Health: Feel like having sex ?

There are many motivations for having sex. Some people have sex because they believe that if they keep trying they will meet the man of their dreams, others feel disconnected and are looking for a connection to other men, while others simply have sex because it feels good. Maybe we have all experienced each of these and more at different times in our life, I know I have.
No matter why you have sex, there will always be some type of outcome from your having sex.
I know in my life there have been times when I have been desperately lonely and could not get enough sex to change my feelings while at other times I could care less about sex, and even on occasion (especially when I was a tad younger) I have just been so horny that there was no conscious reason to have sex other than just to get off.
There are tons of resources regarding gay men and physical health, especially regarding STDs and HIV. There is even a great blog by Jim Pickett and LifeLube that asks gay men “How Are You Healthy”. But there is very little that is readily available on the internet that talks about gay sex and emotional health outside of the context of STDs and HIV.
Since this blog is about having conversations, rather than me telling you how you should, can, might have a healthy emotional life regarding your sexual practices, I thought I would ask you what you think.
So have at it and let’s discover each other’s views:
What does emotional health look like for gay men in regards to sex?
How do / can we have sex in an emotionally healthy way?


There are 61 comments

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  1. Ray

    I would like to say that this topic is very important. In my view, a lot of men in our society today have sex just to have sex. Even while dating, even when they are not ready for a relationship have sex, maybe to alleviate the pain of the loss they gone through. That to me is not right or fair for the other person and let alone have unprotected sex and give them an STD ( I should know it happened to me). That is also how you spread STD and HIV. We have to conscious of the things we do and how we do it. It’s fun to have sex and meet new people that we may find attractive. But, abstaining yourself from having sex will save you a lot of trouble in the end. I would like to hear more topics like this in the future. Thanks again and good luck.

  2. Alex

    I’ve never been in love. I’ve never shared an emotional and sexual connection with another person.

    All the sex that I’ve had so far has been completely empty, devoid of passion, and has left me feeling less than I felt before.

    I’m so bored of that kind of sex.

    I have nothing against one night stands, but I feel that people don’t put enough energy into making the sexual experience something incredible.

    My goal is to share sexual experiences with loving friends and possibly a lover. I know for sure that the quality of the sexual experience is magnified by and directly correlates to the intensity of the emotional connection. Passion ignites, greed rapes.

    I’m only 19, but I’ve had numerous sexual encounters, and not even the hottest man can turn me on anymore without the emotional connection. I have higher standards now. I’m not easily swayed by physical appearances. I’m not naive. I feel just as sexually aroused as any other men. I get horny all the time. However, and my friends agree with me, I am painfully aware of how unsatisfying an NSA/Anonymous encounter is.

    I think it’s time for everyone to grow up and realize that sharing your soul with someone during sex doesn’t mean requiring their unconditional romantic affection for the rest of your life. You can experience passion, share your heart, put your soul into the sex, without becoming needy or creating an awkward situation. It only requires the integrity to be completely honest about who you are and what you want, love in its many forms including compassion, and a sense of unity in our community, who we are as gay men, and as the human race.

    Integrity, Love, Unity



  3. Juan

    I used to feel like I had to have some kind of encounter when I was younger, but for the last 10 years, (I’m 40), it seems like I want to make a real connection with someone. I witnessed all the devastation of the early epidemic, so emotionally there has always been fear associated with sex.

  4. jade

    i think in all honesty the only reason why gay men are so promiscuous is because in a way they are searching for that guy to fill that void, in my case alot of times it just kinda happens, i dont mean for it to cause you know it would be nice to actually get to know someone and possibly start a relationship with them but i think hormones kinda take over lol

  5. Daniel

    Hello fellow gay men! Quite striking/interesting subject. Looking at the topic with contributing my experience, I feel like to say that many, many gays are blinded with the thoughts and opinions like “Oh yes, I can have sex all the time, everybody wants me” or “I work out on regular basis, I know I’m healthy, nothing will happen to me” or “I’m not happy, having sex is helping me” (this one is definitely me, for now at least)
    First, it put me under a serious danger of getting infected by unhealthy easily transmitted STD’s including the HIV virus. Second, it’s not helping me to fulfilled me emotionally but hurting me because quite often the pleasure is fading away after an hour or two and that’s when even passion was involved! Not good.
    I seriously had to be tested twice within 4 months because I knew I had to be sleeping with HIV+ person. I got tested twice within 5 months and proven healthy.
    Overall, I believe that most of us like the sexual acting, which is not always the worst but it need to stay in a range of avoiding jumping into many pools without knowing if you’ll freeze or get burned from the water.

    Getting to know someone who gives you butterflies as well it’s worth it to do so!



