to say he is racist or racially prejudiced.
    Also, many people don’t often venture outside of their social or cultural comfort zones. If a white male was raised in a mostly white environment, he may not feel socially comfortable approaching a latino or black male. Because of this discomfort, he may say WHITE ONLY on his profile. This does not immediately equal racism or racial prejudice. Again, it may simply be a profile of people he has been comfortable with in the past.
    Lets not jump to conclusions on these issues. You may be making an assumption that a great person is a racist because you judged him prematurely…at this point YOU would be prejudiced against people you SUSPECT to be racist.
    Besides, there are many ways to be attracted to all types of people other than sexual attraction. Sometimes you are attracted to a person as a friend, which supersedes their looks, skin color or cultural background. If your entire network of friends AND lovers is completely homogeneous…THEN you might want to soul search to see if there are issues of racism in your heart.
    Again, no one can answer the question: IS HE RACIST or RACIALLY PREJUDICED?…except you.

  176. sloppytoppy

    oh well.. guess what?? NOTHING WAS SOLVED.. My whole thing is just do you, who gives a fuck if a white guy or black guy tells you they aren’t interested in your race.. I know it may hurt for momentarily but it makes you a stronger person..

  177. Warm Dawn


    You are wrong in the assertion that I made an assumption. On the contrary, my statement

    “However, people should not go around thinking that whatever discriminations or prejudices they have in their bedroom can never creep over into their lives outside of the bedroom.”

    Is not an assumption. It actually CHALLENGES the POPULAR assumption that many guys on here have (my proof to that is the many comments that have been made on this thread alone) that their discriminations against people of color have NOTHING to do with race relations/racism/supremacy.

    “I do not like green eggs and ham.
    I do not like them, Sam-I-am.” -Anonymous

  178. DK

    It’s not conscious racism, but a result of racially exclusive conditioning — and it is a uniquely American phenomenon. From birth till death, Americans are bombarded with subliminal messaging that white is right, white is beautiful, white features are attractive and dark/black is wrong, unattractive, and ugly. The doll experiment frequently done with toddlers confirms this.

    This goes double in the gay community, where despite a ton of smoking hot black dudes, 99% of the bartenders, mainstream porn stars, gay models, and go-go boys — those who are presented as the gay ideal — are white or white-looking Latinos. I canceled my subscription to gay magazines when I realized there wasn’t one representation of a black male as attractive. Not one. The only time black men are represented in gay porn, for example, is as “thugs” — good for a sexual adventure but not dating material, obviously.

    If attractiveness and arousal are constantly paired with whiteness, of course nearly everyone in our community is conditioned to want that. It’s the conditioning and learning that is “racist” not the people who have been so conditioned.

    I’ve always thought in the back of my head I was more goodlooking that American gays gave me credit for. I’ve had girls tell me all the time that I was “gorgeous” but American guys have been so relatively uninterested that I’ve had doubts about my look. My straight best friend once told me “I don’t understand your esteem issues. You’re buff, you’re handsome, you should be able to have any guy you want.” I’ve been accused of having fake humility.

    Until I traveled to London, Copenhagen, Prague, Berlin, Sydney etc. What a paradigm shift. Over there, guys who would be 10s in America were constantly telling me I was “hot” and “beautiful.” I was stunned, and they were stunned that I was stunned. Back in West Hollywood — of course whenever I go out I am NEVER hit on unless it’s by older guys. I just now now, thanks to traveling the world, that’s it’s not because I’m not attractive. It’s because of America’s history of racial strife and the social conditioning in media — especially the gay media.

    So are these preferences racist? Nope, not explicitly — they are actually quite understandable given the way black men are portrayed in America and in the gay media. Are these preference unfair to guys like me? Yes. And I can’t wait to be done with grad school so I can move to a place where I don’t have to deal with them, don’t have to doubt my looks, and can feel wanted like I do when I travel.

    To attractive American gays with the ‘wrong’ skin color: travel. You’ll learn what you’re really worth if you don’t already know.

  179. Warm Dawn


    While I do agree with some of your statements, let’s remember that saying “Whites Only” when you are White is NOT the same thing as saying “No Blacks” when you’re White. Both are two-word phrases, but both have their own unique dynamics.

    The second phrase is what many of the commentators seem to be focusing on. What’s interesting is that, even though we have all races represented here, everyone still makes it a Black/White duality (with other races chiming in on their behalf, only to have their comments disappear in the foolishness). There always seem to be a method to the madness.

  180. Warm Dawn


    I see that your last comment was not a response to what I said, but merely a jab at my character. That’s usually screams “I have nothing more of substance to add.”

    It’s been a pleasure talking with you.

  181. John...

    Warm Dawn:

    No. it was only a response to what you said. I can’t help it if you just can’t get it. Accusing me of taking a jab at at character simply because you are unable or unwilling to view live with a wider lens is only a cop out on your part.

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