  6. Mariano

    Not enough articles like this online. I don’t think my suggestions for how I really feel makes a diffrence because often times men just have sex to be in control of something…often when they cant control themselves or others close to them they want something easy/quick and pleasureable so the turn to sex. Its no secret that there is a advantage to choosing sex as opposed to a hobbie because the orgasim is the motivator and men think with their dicks and thats my take on it. You want a succesful relationship? Dont ever think its ok to control the guy you are seeing because he will have to control something and given the prior knowledge noted above he may just make the wrong choice and sleep around behind your back, and thats no good for anyone.

  7. Michael

    I think this is a very important topic that doesn’t get near enough the amount of discussion that it does. Gay men get a bad rap most of the time for being thought of as beings that only have meaningless, NSA sex because they are afraid to commit themselves to someone. However, I’m pretty sure this happens in the heterosexual world as well, so we shouldn’t get all the blame for it.

    I currently am in my mid-20’s. I’ve experienced sex in just about every way imaginable: NSA, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, and in a committed relationship. I would have to say that some of the best, most passionate experiences I have had have been when I wasn’t in a relationship with someone, but emotionally, it is truly the best when you are sharing yourself with someone when you’re in a relationship with them. You’ve given yourself the time to really get to know your partner emotionally and physically so you know exactly what to do to make it a pleasurable experience for you both. At least that’s how I feel about it given my personal life experience.

    As for today, I still have experiences now and again that are of an NSA nature, but I have grown tired and weary of that and am VERY selective of whom I do that with. Sex for me is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly and I always take the utmost precaution in being as safe as possible, both with protection and not doing anything that would be deemed really unsafe (though I suppose the definition of “unsafe” varies from person to person). I look for a more emotional connection with someone instead of a “Holy crap you’re hot, let’s bang!” sort of thing. Having sex with someone you really care about makes the experience so much more pleasurable and passionate, so that’s what I look for the most.

  8. Dwayne

    Sex can inhibit such risks that it just isn’t doable for me to have one night stands. I am d&d free, and so tired of having meaningless sex with whoever comes along. I like to take things slow, and its a basic turn off for me when a guy messages me asking for sex, its a sure way of me not talking to the guy again.

    My goal for the last few years has been to find a guy and get to know him before we head off to the bedroom. To see if there is a connection with us and take things slow to make sure its really there. Yeah, I am a guy, and of course I get horny most of the time. And if I am seeing someone, I have strong temptations to go for it a bit too early. Safety first, because, there is just much at risk not to be safe.

  9. Jorge

    Quite honestly I’m one of those who has sex because I’m looking for that guy who is really passionate while at it and I can feel a connection with. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have sex with every guy I meet, I’m kind of selective and very, very safe. If/when I feel there’s no connection (and so it happens it becomes really boring-at least for me) I come up front and let the other guy know. I’ve been f-buddy with a guy for about a year now and we’ve made it clear that we’re having sex because we’re both physically attracted to each other, but we don’t have any qualities in common that would make us become partners in a relationship. Man, it’s so complicated..

  10. Marvin

    The best question ever posed on this site. I’ve never felt compelled to leave a comment until today. The best way to answer the question is simple, everyone’s comments are right. Human emotions are a hot mess and gay men are vessels overloaded with them. We need to accept that we are all sexual beings, gay men more so. Add all this up and we are bound to make mistakes and misjudge situations. We take for granted when someone says hi unless we are hard and ready to rock. We are not perfect but we are who we are. Responsibility and accountability for our actions can help guide us to make better decisions. However, the old joke “a cock has no conscious” makes it difficult to find our way to making better decisions.

  11. Jay

    Thanks for this opportunity to express my feeling on this subject. I think it has a LOT to do with EGO. Many men want to show off their bodies, their cocks, their asses and to see if YOU can exceed them. “Who’s better” syndrome. For many its about size…small hips and stomach, pouty booty and big cocks…they want to be adored and some don’t realize this is no replacement for love. Desire, sexual excitement, need, IS NOT love folks. Controlling the “body” of their excitement isn’t love. But, men who are usually not in touch with their emotional side don’t realize this. They drift from beautiful body to big cock and still are empty. If someone says I love u in some of these relationships, they want to run…NSA, NSA, NSA. Younger men particularly are hedonistic…things, perfect apartment, cars, muscles, white teeth, cool hair, large cock, perfect cocks, juicy balls….really shallow. AS they get older, they’re still into the physical aspects of their next prospect. If they would lessen their physical requirements, they would find someone beautiful “inside.” I did. I started lowering my physical standards/requirements and I found a NICE guy who wants to love me…I’m letting him, and I’m trying to be considerate, less self-involved, more spiritual, and guess what…..I’m happy. He’s very happy. What was I thinking?

  12. james

    thanks guys for your insight and wisdom
    trust me it doesnt get any easier, Sex is easy to cum by but making that connection is hard.We as men sld take a look at why we have sex as often we do and the real reasons behind it.We sld have more discussions like this

  13. brian

    “”There are many motivations for having sex. Some people have sex because they believe that if they keep trying they will meet the man of their dreams, others feel disconnected and are looking for a connection to other men,””
    that is spoken just as honest’ly as you can say, and at the same time,it makes most men realize or understand that there is so many men that want just that regardless, of the honesty and truthfullness. it seems,
    to me an emotionally act of sex, depends on the person., i believe that there should at least be some kind of a healthy connection, and then go forth from there, i guess you can say im not youre typical gay, i believe in being monogomous, You can have sex with just anyone, any time, but for healthy emotional sex, well, sex between two faithful,caring partner’s is about the healthy’iest emotional sex one can have,. in my opion , but im no psychiologist, im not to say, this is just how i feel towards a healthy emotional sex life,

  14. tarence

    Wow Alex, perfectly put. I couldnt have said it better. It’s really sad how most gays…or the gays I have encountered recently believe that its really ok to have anonymous NSA sex. For some reason, they believe love is not possible for them?? Maybe its because they haven’t met the right guy that actually puts as much in the relationship as they do ?

  15. popped

    Since when is having gay sex considered “healthy” by the broader scope of our culture? It revolves around body image, and gay people have had nothing but insults and degradation from a society and yes, the government for decades.
    The news, the media, the government….etc….of course Hollywood created a few personalities “gays” can trust and spend their money on.
    I mean it was just the last government administration, we had religious fanatics damning people to hell. That’s a nice message from “world leaders”, that your body and hormones are going to end you in an eternal pit of pain-so of course “the gays” then come up with some flaky, superficial way to avoid such thinking, it becomes a commercial gimmick and obviously produces mindless, intentionally marketed crap from the entertainment business as well (some think “they” actually impose on homosexuals and then push buttons of perpetrators or pose in disguise as them to keep the cycle going). You don’t think that affects people and how they behave, now all of a sudden as things progress with years of marred psychology and ingrained abuse, we have a new way to live?
    I think alot of people are not emotionally healthy, while persons that subscribe to “self help” obviously cannot help themselves, which in essence is defeating. All of these moguls selling “people” a way to find help outside yourself, are distracting “you”, are actually after money, wasting your time, but would just love, love to talk about it to engage your thinking, and put on a song and dance routine with some of their “friends”.
    You feeling me?

  16. april

    Sex is a wonderful experience and i always put all of me in every encounter. I make love to the person i am with and give them all of my emotion and feelings i try very hard to please the man i am with so they leave with a feeling of being cared for. At the same time i am trying to find one man to devote my passion to have a lasting relationship and the love makeing can get better and more frequently the one night stand seems to be the norm for tops it is as if they have to have something new all the time but you miss the true connection you get when the touch is slow sensuous sexy and giving. being healthy comes easily when you have someone to be there with you shareing those most intimate moments that we have. It is very sensuous and and intimate when a man enters me very special i do not get that often but i share my self with another to give them pleasure so they can feel the joy i feel

  17. Pete

    The sexual expression that a guy gets from having sex is not always just an animal feeling . I have a partner and when he and I have sex it is different than when having sex with a one night stand, there is that deep innner feeling of love and hope knowing that what we share is just between he and I.
    Sex is a natural outlet to many feelings and stress factors. It isnt just “getting off” it is the complete release of tension and inner body feelings. I know that sex can make you feel great for the moment but then it fades and you beging the process of looking for more all over again.
    I enjoy sex for the sake of sex but enjoy it more when I am sharing it with the one man I love and have loved now for over ten years.
    I say keep it up and keep going but becareful of where you place it.

  18. Steven Mueller

    Straight people have sex with multiple partners just as much as gay men do, it’s just more socially acceptable for straight people to do it. I think anonymous is disgusting regardless though, which from my experience is at a much higher rate in the gay community. From a biological standpoint, men do have higher levels of testosterone than females (yes, females have testosterone) which could explain the heavy drive for sex. I think for emotional health, you just need to sit down and figure out what’s important for you and your goals both short term and long term while keeping in mind the dangers of STD’s, especially HIV. I think the whole “wait until you are married” is an awful idea personally. Sexual connection is very important, if you don’t have that connection in bed the relationship just isn’t going to work. It’s really all about figuring out who you are and who you want to be.

  19. Eric

    Oh yeah, I meant to give my answer also. We should lead by example. If we’re preaching safe sex, we should be having safe sex. That goes for gay websites concerned with these matters as well (money vs. cause, the battle continues). I’m sure there are other things of interest to advertise to today’s gay man. If you constantly overfeed a kid, he or she will get fat!

  20. kevin

    i think we sometimes have sex just to feel the intimacy of being with someone. i know there are times when i do it just for the other guy , so he will feel good.

  21. Rich

    I beleve that gay sex drives are not all that different if at all from other people’s. It is just that society has systematically denied the ability to express our sexual selves like others can, and therefore many are drawn (forced?) into furtive, secretive, risky acts mostly because it is a mild (to strong) taboo. Things are improving, but still we are viewed by a considerable number of people of power (real or perceived) as a bad caste, and therefore to be scorned and actually abused. I could go on about this, but I strongly feel this is the core issue behind many of the problems gay/lesbian people face. And it is a huge civil rights issue.

  22. Bryson

    As a man that can be honest and say that I am the “sexually promiscuous gay” I feel it takes a big man to judge someone like me. To try and justify someone elses actions for them is very ignorant and simply ridiculous. So to all of you who feel like you have reason to point the finger or play the blame game, don’t. That’s the very reason you end up being cheated on, being alone, or whatever. Guys like me don’t need someone to point out our faults. We need someone to love us and help us correct it thru their love for us. Luckily I have found the guy who understands that I’m not perfect and that my past doesn’t predict my future. And although we apart right now because of school, he makes me feel important, loved, and allows me to fuck up as much as I need too. Some people get that, most don’t. Look in the mirror. No more sheets. Be real.

  23. REX

    All I can say is to read the profiles on here. The majority of the guys are bitter, angry and some just plain rude. There has to be a reason for all that negativity, and I feel the reason is because we are not supporting each other emotionally. I think we can start by at least learning each others names…

  24. samuel

    In my opinion the emotional void is definitely evident. It’s human nature to want to be touched…kissed and loved. Drawing from my own experience it seems as if though there is a general disconnection. Plain and simple it’s the lack of honesty within one’s self and quite possibly with the other person. I couldn’t tell you how many times I would lie to myself and indocdrinate this thought process. Maybe if I have sex he’ll want to stick around…Maybe if I have sex I won’t be so lonely. Taking the time to do some soul searching has really helped me out…Be brutally honest with yourself. Know that you and everyone else has a not so pretty side to them. It’s okay to realize that you are not perfect. Collectively we all have our flaws. Acknowledge the imperfections and try and rectify and work on yourself before you decide to bring someone else into the picture. Learning to learn myself first has really helped me ease the pain and feeling of isolation but individually we must find an outlet to vent, be heard and care for each other. We are a community. I love that this is under discussion. We cannot help one another if we don’t communicate our questions and concerns. Discussions like this can be a source of therapy. You are not alone. We are not alone.

    very respectfully,

  25. will

    i”love whe men write about “society. il jst speak frm my ow experenes as a bm earig 9. i used to ork with a man about my sae age and we woud often visit in the office about our most recent conquests or what our “sex planswere for that night. we both agreed it was not that we had or ever really had a high level of the hornies, but certainly did have an ongoing need to seemingly be “wanted” or friended with another. more than once i’ve talked up a trick and altogether forgot about the sexing.actively “cruising takes much out of me and when its over who the hell am i going to tell?

  26. Jon

    Wow I really like that this is being discussed in open forum. To be quite honest, it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. Do I love having sex? Absolutely! Do I feel in any way fulfilled by it, only momentarily. Then I start questioning myself. Am I some kind of sex addict? Should I talk to someone about this? Then again the majority of gay men in their 20s and 30s have sex just as much if not more than me. I practice safe sex 100% of the time, and get tested regularly, so I know I’m healthy physically, but I agree it’s the emotional side we tend to neglect. Whether we want to admit it or not, having sex does effect us emotionally. I know for me, I need to figure out what my driving force is and figure out what it is that I really truly want in a man, and in life in general. I have a feeling Mr. Right isn’t coming anytime soon until I figure that out for me. Hell… he could come, we could fool around and then he’d be gone out of my life without me ever realizing i’d missed him. Seems like a major problem that needs to be resolved yeah? What do you guys think? i’d love some opinions on the subject.

  27. JAYJAE

    For me sex is an escape from my daily grind, it give me the opportunity to feel good physically and emotionally for a short while… its my cigarette. I am 22, but because of my job, I work long hours and its very high stress, before I had my current profession, I was not promiscuous, and only had sex in the confines of a relationship, but as it stands I do not have time nor the energy to devote to getting to know someone, and I moved to a new city so I dont have any friends here either, and its my only way of connecting and getting physical and emotional fulfillment. Plus I used to be a top, now I am a bottom, because it kinda takes me out of a position of authority and makes me feel not in charge for a change.

  28. ajbbincubus

    WOW.. Liking this topic. I’ve messed with married, bi, curious, gay, but at the end of the day I’m wake up alone. I agree with trying to meet the right person. It was fun and exciting at first, but now it’s getting old, FAST!!… I do want someone to wake up to, someone to complete me, and someone to share my life with. I’ve been looking and it’s seriously hard to find someone, especially when they send you an e-mail with, “wanna fuck?”. Going to keep on looking even if it take me a while. I wanna be happy now, not just please other people.

  29. David

    I am so impressed with the wisdom of your post. And to think… a 19 year old… smarter than many older guys. Bravo!

  30. Chazz

    I am so glad that you wrote about this subject, because it needs to be discussed more within our community. Speaking from experience and from things I’ve seen on this site, many gay men have sex just to have it. I admit that I used to be sexually promiscuous when I was younger because I felt like it was liberating…and living in a world where sex is so easy to get didn’t make it any better. After having so many unfulfilling partners, it makes you realize that sex just for recreational purposes wasn’t filling the void that I had in my life. Now that I’m older, sex holds much more of a deeper meaning for me…especially when it’s with someone you love. I have yet to experience that type of passion & connection with a lover but I’m optimistic. I think if more gay men would find other alternatives other than sex to fill a void, then maybe the STD & HIV epidemic in our community would decrease. There comes a time where we have to mature in every area of our lives…sex life included. I don’t want to be 40 still looking for love in all the wrong places like I was at 19.

  31. Josh

    First I have to say that no one has ever loved me, they said the right things while we were together, some of the guys I have dated even had me really fooled in to thinking that they cared about me. I am still in my mid 20’s, I am not a model but I get told I am easy on the eyes, I have always had a job, I am driven, I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me, but no one has ever really loved me. I have been using sex to try and make myself ok. For that moment that I am having sex I feel wanted, and sexy, and loved, but the second I cum I feel horrible. I don’t hook up daily or anything by any means but I feel like a whore, sometimes it hurts just to look in the mirror. I feel like the shell of who I use to be. Things don’t touch me the way they should, I know for a fact that my family loves me and that I have friends that really love me but there is something in me that just won’t let myself feel it. I don’t feel broken all of the time but when those feelings start to hit me I wonder if I am ever really happy. I don’t just use sex to try and fix myself, I shop more than I should. Even if I don’t buy anything there is just something about shopping and the possibility of buying things that makes me feel good. I feel almost like if I just have more stuff that everything will be ok. My life is so trivial now, I fill it with shopping and sex, on top of working long hours, I just try to keep myself to busy to think about anything. I know that I am taking risk that are stupid, that I should not sleep around, that it would be better just to jack off, but I keep having sex. It scares me to death that I might have a positive test some day. I have really slowed down a lot, and I am slowly changing my behaviors but it is so hard. I am trying not to hook up at all and wait to have sex until I am in a committed relationship, but then that voice in my head tells me that no one would ever want to be with someone like me. I don’t want a pity party, and I am not some clinically depressed guy off loading on strangers. I guess what I want everyone that sees this to get out of what I have said is that if you feel alone and like the only thing that can make it better is sex you are only making it worse. You are not alone so many people that I know feel the same way. You are worth more than a quick hook up and there is someone out there that will love you for who you are, you just have to find them first. That is something I have to tell myself every day. It can be terribly lonely being a gay man.

  32. rob

    i am 44 and i have to say that i love sex more than 3 or 4 times a wk i get a bit bored. yes , i like random sex and i do not think its because i need something or anything like that it just feels really good, i contracted a few std’s in my life but not in yrs, now that i am always safe. its interesting to me to read some of the other comments because the worst sex always seems to be with the guys that are over analyzing the situation and the young ones that are hoping that that its some kind of love connection. I usually tell the other person that im not looking for anything besides a good fuck, if a friendship forms thats great if not thats ok too. we all should think about why we are doing, if u are looking for love then u are not looking in the right place.I am in a relationship and have been for 15 yrs we have sex i would say 1 or 2 a weak but both feel that we enjoy a variety of men, however he is my 1st priority and i am his and he both are completely honest about who and what we are doing. He does his own thing as well and put no one ahead of the other, if im out and he calls and needs me for something then bamm im running out the door pulling up my pants with shoes in hand.

  33. Keith

    I love sex and I am always horned. How ever being Diagnosed in 98 with full blown Aids has complicated my sex life. I was infected by now an ex partner of 5 yrs. He knew he was hiv + but wasn’t truthful about it. I am considered to be a very good looking hot guy and I get a number of invites for hookups daily. Because of the way I was infected with hiv my rule is to be honest and upfront about my hiv status even when the hopeful sexual partner doesn’t ask my status.I do have a partner now of 6 yrs but he has no sexual desire at all. Thank god we do have an open relationship or there would be no relationship because I have to have sex period. I do have a couple sex partners that I hook up with on a regular basis. Guys get tested! If you are + its not the end of your life. Be honest about your status and don’t infect others. Most of the offers to hook up I am asked to bb. By me being honest and saying hey dude I can’t unless you are + everytime results in a responce of great appreciation for honesty and most of the time a long chat and I have made some great online friends.So guys be safe,honest,respectful and have great sex

  34. Leo

    yeah its true I have sex with different men to see if I actually find the right one..I’m very healthy person I always get tested and make sure I always wear a condom when I do have sex

  35. Kianni

    To me gay relationships fail because everybody is searching for the guy that they saw at the club or the guy that is dating there friend that they secretly have a crush on. If we are to stop or at the very least slow down HIV/AIDS then we first have to learn what the word relationship means. Most gay men think that they are better then anybody else and that if they keep having sex with Mr. right now that he would want to spend the rest of his life with you. News flash that fine dark or light tight body fine ass brother your after and that include my white brothers please know that there are 10 to 20 girls looking at him just like you, and because he knows he can have you hes gonna treat you just like I would…….like a slut. So please get some self respect for yourself and If your in a relationship and can’t be faithful to your partner then shame on you.

  36. Matt

    I have a a steady partner / room mate for 3+ years now, and can totally say I am in love with the guy. I love having sex with him, and the more the better, I love feeling close to him, during sex and when we shower together afterwards, but it is an emotionless sex with him, we have never kissed, cuddled or anything else, just oral and then right to the main event, after he cums, we are done. I am longing to be closer to him. but it has not happened.
    I would do anything for the guy and I am pretty sure he knows that. love hurts, when its only one sided

    I have strayed a couple times just to get that passion and feeling of being wanted, but always feel horrible afterwards and I only want him, I just wish I knew what he wanted and what he really feels, I have given him the chance to tell me so many times if he is not happy, but he always stays, He is the bottom, I am a top. being gay can be so lonely, even when your with who you really want.

  37. Chris

    This is a fantastic discussion! I am so pleased that this discussion is happening. It’s so important to have conversation/communication about sex. I work in HIV/STD prevention and I can honestly say that the single most important factor in preventing an STD is communicating with your partner. I cannot overstate the importance of this – and so few guys do this. I am a gay man and I know how things are: I’d never pretend to be something I’m not. I’m a sexual being – as we all are – and there are times when I just want to get off. However, I’ve found it extremely helpful to sublimate that energy into something productive, or really consider the other person I’m interested in, however I am interested in that person. My concern is that it seems like gay men don’t really have a lot of regard for each other’s health, or their own: again I’m not a saint but one thing I do know is that I’d never, ever want someone to get a disease because I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m all for people having sex – and having lots of good, healthy sex as it’s fun, great, a natural human drive and in relationships it can bring tremendous intimacy. However I worry that a lot of guys are so into pleasure-seeking that they forget about the essential humanity of their sexual partners – and I think this also goes to other aspects of gay life too. It’s not just about the pleasure-seeking for the sake of pleasure-seeking when it comes to sex: it’s also about clothes, hair, body type, judgmental lack of acceptance of people with different body types, money … all the superficial stuff. It’s upsetting to me that gay men don’t seem to be able to “make it past all that,” and there is the additional burden of all the centuries of repression and oppression that we have had to endure. I personally see sex as something spiritual, even if I’m not in a relationship with the person who is my sexual partner. Therefore, although this hasn’t always been true of me, I’m getting to the point where I try to remember that if I’m going to have sex with that person I’m entering into an intimate relationship of sorts with that person.

  38. Chris

    I would also add to my comments that loneliness is a huge motivating factor for a lot of gay men when they desire sex. It’s not really about love at all: it’s about any type of connection they can muster due to the intensity of the loneliness they feel. Maybe some guys can really maintain the pleasure-for-pleasures’-sake mentality for their entire lives: I would venture to guess that the aging Lothario is one of the loneliest people on the planet, gay or straight.

  39. Rick

    For me, what I see is a need for exceptance. Our need to be excepted circumvents our desire to be in a commited relationship. We can have many nsa or one night stand experiences that do not matter in our eyes because we are searching for something or someone that will never exist until we except ourselves for who and what we actually are.

  40. Clint

    Great topic. I’ve been in love before with guys who knew how to give themselves over and it was great. But sweet beginnings and bitter endings can leave people scarred for life. I find gay relationships are so intense that they should really last forever, but seldom do. And when the end comes it can leave one or both parties severly damaged. This damage is often carried over into the next relationship if ever the person stil has the strength to commit again. And that baggage begins to sough destruction again in the new relationship. I’ve had such an experience twice with such people. A lot of guys here online are really victims of abuse in some way or other, and promiscuity is a common feature of such victims, looking at the empirical evidence. Are gay people doomed to self destruction -is a question I often sit and ponder sometimes.

  41. Charles

    This topic hit a nerve with me…..I am a 51 year old man. Recently out and very lonely…..I have had sex with men where it has been..just sex…..just to get off…a real developing emotional attachment….friends with benefits…all the combinations you could think of…..My emotional health isn’t great as the one missing thing in all those variations is LOVE….I had a date recently and when the date ended with a lingering kiss at the door with both of us desiring a second date I realized that the sexual part of a relationship isn’t in the forefront anymore…I felt totally comfortable with not being asked in to have sex after dinner and the next day when he called me to say he had a great time I knew I was on the right track…..We have our second date this Friday and I am looking forward to it….I guess we need to heal our emotional health and begin to view sex as the result of a connection and not the reason for the connection.

  42. Lou

    This is a good discussion; thought I’d make a few comments.

    Well, we’re all over the map here and, in a way, that’s just how it is. What I find kinda disturbing are implied judgements of people who have “hookups,” or anonymous sex. People have sex for many different reasons, some positive and some that are negative. People use sex as a means of connection, whether it’s for comfort, distraction, intimacy, or pleasure. And some use it as a form of punishment, as a way to hurt themselves by putting themselves in an uncomfortable or even dangerous situations.

    I’ve had “anonymous” sex that felt intimate, connected and fun and led to us exchanging names and exchanging greetings when we next saw each other. I’ve even felt like I could have dated that person. I’ve also had sex after a date (or dates), that was mechanical, boring, and just plain bad.

    One of things I see is that people like to label ways that people connect as “good” and “bad,” i.e. hooking up is “bad,” going on a date is “good.” I disagree that these activities are inherently on thing or the other. I met my partner of 10 years at a club (where we fooled around a bit) and he came home with me and stayed the night and we started dating soon after. Perhaps it’s better to say that going on dates is more conducive to learning about people non-sexually, learning what you like and dislike about a potential partner, and learning how to get to know someone.

    Finally, throughout all of this, we need to love ourselves enough to experiment, learn and forgive ourselves. And that definitely means practicing safe sex, and knowing what that means. It really disturbs me seeing the “Anything Goes” profiles, and hearing from my doctor that, after years of seeing HIV infection decline, she’s seeing guys in their early 30s test positive.

    Such a shame.

  43. Fred

    I am an older (55) gay man. I didn’t come out til I was about 27, tried to do the straight thing, didn’t work. When I first came out, I had years of sexual frustration to get through and we thought any STD could be cured with a simple shot or two. Fucked with a lot of guys, good ones more than once. Luckily I got into a monogamous relationship about the time AIDS got to the midwest. Spent 10 years with him, but we drifted apart and split. Met a guy a few months later, fell in love and then watched him die. He had AIDs and didn’t tell me until right before he died. I was devastated, just knew I was infected. We had played safe and I was fine. Spent the next year fucking with every guy I could, trying to find someone to love me. Finally quit being so desperate and met someone. LOL He just turned out to be a psycho, kept it hidden for about a year. Took a couple more years to wise up and get rid of him. Then I met a guy, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. It lasted until about Thanksgiving last year, finally had enough. I didn’t go out with anyone for a couple weeks, hated the idea of dating. Found out about A4A and started fucking with any dude that needed it. It was what I needed for a couple months. Now I have a buddy that takes care of most of my emotional and sexual needs. We both still see other people. I met some guys that are pretty cool there and enjoy playing with them once in a while. Definitely not ready for a commitment, but not really into just hooking up, either. Sex is just that, shouldn’t get to uptight about it. There is an entirely different level with someone you really care about. I think it is just important to be sure that you know where you are at emotionally and convey that to any potential partner. Honesty with others and yourself goes a long way.

  44. jerr

    Well sex is ok better w/the person you love but there are company players after I have noun in 3 relations and end bad he cheated or not in love just sex all the want I am done w/it I can live w/out sex is not the best but it is better there are toys is less messy and is only for 1/2 hour or so and I get more ratify I do feel bad about not wake up next to some one but well some times it is better

  45. Georges Chakra(alias)

    Quite frankly, im already tired of waiting, and looking, a combination of both. I am sorry to say, but in my opinion gay men have a more difficult time to commit than hetero men. I am already 24 and I haven’t experienced a 1st boyfriend, someone I can give my all to, and give my love to. I want to experience my 1st heartbreak and that will never happen because most gay men shun away from the idea of connecting on a deeper level with a lover. I used to believe that hetero couples were complicated, but that’s not true, my hetero friends go through boyfriends like they do with phones. But the point is, hetero men are willing to commit to someone and proudly say they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and celebrate anniversaries, and do all the neat stuff couples do. Am I. Jealous of them?? Hell yeah I am?? But I am glad that they are happy as well. It doesn’t exclude you older men, because I’ve dated older, younger, in the middle, and I get nothing! Its exhausting, depressing, god! I’ve even come to believe that gay men in my situation invented junk food, and ben and jerry’s ice cream. Maybe that’s a punishment I get for living in LA, my unsuccessful hunt, and wait for a true man leads me to wonder if all the fruit in LA has rotted under the tree! Because it doesn’t matter how successful, educated, and cultured he may be. It always turns out that all they want is a fuckbuddy, or in my words a human blow up doll. How can you have healthy sex, besides wearing a condom?? If most men detach temselves emotionally?? If I were a therapist, id say that most men who solely seek the thrill of sex must have suffered from some type of detachment from their mothers. Anyhow, I’ve blabbred too much, and I only frustrate myself even further when I talk about my life as a gay.

  46. maxculo

    The funny thing about this topic is that, I’m now more sure gay bi, trans st8 men and women suffer from sexual addiction. All the sex I ever had good and bad has had passion,lust and so forth. After the act I would be ashamed, more lonely,and in tears. When people have emotionless sex and feel bad there is something deeper there that needs to be addressed in therapy. Once one figures out what it is that drives them to that point then the maladaptive actions can be controlled.

    For those who still have hope for a relationship take sex out of the equation, and focus on meeting meeting and getting to know people without having to go the extra mile.
    I am not saying that sex is bad but the actions that push us in a negative way can make sex like an drug high.
    be safe.

  47. Bill

    This is a very complicated subject which requires a lot of complicated views. I, however, can only speak about my experiences which have not always had great outcome. I’ve always been in control of my sexual experiences; due to maintaining control of my feelings. I’m one who used to fall in love due to great sex, but over the years I’ve learned to control that habit. I now have complete control and have learned to not become attached unless it was necessary. I go into an experience with an understanding that either he’s for me, or he’s not, which means, we’re going to see each other regularly, or we’re not. Once you’ve reached a certain age, it should be viewed as a loving experience, with plans to fall in love, however, judging by today’s standards, seems like the older most men get, the more promiscuous they become. Once we all learn, that sex should be used as an accessory to complete a package, then the (gay) world we be a better place.

  48. Beezy691

    After reading all the post i can understand the train of thoughts. Im a psycholigst by profession yet feel that basicly everyone has needs and wants. Intimacy is not only a sexual act it can be the sharing of time with the special someone, the touch of the hand, a hug etc. It is nice to have someone. Sex is both good and bad. we muist enjoy it. We only live once HAVE FUN yet be safe.

  49. Michael Cruz

    I’d be glad to share my opinion on the topic. Instinctively, I feel like having sex. From the first time I had to be around other males nude, I have always found cocks to be attractive and desirable. If I knew now, what I didn’t know back then, I would have gotten some of my PE classmates to feed me their cocks in front of my classmates. I would like to be a positive role model for other men who are considering to have sex with another man. If I could demonstrate to them that a man can express himself in a way that is amazingly pleasurable, the man sitting on the edge of the fence might take the plunge and find happiness.

  50. Dave

    Hi Guys,
    I had sex with a guy for several years until he move to Europe, he sort of brake me into this I dont know if I was in love with him then I had sex with several men after he moved away and now there is one individual he says he is in love with me he and me we had great sex, particularly when after sex he says oh, man you made a man out of me, that is so sweet for the ears, he is ready to give me ring as his wife, but I am still wondering if I am in love with him, over the years I guess sex and feelings became two different things

  51. tatatony


  52. mario_sgv

    I like several other people on here was totally inspired by the insight and candor of Alexes post. Your wisdom far exceeds your 19 years, I wish there were more men like yourself in our community and it gives me hope. I agree that our sexual experiences are what we make of them and have the ability to be a source of healing strength connection love beauty inspiration and even spirituality but only if we put that into it can we hope to get that out of it. its refreshing to see someone speak of meaning depth and passion in sex that isn’t necessarily in the form of a committed relationship. there is vast potential in our ability to love and be sexual with more than one person at any given time and we should all be putting more effort into putting authentic emotional and physical energy into out relations if we expect them to have any meaning at all. Sex can be ecstatic and expansive and transformative or it can be empty, and tiring and predictable, its all up to US

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